(Andres addresses the camera calmly and sincerely as he strolls through various hospital settings – all of the cursing is bleeped out. Sad piano music plays. Shots of doctors, scientists, bald kids and shit.)

—

Did you know that every year, cancer claims the lives of over half a million Americans?

That’s pretty fucked-up.

Hi, I’m Andres du Bouchet, and I think it’s a hot steaming load of horse shit that we haven’t found a cure for cancer yet. Some people say we just need to be patient, that scientists are working hard to find a cure. That it’s just a matter of time.

Well fuck that shit.

I think it’s high time we all stopped jerking-off, got our heads out of our asses, and put our motherfucking money where our motherfucking mouths are.

That’s why I’m here to tell you about my new charity – Curse For The Cure. It’s the shit.

Curse For The Cure is a way to raise money for cancer research without running or walking or biking or some other annoying shit that makes you piss blood and shit yourself. All you have to do is curse, and with every curse, you’re raising money to find a cure for cancer.

Curse For The Cure is the balls. Fuck those other charities.

What’s your favorite curse word? Fuck? Shit? Cunt? Asshole? Motherfucker? Cocksucker? Or maybe you’d like to make up your own curse, like cuntblaster. It’s up to you.

You choose your curse, and you choose your level of commitment. Whether it’s a penny for every fuck or a dollar for every cunt or five dollars for every cocksucker. It’s up to you, asshole.

I give a dollar for every curse, period. It’s been adding up to thousands of dollars a day. But that’s just me. I’m a rich Hollywood motherfucker, not some stupid shithead sitting at home with my thumb up my dickhole. Ass. Balls. Shit. Boom, I just raised three more bucks. Jizz. Make it four.

Call now for your free starter kit, and together we can find a cure. We can rip cancer’s dick off, piss on it, and make it eat its own piss-covered dick. Metaphorically speaking.

Do I think Curse For The Cure will work? Does a boy bear use its big hairy bear cock to fuck a girl bear in its big hairy bear pussy? You bet your Mom’s balls it fucking does. Call now.

Curse For The Cure