J.P. Buck’s

I work with a very nice guy named J.P. Buck, and one of the other writers (the insanely talented Todd Levin) and I agree that his name conjures images of an awesome rib and steak restaurant. Then, in an email to Todd and some other comedy folk, I wrote this stupid ramble, which I like enough to post here:

J.P. Buck’s, where the meat is plenty, the sauce is rich, and the mugs of beer are so big you need two hands to lift them to your mouth. Plus, nightly live music on the Elk Deck. All at J.P. Buck’s. Bring your own meat and we’ll give you a guaranteed 1 in 3 chance that we’ll serve that same exact meat back to you for dinner. 1 in 3. That’s the J.P. Buck’s guarantee. So if you all bring quality meat, you all eat quality meat! At J.P. Buck’s. Where you’ve got a 2 out of 3 chance of eating the meat someone else brought. J.P. Buck’s! Where we encourage you all to purchase quality meat and bring it here for us to cook and serve back to you. Meat that for someone reason we group into threes upon arrival, shuffle, and then cook and then serve back to the same group of three tables – meaning each of you that brought meat has a 1 in 3 chance of eating the same meat you brought, but a 2 in 3 chance of eating the meat brought by the other two tables assigned to your random three table grouping. All at J.P. Bucks! Where the meat is randomly distributed in groups of three, and the beer taps have a 1 in 4 chance of being connected to the keg that matches the tap. All at J.P. Bucks! Where the live music we just mentioned may or may not start a brawl when they’re given their 5th to 6th round of complimentary beer that doesn’t match what they ordered. At J.P. Bucks! Our entrance is a roof-mounted hole too small for most people to enter. J.P. Bucks! Where you insert your store bought meat through a chute in the parking lot, and enter through a tiny hole in our roof. You will hate it here at J.P. Bucks! “Hello, I’m J. J. Buck, owner and proprietor of J.P. Buck’s, the restaurant named after a city permit paperwork error. Here at J.P. Buck’s, we guarantee that if you can fit through the hole in our roof, you have a 1 in 3 chance of eating the same meat you brought, a 1 in 2 chance that it’s prepared in the manner you requested, and a 1 in 4 chance that the beer you order is the beer you get. And do you enjoy sports? Then we guarantee you’ll love our sports room, where anywhere from three to six old-style wood paneled televisions broadcast VHS tapes of 1980s super bowl highlights every night. It’s also the meat shuffle room, so be careful around the meat. Remember, if you touch that meat or soil it, there’s a 1 in 3 chance it’s the same meat you’ll be eating later! At J.P. Bucks! I’m going to say a price now. A price that may or may not correspond to anything we sell at J.P. Buck’s: $12.95. Thank you and please visit us soon!” (J.P. Buck’s jingle sung in Chinese)