Happy Thanksgiving!

Two more of my babies!

Curse For The Cure

(Andres addresses the camera calmly and sincerely as he strolls through various hospital settings – all of the cursing is bleeped out. Sad piano music plays. Shots of doctors, scientists, bald kids and shit.)

—

Did you know that every year, cancer claims the lives of over half a million Americans?

That’s pretty fucked-up.

Hi, I’m Andres du Bouchet, and I think it’s a hot steaming load of horse shit that we haven’t found a cure for cancer yet. Some people say we just need to be patient, that scientists are working hard to find a cure. That it’s just a matter of time.

Well fuck that shit.

I think it’s high time we all stopped jerking-off, got our heads out of our asses, and put our motherfucking money where our motherfucking mouths are.

That’s why I’m here to tell you about my new charity – Curse For The Cure. It’s the shit.

Curse For The Cure is a way to raise money for cancer research without running or walking or biking or some other annoying shit that makes you piss blood and shit yourself. All you have to do is curse, and with every curse, you’re raising money to find a cure for cancer.

Curse For The Cure is the balls. Fuck those other charities.

What’s your favorite curse word? Fuck? Shit? Cunt? Asshole? Motherfucker? Cocksucker? Or maybe you’d like to make up your own curse, like cuntblaster. It’s up to you.

You choose your curse, and you choose your level of commitment. Whether it’s a penny for every fuck or a dollar for every cunt or five dollars for every cocksucker. It’s up to you, asshole.

I give a dollar for every curse, period. It’s been adding up to thousands of dollars a day. But that’s just me. I’m a rich Hollywood motherfucker, not some stupid shithead sitting at home with my thumb up my dickhole. Ass. Balls. Shit. Boom, I just raised three more bucks. Jizz. Make it four.

Call now for your free starter kit, and together we can find a cure. We can rip cancer’s dick off, piss on it, and make it eat its own piss-covered dick. Metaphorically speaking.

Do I think Curse For The Cure will work? Does a boy bear use its big hairy bear cock to fuck a girl bear in its big hairy bear pussy? You bet your Mom’s balls it fucking does. Call now.

(more…)

Salesman Sale!

All salesmen must go! Due to the poor economy, we are overstocked with salesmen, so all of our salesmen are on sale! Like Bob Cooper, from Circuit City. He’s on sale for just $13.95! Or Glendale Mazda’s Avi Schwartz, he’s priced to move at just $22.50! Take a look at this guy! Burt Kiley of Staples! Just three dollars! Incredible mark downs on all of our salesmen! We don’t care what you do with them once you buy them! Make them do chores! Eat them! Make them fight and/or eat each other! I know that all sounds grotesque but I’m making a point here: we don’t care what you do with them! Lydia Cohen is a whore! Well, no she’s not, she’s a sales lady at The Candle Nook, but once you buy her for just $11.95, you can make her a whore if you want! Do not question how or why we have the right to sell these people here, in the United States, in the 21st century! All salesmen must go!

Gold4Sex.com!

Cash4Gold.com has turned all of America on to trading in their unwanted gold jewelry for cash! But are you still strapped for cash, even after having traded in all of your gold for cash? Are you looking to replenish your gold supply so you can trade in more gold for more cash? Then trade sexual favors for gold with Gold4Sex.com! It’s not prostitution because we’re not giving you cash, we’re giving you gold which you can then trade for cash! Gold4Sex.com has amassed a huge database of gold owners willing to trade in their gold for sex, and now we are looking to put those gold owners in touch with non-gold owners who are willing to have sex for gold so they, in turn, can trade that gold in for cash. How does Gold4Sex.com make a profit? Easy, we keep a small percentage of the gold for ourselves, but not the sex. That would be impossible. And remember, it’s not prostitution because we’re not paying you cash, we’re just giving you gold! Gold4Sex.com, the easiest way to get more gold so you can trade it in at Cash4Gold.com! It’s not prostitution! Testimonials!

“I traded some light petting for this gold bracelet, and then sold the bracelet for eighty dollars!”

“I went all the way with some guy from Cleveland, and he gave me this set of solid gold cufflinks, which I then traded for three hundred dollars!”

“I was pretty wasted, so I don’t really remember what I did, but…oh God…(looking around himself at all the gold)…so much gold. Ohhh God what did I do??? (weeps)”

(more…)

Notebook dump time!

I was going through my notes and found a few thingies that made me chuckle to myself, so the next few posts will be those thingies!