Over the past several months, many of you have written to me or called to express your concern over what  you perceive to be a conflict of interests regarding my twin careers as both CEO of Angerpoop, and as a moderately successful slightly-below-the-radar unpaid performer on the “alternative” comedy scene here in Manhattan. Fear not. Though I can understand your suspicions that some conflict of interest may be in play, there really is no need to worry. Allow me to present my case with some pertinent points:

1. Angerpoop Enterprises, though a highly successful corporation with a long track record of supporting the performing arts, has no direct production ties to the comedy world. Any comedians who make frequent use of Angerpoop’s fine products (Orcaballs, Orcaballs Plus, Orcaballs Clear, etc.) do so without any compensation from Angerpoop. However, just so that there is absolutely no suspicion of any wrongdoing, I myself forego use of Angerpoop’s products entirely, and instead use the products of our competitor (Incredizone’s Bonermancer, Bonermancer Xtreme, Bonermancer The White, etc.).

2. My duties as CEO of Angerpoop do include overseeing production and quality assurance of our fine products (Zoom Powder, Porcupunch, Morning-Go-By, Orcaballs Gay, etc.), the promotion of said products (Elk Breath, Shut The Flush Up, Pounder Grease, Orcaballs Sinus, etc.)  and the distribution of said products (Orange Plop, etc.), but not the execution of deals pertaining to the performing arts community. For example, I have no connection to Angerpoop’s monthly comedy showcase in Tribeca, that I just happen to perform in frequently. Well. Monthly.

3. I started this post days ago and now I have no idea what the hell the point was going to be.

4. Right now in my bathroom magazine rack at home: three issues of The New Yorker and five issues of MAD.

5. Orcaballs.