On The Mating Habits Of Finches

Here’s kind of a combo of notes / rough rough draft of a piece I’ll be doing tomorrow night at my pal’s show…

ON THE MATING HABITS OF FINCHES

By Andres du Bouchet

For H2KP/Bob Powers’ book party on 1/25/2007

INTRO

Ladies and gentlemen, before we continue celebrating my book through the art of live comedy, I would like to take just a few moments to address a bit of a scheduling SNAFU that has occurred here this evening. Apparently, Mo Pitkins accidentally told another author that he could use this space at this timeslot for a reading of his book as well, so in the interest of fairness, I’ve decided to give him a few minutes to read from his book. Please welcome (reading from a piece of paper) Melvin Meekman.

—

MELVIN

Thank you so much, Bob Powers. Your graciousness has made this, for me, anything but a “Cruelty Day”. Ahem. Actually, this scheduling gaffe couldn’t have worked out better for me, since I usually only get one or two handfuls of people at my readings, and more accurately, it’s usually just one handful of people, and in the interest of full disclosure, I have intentionally attempted to mislead you by using the term “handful of people” to refer to this gentleman here.

FAN

Woo! You fucking rock!

MELVIN

Thank you. Good to see you again. Actually, I was telling the truth from a certain point of view, since this gentleman is indeed a handful! You know, there are a lot of non-fiction books about finches out there, and even more books about the mating habits of finches, which is in direct violation of the laws of logic, since the latter is a subset of the former. THAT’S a lot of books. Heh. But none of those books is written in the first person, from the point of view of the finch itself. And that is the niche into which I have plunged my new book “I, Finch: A First Person Sci-magining Of The Mating Habits of Finches”. The title of the chapter from which I am now going to read an excerpt is Chapter XVII, Mate Selection Determination Factors Among Geographically Non-Specific Submigrating Male Finches Part 4. Enjoy:

(clear throat)

Ahh – (catch voice) x 2

I’m sorry, let me just take a sip of water I have a bit of what they call nerdthroat.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw YEAH!

My beak!

It reeks!

My beak it reeks of PUSSY!

(sung) Oh I’m a motherfucking finch and I’m here to say

(sung) I fuck myself a female finch most every single day

I lay my inches in the trenches

Of all the fine finch wenches

They can’t fake it

When they’re naked

If so they’re better actresses

Than Dame Judi Dench is

(sung) My eyes are beedy but my cock is greedy!

You’re the island of Galapagos and I’m the H.M.S Beagle

So like all the other sloppy hos I’m gonna fuck you like an Eagle

And like an Eagle I’ll McNabb it

Throw it my way and I’ll grab it

I’ll be the perch you sit on

The newspaper that you shit on

I’ll even be the cuttlebone you scrape your beak on

So let’s get the freak on

I’m gonna go Dawson’s Creek on

Your bones

You’re gonna talk like Katie Holmes

Like you had a stroke

I’ll shake your albumen and scramble your yolk

(sung) This ain’t no motherfucking joke I’m horny for finch pusssssay!

Your beak evolved for crackin’ nuts

So get crackin’ on mine you crack ho slut

My beak is sharp for piercing berries

So turn around and let me pop your cherry

Your beak is blunt as in the singer James

And (sing) “You’re beautiful” like his song maintains

But the kind of blunt I like

Is the kind you light

(sung) I like to fuck when I’m hiiiiigh!

All the finch bitches beg to lay with me

So the babies in their eggs look like me

The other male finches look like Ed Begley compared to me

To fly around with this cock I gotta defy gravity

I LIKE A FINCH BUTT THAT’S ROUND AND FEATHERY!

My cock’s the size of a sparrow

And your tight little snatch is a little too narrow

So when we fuck it’s gonna rock you to your marrow

I ain’t never read no books by E.L. Doctorow

But it ain’t because I’m slow

(sung) It’s because I’m always fucking finch pusssssssay!

Though I chirp I’m tough like Wyatt Erp or Hop along Cassidy

I’m gonna test your elasticity

You better be loose like Samantha on Sex and The City

My dick’s so big I’ll fuck a goose

Sorry for that loop girl

it was caused by my cock droop girl

it fell onto the keyboard when I was wasted

and without my knowledge it cut and pasted

the phrase I just repeated

(sung) My cock’s so big that when I wear flat front khakis they look pleated!

I know a finch don’t wear khakis

With a flip flip flap

I’ll alite on your back

And lift your tail feather

For 2 seconds of pleasure

In your rear Heather

That’s your name right

Hey wait don’t take flight

It’s alright

I won’t bite

I’ll just peck

On your neck don’t go

We can take it slow

(fast) huh huh huh huh huh

Too late we had sex YEAH!

Don’t worry baby

You got a short memory

In a minute you’ll re-introduce yourself to me

(sung) And I’ll get myself some more finch pussssssay!

13 centimeters by 5 centimeters with a wingspan of 21 centimers? HA! Only if she weighs between 16 and 22 grams!

Red-Headed Finch (say “Yeah I fucked that!” after each one)

Cutthroat Finch

Star Finch

Gouldian

Masked Grassfinch

Shaftail Finch

Plum Headed Finch

Society Finch

Spice Finch

White Headed Munia Finch

Rufous-Backed Mannikin Finch

Silverbill Finch

Madagascar Mannikin Finch

Tricolor Munia

Gray Crown Mannikin

Moluccan Mannikin

Grand Mannikin

Five-colored Munia

White-Spotted Mannikin

Pallid Nun Finch

Chestnut Flanked White Finch

Lightback Finch

Black Cheek Finch

Orange Breasted Finch

Black Breasted Finch

Florida Fancy Finch

Yellow Beak Finch

Recessive Silver Finch

Black Face Finch

Peace!