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Writing » 2008 » March

Items marked with are personal favorites.

I’ve made it!

BEHOLD! I am in Wikipedia! You may have to do a search!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stand-up_comedy

SPITZ-her? I hardly even am familiar with that story!

So I’m about to go in to Comedy Central to tape some web stuff for their ‘Root Of All Evil’ show. I plan on doing this material, punctuated by lots of “Yeah! High five!” We’ll see…

SPITZER SCANDAL

Elliot Spitzer is evil because today is opposite day and having sex with an awesomely hot hooker is…”evil”. You go Elliot! Woo!

Governor Spitzer, shame on you! You professed to fight corruption, all the while engaging in it! Don’t be a hypocrite, put your money where her mouth is! Yeah, that’s it. Ooh.

C’mon, it’s not like he was caught propositioning another man for sex in the bathroom. And THAT guy is still in office!

Is it really all that evil to pay someone for sex? To cheat on your wife? To be a total hypocrite? To have thinning, greasy hair? To have an annoying voice and an ugly name?

What politician hasn’t cheated on his wife? You show me a politician who hasn’t cheated on his wife, and I’ll show you my weiner. Oops.

You know what’s evil? Spending 4300 bucks on a hooker! Who cares if she’s good. For that kind of money, you could have sex with 43 okay hookers. Or 430 lousy ones. Or 4300 incredibly tiny ones. From the 99 cent hooker store.

4300 bucks a pop is a bargain! My girlfriend charges me ALL of my money for sex once every eleven business days! Don’t ask how we arrived at that schedule, it’s a boring story.

I tried going to the Emperor’s VIP club once, but all I could afford was five minutes of sharing a panini with their receptionist. It was pretty hot. That was the best two hundred dollars I’ve ever spent.

And the crazy thing is, Spitzer’s wife is hot! Hey Mrs. Spitzer, if you want to get back at your husband, give me a call! I’ll only charge you 4200 dollars. Or just buy me an Xbox game!

I don’t think Spitzer is going to be in public office anymore. As of right now, he’s got ED. That’s right, Electile Dysfunction! High five! C’mon!

Publicly Elected Official? More like Pubicly Erected Official!

I wonder if she Spitzered or swallowed.

The NY Post printed some pictures of the hooker – and let me tell you, she’s positively BOOBernatorial. Get it? Because she boinked the governor! And gubernatorial is a word that is associated with…but I said BOOBernatorial. Because of…she has breasts.

I wonder if he gave her the Spitzer spritzer. C’mon, high five!

Turns out he wasn’t so much a champion of justice as he was a champion of THRUSTice. Thrust, get it? Like in sex! High five!

Turns out the hooker is also a singer. I’ve listened to her songs, and ironically, they don’t have much of a hook at all. Get it? Hooker? Hook?

I’ve listened to her songs, and as far as her singing goes, she’s a great hooker.

She’s a singer who has sex for money, but she’s still not as big of a skank as Britney Spears.

She must be really comfortable holding a microphone. Because she sure is used to holding something shaped like a microphone. By which I mean, penises.

If her singing career doesn’t work out, she’ll always have her hooker career to lie back on. I mean fall back on.

You know, Spitzer was just governing to support HIS music career. Don’t believe me? Watch this! Roll the video you guys are going to have to make now!

I can identify with her. In order to support my comedy career, I’ve had to walk the streets. Let me tell you, that walking gets pretty ginger after a while.

Elliot Spitzer isn’t exactly a sexy name. Do me Elliot. Ride me, Elliot. Legislate my booty! Govern my ass!

He went by the name Client 9. I tell ya, from the rumors I’ve heard, he’s more like Client five and a half! Woo!

Spitzer apparently went by the name Client 9. It sounds like a good name for a band. We’re Client 9, and tonight we’re going to rock you like an expensive hooker who’s been brought over state lines!

Client 9 sounds like a John Grisham movie. (He went from being an elected official to being an erected official)…Harrison Ford is…Client 9. “I want my wife back! Because she left me when she found out I paid 4300 bucks for a hooker! Where’s my family? Out of town? Good! Then I’m going to spend 4300 bucks on a hooker.”

The best were the newspaper headlines. Lov Guv Not Above The Law. Spitzer Swallows Pride.

The Lovernor Of Nude Pork State. Twisted Spitzer. Hooker, Line And Spitzer. Spitz Turns Tricks. Governor Hooker Sex Bust. I don’t know.

Barely Political

Here’s a video I acted in for my buddy Rusty Ward and the gang at Barely Political: