The Boliviguay Board of Tourism
In Cooperation With the Muchovision Network
From A Grant Provided By The Sumitomi Amalgamated Chemical Corporation
Is Proud To Present
BOLIVIGUAY: LAND OF EXTRAVAGANCHANTMENT!
A Visitor’s Guide To The World’s Only Extravaganzocracy
With Your Host
A husky man in a suit and tie (with a kick-ass haircut) stands on a beach addressing the camera as turquoise waves gently lap white sand in the background. Various beachcombers and swimmers populate the background as well, frolicking in the sun – and each of them also addressing small camera crews that follow them around.
(sounding vaguely Spanish) Hello, I’m Francisco Guglioni, and yes, this is a plantain in my pocket. Here in my home country, that’s just our way of saying “I’m happy to see you.” And let me tell you, there aren’t any pockets roomy enough to accommodate all of the plantains it would take to properly convey just how happy I am to be here today. And also, there aren’t any plantains small enough so that a regular-sized pocket could hold enough of them for the same metaphor. Which is to say, very. (awkward pause) Because I always consider it a treat to introduce new friends to the place where I grew up, the country affectionately known the world over as ‘The Tiny Circus’. That’s right, welcome to Boliviguay: Land of Extravaganchantment!
As Francisco smiles and spreads his arms wide, the camera quickly pulls back and up to give an aerial view, revealing that the entire beach is swarming with camera crews and people with microphones. Then, a quick cut back to Francisco addressing the camera at eye level.
Boliviguay is an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, polka-dot bikini of a country in South America, located smack dab in between Bolivia and Paraguay. You won’t find it on any map, unless I get to the map first (holds up a Sharpie pen)!
Cut to an old, scuffed-up globe, spinning slowly and being brought to a stop by a hand. The camera pans in to South America, where it looks like someone with a black magic marker has drawn an arrow pointing at a dot in between Bolivia and Paraguay. At the end of the arrow is the word ‘Boliviguay’ handwritten in the same black magic marker. Cut back to Francisco.
And even then, your first reaction would most likely not be “cool, a new country”, it would probably be something like “how did you get in my house, you handsome, dashing…” followed by kissing noises. But I’m not hear to fantasize about breaking into your home and making love to you, I can do that on my own time. And I will. Today, I’m here to tell you about Boliviguay: Land of Extravaganchantment!
Again, Francisco smiles and spreads his arms, and again the camera quickly pulls back to the big overhead shot. Cut back to Francisco.
Here in Boliviguay, the national language is English…but with a Spanish accent. True story.
TO BE CONTINUED…