J-O-G, man.
Here’s a bit I wrote for my weekly show, Giant Tuesday Night Of Amazing Inventions And Also There Is A Game!!! – we did it this past Tuesday night and I was quite pleased with how it went:
THE GREAT JOG-OFF!
Starring the following cavalcade of hilarious pasty men:
THE JOGGERNAUTS:
Mark Douglas
Rusty Ward
Josh Comers
Michael Reisman
THE MIAMI JOG MACHINE:
Eric Kirchberger
Bryan Olsen
Todd Womack
Rob Gorden
and me as the ever-perplexed host of Giant Tuesday Night, Francisco Guglioni!
As Francisco is telling one of his pointless stories, a quartet of men in jogging attire enter the theater from the bar. As they jog in, they are chanting…
MARK
A few times I’ve been around that track so it’s not just gonna happen like that -
RUSTY, JOSH AND REISMAN
‘Cause I ain’t no hollaback girl. Yeah I ain’t no hollaback girl.
MARK
Our shit is bananas.
RUSTY, JOSH AND REISMAN
B-A-N-A-N-A-S
MARK
Give me a J!
RUSTY, JOSH AND REISMAN
J!
MARK
Give me an O!
RUSTY, JOSH AND REISMAN
O!
MARK
Give me a G!
RUSTY, JOSH AND REISMAN
G!
MARK
What does that spell!??!
RUSTY, JOSH AND REISMAN
(matter of factly, talking over each other and not quite at the same time) Jog. It spells jog.
MARK
Shake it out, Joggernauts, shake it out.
The joggernauts begin stretching, “shaking it out”.
FRANCISCO
Excuse me.
MARK
Hold up, we’re shaking it out.
FRANCISCO
I said excuse me!
MARK
You can’t interrupt a post-jog shakeout!
The joggers are clearly very agitated and discombobulated by this, it’s thrown a wrench into their routine.
RUSTY
Coach, this European guy just threw my shakeout totally off.
REISMAN
I’m not fully shaken out. This is not good.
JOSH
Fuck man. Fuck!
MARK
Alright, alright, cool your chalupas gentlemen, the damage is done. What do you want, Frenchy?
FRANCISCO
What do I want? I want to know why you’re interrupting my show.
MARK
Show?
RUSTY AND REISMAN
(mumbling sort of over each other) A show? This is some sort of show?
JOSH
Sorry man, fuck.
MARK
(looks around) Whoah. So it is. We must have totally spaced out. Gentlemen, when the legs are at a jog…
RUSTY, JOSH & REISMAN
The mind is in a fog!
They all bust out laughing a big, knowing, hearty, camaraderie-filled laugh. Francisco is growing impatient. At the tail end of the laugh, Josh says…
JOSH
Yeah, fuck man.
MARK
A dozen pardons, Frenchy, we’re in training for a big Jog-Off and we lost track of where we were.
FRANCISCO
Jog-Off? Who the fuck are you guys?
MARK
Oh shit, we never introduced ourselves, where are our manners?
RUSTY
Maybe we left our manners back where we left our self-doubt, unpreparedness and lack of constantly kicking ass.
REISMAN
That was awesome.
RUSTY
J-O-G, man.
REISMAN
J-O-G.
JOSH
Fuckin’ J-O-fuckin’ G man.
FRANCISCO
I’ll start. My name is Francisco Guglioni, and this is my show, Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There Is A Game.
MARK
And we’re the Joggernauts. A professional jogging team. We live to jog.
RUSTY
We jog to win.
REISMAN
We win to live.
JOSH
Which brings us back to J-O-G, man. Fuck.
FRANCISCO
A professional jogging team? You mean like a running team?
MARK
No! We are not runners, we are competitive joggers. Ever hear of the NJA? National Jogging Association?
FRANCISCO
No.
MARK
Their slogan, “Catch The Steadiness?”
FRANCISCO
No.
MARK
It’s the world’s premiere competitive jogging league, and we, the Joggernauts, are one of the best jogging teams in that league. As I said before, we’re training for a big Jog-Off.
FRANCISCO
A race.
RUSTY
No! A Jog-Off! Coach, let me introduce this guy’s ass to my fist!
FRANCISCO
Your fist?
MARK
Cool your chalupas, gentlemen!
REISMAN
A Jog-Off is not a race, it’s a jogging competition. The goal is to jog better than, or to “out-jog”, your competitors.
FRANCISCO
Eh. So you want to be faster than the other joggers…
RUSTY
Faster? What, you mean like fast and loose? Are you saying we’re sluts?
MARK
You did NOT just call us sluts, Francisco. Come on!
REISMAN
We are not sluts!
JOSH
Fuckin’ J-O-G man. Fuckin’ J fuckin’ O fuck–
FRANCISCO
Alright, alright, alright, sorry, I didn’t mean to somehow infer that you guys were sluts. So how the heck do you win a jogging competition?
REISMAN
Simple. Whoever jogs best, wins.
MARK
It’s all about out-jogging your opponents.
FRANCISCO
You haven’t cleared anything up.
RUSTY
We’ve gotta get in prime jogging shape for our big Jog-Off this weekend.
REISMAN
It’s against our arch-rivals.
FRANCISCO
And who are your arch-rivals?
Suddenly, another guartet of joggers enters from the bar. They loom menacingly in the doorway to the theater.
KIRCHBERGER
Well, well, well. I thought this place smelled like a bunch of pathetic losers, and lo and behold. The Joggernauts.
MARK
Well if it isn’t the Miami Jog Machine. Our arch-rivals against whom we have an upcoming Jog-Off.
The two groups of joggers begin to approach each other with ill-intent in the aisle of the theater. Francisco, sensing impending doom, rushes down from the stage and places himself in the middle of the two groups of joggers.
JOSH
Fuck.
FRANCISCO
This is getting interesting.
RUSTY
Francisco, does this theater have a douchebag license, because I think a big bunch of them just walked in.
TODD
Looks like there’s already a douchebag convention going on here, Joggernauts.
BRYAN
More like JoggerNOTS. Spelled with an N, O, T, S at the end.
The two teams crowd in towards each other with menace, Francisco getting smooshed in the middle. The following exchange gets heated.
REISMAN
A douchebag says what?
BRYAN
What? Oh, shit he got me.
ROB
I’ve got a joke. Four douchebags walk into a bar. And then four awesome guys walk in right after them. That’s right – you guys are the douchebags.
RUSTY
That’s not a well written joke.
TODD
Are you starin’ at my bulge?!?
REISMAN
No!
JOSH
Fuck man, fuck!
BRYAN
This is all making me so mad!
FRANCISCO
Gentlemen! Please. Cool your…chalupas.
MARK
Jog Machine.
KIRCHBERGER
Joggernauts.
MARK
We’re sick of your smack talk.
KIRCHBERGER
And we’re sick of your jibber jabber.
MARK
You know as well as I do that there’s only one way to settle this.
KIRCHBERGER
Ooh, for once you said something un-retard-like. I agree.
MARK
Fuck the schedule.
KIRCHBERGER
We end this tonight.
Everyone starts snapping headbands onto their heads.
FRANCISCO
Are you guys going to jog-off here? Tonight?
KIRCHBERGER
That’s right. Right here in the middle of this shitty comedy show.
FRANCISCO
Hey.
JOSH
J-O-G man.
MARK
Everyone got their headbands on? (assorted affirmatives). Soundbooth guy, you got any Jock Jams up there?
ANTONIO IN THE BOOTH
Yes.
MARK
Good. Tournament rules. Thirty seconds of all-out jogging. No teeth.
KIRCHBERGER
Whomsoever jogs best. Wins.
MARK
On the count of three.
KIRCHBERGER
One.
MARK
Two.
MARK AND KIRCHBERGER
Three!
Antonio cues Jock Jams – “y’all ready for this? nah nah nah NAH NAH nah NAH NAH na na etc..
This goes on for thirty seconds, during which time the eight joggers just jog around the theater very intensely and randomly. The music stops abruptly, and the winded joggers stop in place. Spent. Drained. They have all jogged their hardest.
BRYAN
(out of breath) Damn. You guys sure can jog.
RUSTY
(also winded) Nah, you guys, you guys totally brought the jog on tonight.
TODD
We jogged as hard as we could. But you guys still outjogged us.
KIRCHBERGER
(to the rest of the Jog Machine) The Joggernauts have won our respect! On this night, let it be known that the Jog Machine was bested by The Joggernauts.
The Joggernauts high five each other and pat each other on the back.
FRANCISCO
How the hell could you guys tell who won? Ladies and gentlemen, could you tell?
(Tuesday night’s crowd shook their heads, smiling)
MARK
Wasn’t it obvious?
KIRCHBERGER
But make no mistake, Joggernauts. We won’t take you so lightly next time. When next we have a Jog-off, we’ll be bringing our A-jog.
MARK
And so shall we, Miami Jog Machine, so shall we.
TODD
I should hope so. It will be an honor to jog with you again.
JOSH
Fuckin’ J-O-G man. Fuck.
MARK
Hey why do you curse so much? It’s weird!
KIRCHBERGER
Jog Machine! I think we’ve all learned something tonight. No matter what may divide us. Politics. Geography. Sexual orientation. Diet. Taste in cinema. We are ALL joggers. To jog…
ALL JOGGERS
…is to live!
MARK
Come, my jogging brethren! Let us quench our thirst at the bar. Tonight, drinks are on the Joggernauts!
ALL JOGGERS
Huzzah!
As they all begin to jog out, they resume the earlier chant from the Gwen Stefani song…
MARK
A few times I’ve been around that track so it’s not just gonna happen like that -
ALL JOGGERS
‘Cause I ain’t no hollaback girl. Yeah I ain’t no hollaback girl.
…and they’re gone, leaving behind a bewildered Francisco.
FRANCISCO
Well. What the fuck was that?