Since I haven’t posted many blog entries other than video clips and Moonwork notes in a while, here’s my latest futile salvo of silly writing for consideration by network tv. I spend way too much time fretting over this stuff, and then when it’s all said and done I look at it and think…”eh. I thought I was funnier than this.” In fact, the more I look at this packet the less I like it. C’est la vie!
(they just aired some sort of Sorkin parody, but I swear I wrote this prior to that – also, thanks to Amanda Melson for telling me my offhanded comment mocking Sorkin scenes would make a funny bit)
Our next guests combine the exciting action of roller-skating with the intense dialogue of the television dramas of Aaron Sorkin. Because the only thing more captivating than watching people argue while walking…is watching them argue while rolling! It is my pleasure to bring you, Roller Sorkin!
CUT TO: Two young, enthusiastic performers in one of the back hallways, each wearing a microphone headset, matching outfit and of course, roller-skates:
BOTH – The West Wing. Season Two. Episode Eight!
(they roller-skate down the hallway while performing the dialogue)
GIRL – Did you read McIntyre’s speech?
GUY – She said I was “boorish”.
GIRL – You need to read the speech.
GUY – What does boorish mean anyway?
GIRL – Boorish means ill-mannered.
GUY – I’m not ill-mannered.
GIRL – Yes you are. Case in point, you said you would read the speech and you didn’t.
GUY – I don’t need to read the speech.
GIRL – Why not?
GUY – I wrote it.
BOTH – (arms raised like cheerleaders) Roller Sorkin!
GPS is an indispensable tool of modern transportation, but it can be boring. Now, you can get your GPS system outfitted with both the voice and personality of your favorite celebrity!
Woody Allen – “Oh jeez, you really should’ve made that left back there. Stop veering! Get in the left lane. I haven’t wanted to be in a lane this much since I met Diane Lane at The Russian Tea Room. She’s a looker. But way out of my league. You missed another turn. Sorry. Do you have any aspirin?”
Dick Cheney – “Make a right. Then the next right. Then another right! Always stay to the right!”
Mel Gibson – “Speed up, Sugartits! We’re being chased by a vast Jewish conspiracy!”
Sidney Poitier – “Remember, the choices that you make here and now will have a profound effect on where this road takes you. In twenty, or even fifty years, will you be able to look back on this moment and say to yourself ‘yes, I am proud of the person I have become?’ If so, then merge! Merge with all your heart!”
Nick Nolte – “Where are we? Do you have an atlas? Get out a map! I need a drink. Wait, I’m just a voice, I can’t drink! Aaaaaaaaah! (beat) You have arrived at your destination.”
A new one-dollar coin featuring a portrait of George Washington was unveiled today. Finally, a coin with Washington on it! Other soon-to-be introduced currency:
-A one dollar bill with Lincoln’s face on it.
-The one cent bill.
- A twenty dollar bill with a portrait of Andrew Jackson in which he is holding a ten dollar bill and giving a thumbs up.
- A bill with 50s in the upper left and lower right corners, and 100s in the other two corners, with a portrait of Grant and Franklin making out.
- A bill that just has dollar signs in the corners and the word ‘Money!’ across the middle. The portrait is of a cheeseburger driving a racecar.
HANG GLIDING DOUCHEBAGS
These guys bring a bad attitude to a high altitude! It’s Trey and Boner, the Hang Gliding Douchebags! Two meatheads in hang gliding gear ‘fly’ in front of a green-screened panorama, shouting insults at the people off-screen on the ground:
TREY – Hey lady, you’re so fat that from up here, you DON’T look like an ant!
BONER – You just look like a very far away fat person!
TREY – Hey look, it’s Al Roker
BONER – Hey Al, looks like a 100% chance of showers! [spits]
TREY – Forecast calls for snow! Woo! [scratches scalp]
BONER – Ooh, looks like there’s gonna me some funny smelling, yellow rain!
TREY – (beat) Um. I can’t…when there’s other people around.
BONER – Oh. Me neither. I’ve got what do you call it, shy -
TREY – Shy kidneys yeah. Hey Roker you lucked out we’ve got shy kidneys!
TREY – Hey Roker! F(bleep)k you!
BONER – Go f(bleep)k yourself Al!
TREY – High five!
Trey and Boner high five, which sends them careening to their deaths on the hillside below. Oddly, their crash culminates with a massive, fiery explosion.
We all love balloons, right? And we all love juggling, right? Well, our next guests have taken the calculated risk that we’ll also enjoy balloon juggling. Please welcome…Balloonimation! A gaggle of performers come spilling out onto the stage, each with a red balloon in their hands. They form a circle. Dramatic music swells. “This juggling formation is called…The Maelstrom! 1…2…3!” They attempt to juggle, but upon release, all of their balloons float up to the ceiling. After a moment of stunned confusion, they grill ‘the new guy’ as to why he filled the balloons with helium. After a beat, he defiantly screams “Balloonapalooza rules!” and runs offstage, where he high fives a different group of balloon-holding performers. Damn. Thwarted by their nemesis again.
KIDS SAY THE MOST INACCURATE THINGS
Let’s face it – kids are cute, but woefully uninformed. Conan asks some cute kids various current events and trivia questions. Each time they get a wrong answer, a giant booming voice says “INACCURATE!” and an animated dunce cap appears on the child’s head. As it goes on, the big booming voice gets more indignant.
- “INACCURATE! HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW THAT???”
- “HIGHLY INACCURATE! AN ELEPHANT THAT HEAVY WOULD BE CRUSHED UNDER ITS OWN WEIGHT!”
- “TOTALLY INACCURATE! THE WORD IS PRONOUNCED ‘SPAGHETTI’! ‘PASKETTI’ IS NOT EVEN A WORD! YOU’RE MAKING UP WORDS, WHICH IS WHAT LIARS DO! LIAR!”
- “INACCURATE! YOU ARE NOT POINTING AT IDAHO, YOU ARE POINTING AT NORTH KOREA! THE APPROPRIATE AUTHORITIES HAVE BEEN ALERTED!”
- “INACCURATE! YOUR LACK OF KNOWLEDGE MIGHT BE CUTE NOW, BUT IT PORTENDS A FUTURE IN WHICH YOU ARE POOR AND ANGRY.”
A GHOST, A SNAKE, AND A BULIMIC
As Conan announces the following night’s guests, he is interrupted by booing, hissing, and gagging sounds. He looks into the audience to see a ghost, snake and very skinny woman with a pail. When he scolds them for being rude, they apologize, claiming it’s just their nature, since they’re a ghost, snake, and bulimic. Conan then continues announcing the following night’s guests, and is interrupted by the same sounds again. Except this time, the camera clearly captures that it’s the ghost making the gagging noise, the snake booing, and the bulimic hissing. After Conan scolds them again, they feign innocence and promise to be quiet. During Conan’s third attempt at announcing the following evening’s guests, we hear a cellphone ringing. As it continues ringing, the ghost, snake and bulimic all sit still, stonefaced. Finally, Conan yells “just answer the damn thing!” The snake spits the cellphone into the pail, which the ghost then picks up and answers – “Dude, my friend ate your friend. Boo!” Cut to Joel on his cellphone looking grief-stricken. “Fernando! Mi Amor! Nooooo!”
Hey you kids out there! Are you like me? Do you find reading the newspaper as boring as a Metallica song? Well, we’ve taken the day’s headlines and reduced them to the essential handful of letters necessary to barely convey the news:
-CLTS CHMPS – The Colts are Superbowl Champs.
- ZZZZZZZZZZ – President Bush gave the State of the Union Address last night.
- MHMD AHMDNJD BSHR ALSD ABDL AZZ ALSD NR ALMLK MR MTZPLK MT TO DSCSS MDST CRSS YSTRDY – Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Bashar Al-Asad, Abdul Aziz Al Saud, Nouri al-Maliki and Mr. Mitzelplik met to discuss the Mideast Crisis yesterday.
- WTF – Britney Spears shaved her head.
GUITAR SOLO OR ORGASM?
Ladies and gentlemen, this game is simple. We’re going to show you a close-up of a person’s face, and you have to determine whether that person is playing a guitar solo or having an orgasm.
- Eddie Van Halen’s face. He’s playing a guitar solo.
- Ron Jeremy’s face. He’s playing a guitar solo too! Huh, who would have thought.
- Prince’s face. He’s doing both. Actually, he’s playing one guitar solo and having two orgasms simultaneously.
As he is wont to do when there is an attractive female guest on the show, Conan makes the cat pawing gesture and “Rowr!” sound at some point during the interview. When he does, a siren goes off, balloons drop from the ceiling, and 1000TH ROWR! flashes on the screen as Joel announces that it’s the 1000th time Conan has made that flirty sound to a hot female guest. After an intern hands Conan a trophy of himself making the cat gesture, a slo-mo montage of such moments from over the years plays accompanied by the song ‘What’s New Pussycat’.
MAX WEINBERG’S ‘GLORY DAYS’
Being the band leader for Late Night is fun and all, but it’s nothing compared to Max’s ‘Glory Days’ with Bruce and the E-Street Band. Each segment involves Max wistfully recalling some debauchery-filled moment from his ‘Glory Days’ on tour with Bruce as the Max Weinberg Seven scowl and the song ‘Glory Days’ plays in the background. At the conclusion of each story, Max says “Yep, those truly were my ‘Glory Days’. But I like you guys too.”
Buck Dollarworth – the man with the richest name in the world! He’s a hobo who asks Conan for change. “It’s only my name that’s rich!”
Jim ‘Boob Job’ Jones – “I’m professional arm wrestler Jim Boob Job Jones! Why is my nickname ‘Boob Job’? I dunno. Why don’t you take a look while WHAM LOOKS LIKE I JUST BEAT YOU AT ARM WRESTLING YESSSSSSSSS!”
‘You Wouldn’t Want To Hurt The Baby’ Man – a superhero whose sole power is the cute baby he’s carrying in a baby bjorn. “Stop right there, mugger! You wouldn’t want to hurt the BABY, would you?”
The Guy Who Pretends That He Thinks He’s Invisible – a naked guy who persistently attempts to use the excuse that he THINKS he’s invisible, when it’s obvious that he knows he’s not. He just likes running around naked.
Captain Vicarious – a superhero who pops in from time to time to ask Conan about his life, and is clearly just living vicariously through him. “Wow man, I saw that sandwich you were eating earlier. That looked delicious. Tell me it was delicious, Conan. Captaaaaaain Vicaaaaaaarious! Away!”