Every day, millions of pets nationwide continue to exist in a state of laserlessness. Help us help laserless pets by giving generously to the Pets Without Lasers Foundation, a foundation whose noble goal since 1999 has been to provide a desperately needed laser to every pet without one. Consider these statistics:

Since THE YEAR PETS WERE INVENTED, none of them have ever had lasers.

A staggering figure. A trend that must be stopped if we are to ensure the laserfulness of our pets and our children’s pets. Giving is easy. Simply give $100 in cash to Andres du Bouchet the next time you see him, and he’ll make sure that your money goes to the Pets Without Lasers Foundation, a foundation whose singular pursuit of providing pets with lasers has taken precedence over even the most basic steps of setting up a foundation, such as registering any sort of a mailing address or phone number. Simply give the cash to Andres.

Each month, you’ll see your money go to work providing Andres with new sneakers, a nice corduroy jacket, and spiffy glasses. Tangible proof that we’ve begun providing lasers to pets that need lasers, and that those pets with lasers have now started using them in ways we can barely fathom to improve Andres’ warddrobe. And home entertainment system.

NADS

Nads is a 3-year old Jack Russell Terrier owned by one Peter “Zaxxon” Feldman, a Williamsburg resident who makes a living frowning at music. Listen to his heartfelt testimonial: “My dog Nads totally has a laser now, and I am seriously freaking the fuck out. Alright I gotta jam, Duran At Work is playing 80s night at The Droop and I’m supposed to be there frowning from 10-1.”

SARANDON

Sarandon is an 11-year old weimaraner owned by one Sarandon Nichols, an Upper East Side resident who makes a living chastising baristas. Listen to her heartfelt testimonial: “No. No, I specifically said skim.”

Still not convinced? Hi. I’m Andres du Bouchet. Do you like my new sneakers? Anyway, since 1999 I’ve been UH-OH SNACK ATTACK END OF POST.