Life In A Bar

REJECTED

I have a few bits in this compilation of material that was rejected from various shows, magazines, etc.
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The Onion A.V. Club

Andres answers the question, “What is Funny?”
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Jest Magazine

911 Special Edition
Budget Fitness (PDF)
Deck the Hall of Arctic Life (PDF)
Thanksgiving Quotes (PDF)
Video Game Reviews (PDF)

Naked Trampoline Hamlet!

It’s an hour of absurdist filth, and I’m damn proud of it. Give me your ten bucks.

Howya doin’.

Allow me to introduce myself. No wait, screw that, I don’t need your permission.

My name’s Karl Management. I own and operate my own talent agency, Management Talent Management. Perhaps you’ve heard our slogan:

“If you’ve got talent to manage, let Management Talent Management manage your talent. If not, I’m sure you’ll manage.”

Anyway I was watching you perform, and I gotta say, I thought your set was okay. No wait. It was the best thing I’ve ever seen.

Let me make this brief:

“ah!”

No wait, that was way too brief. Here’s a longer explanation: I’m starting my own record label, and I want you to be the first artist that I sign. And when I say “artist”, I mean sculptor, in so far as you sculpt my wallet into a big fat wallet full of money.

What’s my record label called? Good question. It’s called “Diarrhea Vampire Penis Bakery Law Firm”. Why the gross stupid name? I’ll tell ya why: defy expectations. We’re not a law firm. We’re not a bakery. And vampires and penises have nothing to do with what we do. That’s the extent of my explanation.

Anyway, Diarrhea Vampire Penis Bakery Law Firm needs you.

How’d I get into the music business? True story – I was discovered by an R.E.M. song while sipping some hallucinogenic tea at a Los Feliz coffee shop. It was the song “Man on The moon”, and I was appreciating

the fuck out of it. The song noticed how good I was at appreciating it, and it signed me right then and there. At least that’s how I remember it. I know the part about the tea is true. Anyway, here I am.

Now since I’m not a real person I can offer you a killer deal. A million now, a million after, and a million during. Plus 103%

of all sales.

And as a bonus you get to drive around in a real Transformer. It’s a car that transforms into a roofless car. His name is Mechanimus Autosaur. To find him, just go to any parking lot and hotwire the first convertible you see. That’s him.

Your deal also includes all the sushi you can eat! Except it’s breaded and it’s fried and it’s chicken.

I got a recording studio in the Hollywood Hills. You can live there if you want. but during the day it’s the Griffith Observatory so you’ll need to be out by 9am every morning. That’s right, I own the Griffith Observatory. Here’s the key to the place. It looks like a lockpick but it’s a key.

You know that restaurant, House of Pies? When I’m through with you, your career is going to be like that restaurant, but with hits instead of pies. Plus lots of mediocre songs instead of the other food they serve.

What’s your act’s name? Not anymore. Now you guys are called Zooey and The Clam. No wait. The Pepsi Twins. No wait. Johnny And The Kleptos. Wait, that’s your name already right? Great minds think alike.

Any questions? Because I’ll tell you what the answer is right now: Maybe.

Alright, let’s go. Mechanimus Autosaur is waiting.