I am writing to express my extreme dissatisfaction with my latest headshot (enclosed):

When I first saw your ad in Backstage, I was skeptical: “Professional headshots for one dollar!” It seemed too good to be true. But being in the rather dire financial straits that I am, and in need of new headshots, I decided to plunk down my last buck and take a chance with your company. How sorely disappointed I am. As you can see from the resulting photo, your photographer, Charles Norman Nelson, proved utterly unable to capture my natural charm, sense of whimsy, left eye or right hand. His suggestion that I wave during the shoot seemed odd at the time, and it certainly looks ludicrous here. In addition, I do not have a beard, I am not of Middle Eastern descent, and I distinctly remember smiling during the shoot. About the only thing Charles was able to capture properly was my awesome hat, which actually looks great here. However, it is not my HAT that needed to look great in these photos! My HAT has no interest in regional musical theater! BUT I DO. My hat cannot sing worth a lick, and does not command the stage as a rose commands a flower arrangement! BUT I CAN AND I DO! My opinion in the professional artistic community may not carry much weight right now, but soon it shall be as an anvil. Is. Therefore, I demand that you return my dollar, or incur my further wrath and lots of bad-mouthing by me. About you. I’ve lost my train of thought and my fingers ache. I shall await my refund with continuing vitriol.

Sincerely,

Andres Mario du Bouchet (angered)