A lot of people ask me, “Andres, if you could have one super power, what would it be? Flight? Laser gaze? Choco-touch? Boob?”
After which, I usually inquire – “Uh, why did you just say the word ‘boob’ at the end of that sentence? Were you calling me a boob? Was it some sort of a power that I’ve never-” at which point they usually knee me in the nuts and run. It’s really quite odd.
At any rate, I’ve thought long and hard about it, and I’ve decided that of all the hypothetical superpowers which I could wish for, I would choose THE POWER TO ADD MY NAME TO THE GREETING CARDS OF OTHERS SO THAT I MAY TAKE PARTIAL CREDIT FOR THEIR GIFT.
For example, if I were at a wedding, I could gaze at the gift table, fix my concentration on a specific envelope, and BAM my name would suddenly appear on the card within, as if I had been in on the purchasing of the gift from the get. Go.
WE HOPE YOU COOK LOTS OF GREAT BRUNCHES WITH THIS! A LONG AND HAPPY LIFE TO YOU! TOGETHER!
YOUR GREAT AUNT ZAMLAP AND YOUR GREAT UNCLE BEANPLOP.
(and then in the same handwriting, inexplicably)
AND ME TOO, COMEDIAN ANDRES DU BOUCHET WHO ALSO PAID FOR MOST OF THIS ITEM!
See? What a great, money-saving power that would be.
*Long ago I gave up on making my fake names at all realistic. Screw you.