“How many songs can it hold?”

was my first question upon seeing my friend’s new baby boy. I guess I’m not exactly father material yet. Seriously though, how many gigs do you think a three week old baby has?

Cheap Seats

Today I’m shooting what should be a pretty funny segment for the ESPN Classic show “Cheap Seats”. I play a car dealer who keeps popping up on the set of the show – it’s funny stuff. I’ll keep you posted! And by you, I mean YOU Stan Zlrczisak of Pal Umbro, Rhode Island!

Yeah, I really stopped trying with the whole “made up names” thing ages ago.

UPDATE: It’s going to air on Monday, November 28th at 10pm on ESPN Classic. I think it went well, so tune in!

Holy Cow, I’m In Love!

Holy cow, I’m in love!

Golly wow, I’m in love!

Kaboom Kapow, I’m in love!

The world is one big tickle!

Oh all the babies and the puppies and the cookies agree

that you’re the cutesy wootsie tootsie smoochy lady for me…

—

Tonight I’m doing my vampire audition bit for a Comedy Central thingy (that’s industry speak for you non-industry…thingies) and since I can’t sing “I Love To Cry At Weddings” for rights reasons, I made up the above song. Hooray! Wish me luck, you might see me covered in fake blood on the internet.

My back is fucking killing me ow my fucking back ow.

Seriously, I thought I’d had back aches before, but this is ridiculous. I’m positively stooped! I’m steeped in stoopedness! I’m grimace wincing and my steps are mincing dammit! NO I AM NOT PASSING GAS – my face is contorted in Advil mocking pain! PAIN!!! My back hurts.

And now a poem about how much my back hurts:

Holy fucking ow

my back. Wow.

My Goddamn fucking back.

Here’s the FAQ:

Q: Ow your what?

A: Ow my back.

And now a one-act play about how much my back hurts:

Andres sits in a chair, smiling broadly but with a disturbing lack of life in his eyes.

OFFSTAGE VOICE

Hey Andres, catch!

A football whizzes just past Andres’ face. He makes no attempt to catch the football or even move at all. After a beat…

ANDRES

Nnnnnnnngh.

And now here’s a picture that illustrates just how much my back hurts:

Ow my F’ing back.

Here’s an Insider tip for Pat O’Brien…

YOU ARE ALLOWED TO SHAVE A MUSTACHE. They’re not mandatory and/or permanent! I hope this helped, Pat.