“You’re Not Going To Put Me In Your Act, Are You?”
“Yeah, I guess I am.”
START READING HERE:
Alright, this is a long post with lots of little bells and whistles, but if you’re as intrigued by the general dullness or awfulness of people in life as I am, then you might find this interesting in a sort of anthropological kind of way. Several weeks ago on Fire Island, I wound up drunkenly making out with a woman at a bar in the wee hours of the morning. Typical stuff. We kissed a bit and exchanged contact information, that’s it. Over the course of the next week or so, we sent a few e-mails back and forth, with the intention of setting a time to meet again for a drink. Periodically, she would also e-mail me HEEHAWLARIOUS office-humor type e-mails. Real LOL kind of stuff. Below is one such e-mail she sent me. You should really read it:
HERE’S THE ACTUAL E-MAIL SHE SENT ME. ALL NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR THE SAKE OF ME LIKING TO USE FUNNY MADE-UP NAMES:
>
>
> —–Original Message—–
> RPornocopter@dbag.com]
> Sent: Thursday, June 03, 2004 12:29 PM
> To: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> TEN HUSBANDS
>
> A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On
> their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle; I’m
> still a virgin.
>
> What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married
> ten times?
>
> “Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how
> great it was going to be.
>
> Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it
> was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back
> to me.
>
> Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out
> diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
>
> Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order,
> didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
>
> Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted
> three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art
> method.
>
> Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew
> how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
>
> Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never
> sure how to position it.
>
> Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
>
> Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
>
> Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was … God, I miss
> him!
>
> “But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
> “Good,” said the husband, “but, why?” “Duh; you’re a LAWYER. This time
> I KNOW I’m gonna get screwed!”
OKAY STOP READING NOW, AND SCROLL ALL THE WAY TOWARDS THE BOTTOM OF THIS POST AND START READING AGAIN WHEN YOU SEE THE WORDS “START READING AGAIN”
>
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> [mailto:Sexualica_Bonertaster@hobag.com]
> Sent: Thursday, June 03, 2004 11:52 AM
> To: Rod Pornocopter
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> ok. A good joke to make me laugh.
WHICH BRINGS US BACK TO THE LAME HUMOR E-MAIL ABOVE.
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Rod Pornocopter [mailto:RPornocopter@dbag.com]
> Sent: Thursday, June 03, 2004 11:45 AM
> To: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> I would lovee ask for something that is a bit more realistic than
> snapping my fingers and you being on a beach !!!!!
ASK ME TO FUCK YOU.
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> [mailto:Sexualica_Bonertaster@hobag.com]
> Sent: Thursday, June 03, 2004 11:24 AM
> To: Rod Pornocopter
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> I can’t vouch for anything you do! Blushing!!!!!
>
>
> But now you’ve teased me by offering to make my day
> better and not delivering.
>
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Rod Pornocopter [mailto:RPornocopter@dbag.com]
> Sent: Thursday, June 03, 2004 11:13 AM
> To: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> I have been known to pull a lot of things but that
> is
> not one of them !!!!
BUT MY DICK IS THAT IS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT PULLING MY DICK IS WHAT MY DICK.
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> [mailto:Sexualica_Bonertaster@hobag.com]
> Sent: Thursday, June 03, 2004 11:08 AM
> To: Rod Pornocopter
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> No MAN should wear a thong EVER!!!!!!
>
> And, yes, there is a lot more to do.
>
> So, I’m waiting for you to pull your I dream of
> genie
> for me….tick tock…..
>
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Rod Pornocopter [mailto:RPornocopter@dbag.com]
> Sent: Thursday, June 03, 2004 11:02 AM
> To: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> Hopefully you will want to do more than that on an
> exotic beach !!!!!!!! LIKE FUCK!I look good in a thong
> !!!!!!!!!
I AM TYPING THINGS!!!!!!!! I LIKE CHEESE EAT NOW!!!!!!!
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> [mailto:Sexualica_Bonertaster@hobag.com]
> Sent: Thursday, June 03, 2004 10:39 AM
> To: Rod Pornocopter
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> snap your fingers and place me on a beautiful exotic
> beach somewhere where nothing matters and all I have
> to worry about is foraging for that days food.
AND WE ALL TEAM UP AND KILL THE FAT KID AND HUNT BOARS!
>
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Rod Pornocopter [mailto:RPornocopter@dbag.com]
> Sent: Thursday, June 03, 2004 10:28 AM
> To: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> Sooooo sorry to here that !!!!!!!
> What can I do to make your day better ????????
I AM TALKING ABOUT FUCKING.
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> [mailto:Sexualica_Bonertaster@hobag.com]
> Sent: Thursday, June 03, 2004 10:25 AM
> To: Rod Pornocopter
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> No way. I’ve been here since 7:30 a.m. meeting with
> Satan and I’ll be here all day.
HER BOSS IS SO BAD SHE CALLS HIM SATAN!
>
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Rod Pornocopter [mailto:RPornocopter@dbag.com]
> Sent: Thursday, June 03, 2004 10:18 AM
> To: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> R you leaving for the day ??????????
HE SENSES SHE’S DRIFTING AWAY, HE RATCHETS UP HIS EAGERMETER!
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> [mailto:Sexualica_Bonertaster@hobag.com]
> Sent: Thursday, June 03, 2004 9:57 AM
> To: Rod Pornocopter
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> Oh yeah. I’m in midtown. Enjoy Bouley and the
> beach
> this weekend.
>
> Adios
> Sexualica
OOF! THE FIRE DIES DOWN!
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Rod Pornocopter [mailto:RPornocopter@dbag.com]
> Sent: Thursday, June 03, 2004 9:54 AM
> To: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> You and that boat basin !!!! too far away for a
> downtown boy like me !!!
> I am going to Bouley tonight. AShould be done at 8
> or
> so but I have to run home afterwards to pick up my
> laundry for the weekend
NO! I WILL NOT JOIN YOU AT THE BOAT BASIN!
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> [mailto:Sexualica_Bonertaster@hobag.com]
> Sent: Thursday, June 03, 2004 9:49 AM
> To: Rod Pornocopter
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> poor baby! All that entertainment and big T&E
> account. boohoohooo! Where are you taking them?
> OTB
> and Scores?
>
> I’m having a couple of drinks with friends at the
> boat
> basin so we can enjoy the weather and then who
> knows.
SO JOIN ME AT THE BOAT BASIN IF YOU WANT!
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Rod Pornocopter [mailto:RPornocopter@dbag.com]
> Sent: Thursday, June 03, 2004 9:47 AM
> To: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> I know but I am out to dinner with clients!!!!
I WAS USED TO HAD NO CONCEPT OF TIME RIGHT NOW!
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> [mailto:Sexualica_Bonertaster@hobag.com]
> Sent: Thursday, June 03, 2004 9:44 AM
> To: Rod Pornocopter
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> oh no! Well today is supposed to be beautiful.
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Rod Pornocopter [mailto:RPornocopter@dbag.com]
> Sent: Thursday, June 03, 2004 9:34 AM
> To: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> didnt go , it was raining. actually got caught in
> the
> rain with my convertible down on the way home. it
> was
> pretty funny !!!
I HAVE TO SAY “IT WAS PRETTY FUNNY” BECAUSE I DO NOT POSSESS THE STORY-TELLING SKILLS NECESSARY TO CONVEY THE HUMOR OF THE SITUATION OTHERWISE! THIS SENTENCE WAS FUNNY THAT I JUST WROTE.
>
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> [mailto:Sexualica_Bonertaster@hobag.com]
> Sent: Thursday, June 03, 2004 9:32 AM
> To: Rod Pornocopter
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> How was your ride?
>
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Rod Pornocopter [mailto:RPornocopter@dbag.com]
> Sent: Thursday, June 03, 2004 9:28 AM
> To: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> bummer
TOTALLY.
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> [mailto:Sexualica_Bonertaster@hobag.com]
> Sent: Thursday, June 03, 2004 9:26 AM
> To: Rod Pornocopter
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> I actually was so fried after Home Depot that I went
> home and went to bed.
>
> Oh well. Today is another day.
YES. ANOTHER DAY. YES. BEEP.
>
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Rod Pornocopter [mailto:RPornocopter@dbag.com]
> Sent: Thursday, June 03, 2004 7:34 AM
> To: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> You are such a lush !!!!!!!
AT THE END OF EVERY SENTENCE I FORGET I’M ALIVE AND MY FINGERS JUST SIT THERE ON THE SHIFT AND ONE KEYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> [mailto:Sexualica_Bonertaster@hobag.com]
> Sent: Wednesday, June 02, 2004 4:47 PM
> To: Rod Pornocopter
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> Hurts! Why? It’s good that you like attention.
>
> I’m jealous that you get to leave and go for a ride!
>
> It is beautiful out!!!!
>
> I’m going to look at kitchen cabinets and then drown
> out the memory of the price with WINE!!!!!
>
> Have a great ride!
>
> Sexualica
>
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Rod Pornocopter [mailto:RPornocopter@dbag.com]
> Sent: Wednesday, June 02, 2004 4:28 PM
> To: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> Wow that hurts !!!!!! I am leaving the office now.
> Going home to run afew errands and possibly go for a
> ride…get your mind out of the gutter, on my
> motorcycle!!!
FAILED ATTEMPT AT A BILLY OCEAN REFERENCE.
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> [mailto:Sexualica_Bonertaster@hobag.com]
> Sent: Wednesday, June 02, 2004 4:26 PM
> To: Rod Pornocopter
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> Wow, so the odds of those women going one day
> without
> a plethora PLETHORA! of compliments is slim to none! Now
> that’s
> an incentive to work there:)
>
> No comment on the pencil placement issue but I do
> get
> the impression you are one of those people that
> loves
> to be the center of attention:0
:0 IS THE EMOTICON FOR “I AM BREATHING AIR AND TYPING STUFF”
>
>
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Rod Pornocopter [mailto:RPornocopter@dbag.com]
> Sent: Wednesday, June 02, 2004 4:16 PM
> To: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> There are 270 brokers in this office and 6 women.
> Neither of them are attractive 6 WOMEN. NEITHER OF THEM ARE ATTRACTIVE.
and the thought of
> dropping a pencil scares me because I might get a
> pencil somewhere that it doesnt belong with all of
> these men around here!!!!LIKE IN MY ASS IS WHERE THEY’D PUT IT!
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> [mailto:Sexualica_Bonertaster@hobag.com]
> Sent: Wednesday, June 02, 2004 4:10 PM
> To: Rod Pornocopter
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> I was kidding! Of course I didn’t do it on purpose.
>
> Not that I wouldn’t be capable of teasing but that
> really wasn’t the case.
>
> Maybe your just projecting? You know, like you drop
> your pencil in front of all the hot girls at work?
HUH?
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Rod Pornocopter [mailto:RPornocopter@dbag.com]
> Sent: Wednesday, June 02, 2004 4:05 PM
> To: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> Guess I was right !!!! Why would you tease me like
> that????? Not fair !
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> [mailto:Sexualica_Bonertaster@hobag.com]
> Sent: Wednesday, June 02, 2004 3:48 PM
> To: Rod Pornocopter
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> Purposely standing up! Did you work for the FBI?
> Studied micro momentary reactions?SHUT UP.
>
> Thank you for the compliment. Blushing again!
AGAIN? DID I MISS THE FIRST BLUSH MENTION?
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Rod Pornocopter [mailto:RPornocopter@dbag.com]
> Sent: Wednesday, June 02, 2004 3:45 PM
> To: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> First of all, it was still daylight when we first
> met.
> Secondly, even if I did not remember you my mind can
> conjure up a majority of usable images !!! CREEEEPYThat is
> not
> the case though as I do remember you purposely
> standing up so I could see your FINE body!!!!
YES, WHENEVER WOMEN STAND OR SIT OR TALK OR WALK OR BREATHE, IT IS FOR YOUR BENEFIT, STOCK MARKET A-HOLE
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> [mailto:Sexualica_Bonertaster@hobag.com]
> Sent: Wednesday, June 02, 2004 3:25 PM
> To: Rod Pornocopter
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> ok blushing again!
>
> Let’s face it you can hardly remember what I even
> look
> like from one hour in that dark smoky bar.
WHAT THE!??!? I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE?!?! SHOCKER!
>
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Rod Pornocopter [mailto:RPornocopter@dbag.com]
> Sent: Wednesday, June 02, 2004 3:19 PM
> To: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> Wheeeeeeeewwwww, do I have a visual now !!!!!!!!!!! 11 EXCLAMATION POINTS
> Amongst other things!!!!!! LIKE A BONER.
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> [mailto:Sexualica_Bonertaster@hobag.com]
> Sent: Wednesday, June 02, 2004 3:14 PM
> To: Rod Pornocopter
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> Stilettos! Does the rest matter?
NO. BECAUSE YOU COULD USE THE STILETTOS TO GOUGE YOUR EYES OUT SO AS NOT TO BE ABLE TO READ THIS
>
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Rod Pornocopter [mailto:RPornocopter@dbag.com]
> Sent: Wednesday, June 02, 2004 2:52 PM
> To: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> hmmmm, should I be aggressive ???? oooops, I forgot
> you like to take one step at a time !!!
ONE STEP AT A TIME TOWARDS THE BLEAK HOWLING VALLEY OF AWFUL CONVERSATION
>
> ok, here goes….what are you wearing ?
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> [mailto:Sexualica_Bonertaster@hobag.com]
> Sent: Wednesday, June 02, 2004 2:40 PM
> To: Rod Pornocopter
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> Well then, of course let the games begin!
>
> You first:)
IS THE EMOTICON FOR “FLOUNDER”
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Rod Pornocopter [mailto:RPornocopter@dbag.com]
> Sent: Wednesday, June 02, 2004 2:00 PM
> To: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> well if it is flirting it is not mindless
AND IF IT IS NOT PUNCTUATED IT IS NOT A SENTENCE
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> [mailto:Sexualica_Bonertaster@hobag.com]
> Sent: Wednesday, June 02, 2004 1:55 PM
> To: Rod Pornocopter
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> ok. then I won’t take valuable work time with
> mindless e-mail chatter.
OH YES YOU WILL.
>
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Rod Pornocopter [mailto:RPornocopter@dbag.com]
> Sent: Wednesday, June 02, 2004 1:50 PM
> To: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> Subject: RE:
>
>
> Always love for my Cubana!!!!!
> Crazy here as well. Just got out of a big trade
> problem that I had since this morning
I AM A DOUCHE.
>
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Bonertaster, Sexualica
> [mailto:Sexualica_Bonertaster@hobag.com]
> Sent: Wednesday, June 02, 2004 1:45 PM
> To: Rod Pornocopter
> Subject:
>
>
> What? No Love?
>
> I’ve had a CRAZY day and will be in back to back
> meetings from 2:00 to 4:00! How is your day?
>
> Sexualica Bonertaster
> Executive Corporate Business Director
EXECUTIVE CORPORATE BUSINESS COMPANY BRANCH DIRECTOR OFFICER DIRECTOR PLANK NEOPREEN BUCKLE
>
> =====
BEGIN VOYEURISTIC AWESOMENESS!
START READING AGAIN
Not a particularly funny or interesting e-mail, right? Your basic bad android humor. But that turned out to be just the tip of the iceberg, as you can tell by how long it took you to scroll down to this point. What she didn’t realize when she forwarded me the joke was that she had ALSO forwarded me the entirety of the e-mail thread leading up to the joke. Which turned out to be priceless. PRUH-ICE-LESS! It consists of extremely lame flirtatious banter between her and some stock market douchebag. So, without further ado, scroll up slightly to where it says “Begin Voyeuristic Awesomeness”, and read the e-mails one-by-one, scrolling upwards as you go until you get back to the original joke e-mail. It’s a window into the nothingness that occupies most people’s minds. Let me stress – I haven’t changed a single word, letter, or punctuation mark. It’s all here. The only thing I did do was change their names to my standard fallback funny made-up names, and alter their company names and e-mail addresses as well. Other than that, 100% unaltered. My periodic comments are also in BOLD CAPS along the way…enjoy!