Bonus Track!
Plenty of stuff I write never makes it to air, and this bit is no exception. I’m including it here because I’m a huge fan of my own work. Basically, for this sketch I re-purposed two characters that Brian Stack and Jose Arroyo used to play occasionally on ‘Late Night’:
(OPEN ON: CONAN AT HOMEBASE)
CONAN
• Big Super Bowl news.
• A new study has found that the emotional stress of watching the Super Bowl can trigger heart attacks.
(STILL F/F: CNN.COM ARTICLE)
CONAN (CONT’D)
• So in order to make watching the Super Bowl less stressful, Fox is replacing its regular announcing team of Joe Buck and Troy Aikman with two much more soft-spoken guys.
• Let’s meet them now.
• Please welcome smooth jazz DJs Ernie Rivers and Manny Salazar.
SPLIT SCREEN. JOSE AND STACK STANDING WITH FOX SPORTS MICROPHONES IN AN EMPTY FOOTBALL STADIUM. THEY SPEAK LIKE SMOOTH JAZZ DJS, AND TEND TO OVERLAP EACH OTHER A BIT.
CONAN
Welcome guys, thanks for doing this.
STACK
Our pleasure Conan.
JOSE
It is absolutely our pleasure.
STACK
The pleasure is all ours.
JOSE
It’s pleasure time where we are.
STACK
Outta site.
CONAN
Right. So you guys are smooth jazz DJs?
STACK
Actually, he’s a smooth jazz DJ.
JOSE
You got that right.
STACK
And I’m a soft jazz DJ.
JOSE
Big difference.
STACK
Huge.
JOSE
Huge, Conan, just like the offensive line of the (reads off a small piece of paper) Green Bay Packers.
CONAN
So why did they pick you guys to announce the Super Bowl?
STACK
It’s simple, really.
JOSE
They wanted the big game to be extra chillax-sational this year.
STACK
So that all of the Americans with heart disease don’t get too excited and keel over dead.
JOSE
Gotta stop the fatties from having heart attacks, Conan.
STACK
Gotta save those fatties.
JOSE
It’s gonna be a sexysmooth fatty rescue on Super Bowl Sunday.
CONAN
And how hard has the transition from jazz DJs to football announcers been?
STACK
Ridiculously hard, Conan.
JOSE
Very hard. Just like the punishing hits delivered by (looks at paper) Troy Pala..mah…loo.
STACK
(also looking at paper) Polam…lala…ooh.
JOSE
Popo-lama-ooh-ooh.
STACK & JOSE
(slightly different versions on top of each other) Pall-uh…mall-ooh. / Pall-mall-uh-oh.
CONAN
Troy Polamalu.
STACK
Outta site.
CONAN
And how have you been preparing?
STACK
Oh we’ve been practicing our smooth football announcing styles over some easily clearable non-NFL footage if you’d like to hear us at work.
JOSE
This footage is sexysmooth and clearable, Conan.
CONAN
Sure, let’s take a look.
(ROLL VT: FOOTBALL CLIP)
(Stack and Jose riffed over some Canadian Football League footage. As a touchdown was scored on a passing play, they said something along the lines of “You know, I think the endzone is a metaphor for all of life’s goals, whether it’s getting into culinary school / sure, or self-publishing your first collection of poetry, that’s one of my goals / oh I think they scored / really? Hadn’t noticed”)
CONAN (CONT’D)
I’m not sure you guys described a single thing correctly on that play.
STACK
Outta site.
JOSE
Well, I’m sure we’ll be ready for the big game next month.
CONAN
The Super Bowl is this Sunday.
STACK
That’s terrible news.
JOSE
The worst.
STACK
I’m going to be sick.
CONAN
AD LIB OUT.