POGOTRAMPOPULT!!!

If there is one word that inspires thoughts of bouncing and/or flinging, let that word be…

Guy Apult

Hi. I’m guy. Guy A-aaaiiigggh! (he is suddenly flung up into the air and over the horizon by some unseen force)

I am ex-hausted.

I used be hausted, but those days are over. Now I’m just ex-hausted. Damn. My thoughts are dripping to my speaking mouth and typing fingers at the speed of molasses through a cocktail straw that’s still slowly uncrimping itself after having been twisted into a pretzel by some bored bar corner simp and tossed to the floor. The days of feeling any kind of energy after just 4 hours of sleep are long over. I remember when I was in my mid-twenties, I could stay out until 3am, get home by 4am, hit the sack, wake up at 7am, and be at work by 9am, and still feel like I’d slept until 11am or perhaps 12pm! And something about bacon and a pan. The point is, I need to take better care of myself. That being said, here are some lengths to which I am going to go to do that which I just stated I need to do (I just picked up a summons from the Sentence Police):

Get more sleep – at least 6 hours a night. Ideally, 8.

Eat healthier foods – goodbye burgers, hello salads!

Work out more – lats, quads, delts, glutes, bis, tris, fee fi mo mice Bo Bice! At least 3 times a week.

Stop trying to knock bees out of the air with my pee – I think the advantages to ceasing this behavior are obvious. The disadvantages? I shall be out of practice for this Fall’s ‘Bee Pee Bee B’. I won last year’s ‘Bee Pee Bee A’. Don’t know why they use a lettering system instead of Roman numerals.

You know what? I’m really full from lunch. I think I’ll shoot this post in the right buttock with a mercy tranquilizer dart and think of the next post…

The Winebot 8 Million!

THE AMAZING WINEBOT 8 MILLION

super rough draft that we threw on stage last night, with typos and misspellings and crap like that

ANDRES = Francisco

REISMAN = Dr. Pinot Merlot

ROB = The Amazing Winebot 8 Million

MARK = Chip, Francisco’s roommate (it says Fido in this script)

FRANCISCO

Ladies and gentlemen – true story, many of you know that I am a true wine conneseur. I have a glass of wine with almost every meal, and as such, I have enlisted the help of our next inventor on several occasions to help improve both the quality and frequency of my wine consumption experiences. Please welcome my good friend, Dr. Pinot Merlot! Welcome back, Dr. Merlot.

DR. MERLOT

It’s grape to be back, Francisco!

FRANCISCO

Excuse me?

Dr. MERLOT

I said, it’s grape to be back.

FRANCISCO

Oh, “it’s great to be back” yes, well it’s great to have you back – sorry, my hearing isn’t the greatest.

Dr. MERLOT

I said “grape” to be back. It was a pun.

FRANCISCO

I know, and I was pretending not to hear you. It was quite the corker!

Now then, Dr. Merlot, I heard through the great vine that you have a wonderful new wine-related invention for us tonight!

DR. MERLOT

Absolutely. Francisco, you drink a lot of wine, am I right?

FRANCISCO

You are right as rain.

DR. MERLOT

And what would you say are the six most annoying things about drinkning wine?

FRANCISCO

Six? Jesus. Um…well, 1) choosing what wine goes with what food is very hard, 2) wine is very expensive at restaurants, 3) it’s a pain in the ass to uncork wine 4) um…you have to stand up and walk over to where the wine is, it never comes to you eh, 5) the wine can not defend you in a fight and 6) um…oh man I can’t come up with a sixth one.

DR. MERLOT

Well, 5 out of 6 isn’t too bad. The answer to #6 was – wine can’t follow you around.

FRANCISCO

That sounds like #4.

DR. MERLOT

Wow, you do have bad hearing. Anyway, the invention I have for you tonight, Francisco, is going to revolutionize the way you select wine, order wine, consume wine, and protect yourself from muggers.

FRANCISCO

Wow.

DR. MERLOT

Hold on to your grapes, Francisco, because here comes The Amazing Winebot Eight Million! Winebot, activiate!

ROB strolls onto the stage, his cheeks puffed out with a mouthful of red wine.

FRANCISCO

Amazing! A robot! That has something to do with wine!

DR. MERLOT

Close, Francisco. It’s a robot that has everything to do with wine.

And defending yourself from muggers.

FRANCISCO

Why winebot eight million? Why such a high number?

DR. MERLOT

Beats me. You can call it the winebot six for all I care.

FRANCISCO

How does it work!

DR. MERLOT

Well, this may look like an ordinary robot…

FRANCISCO

It looks like an ordinary person, not a robot.

DR. MERLOT

(sarcastically) Look out Francisco, we’re surrounded by robots! Heh, you rascal you. Anyway, this may look like an ordinary robot, but it’s not. It’s the winebot five trillion. Inside the winebot are over 12 different pressurized chambers of wine varietals, ready to be mixed at a moments notice and then dispensed at your convenience.

FRANCISCO

Over 12?

DR. MERLOT

26.

FRANCISCO

Then why not say over 25? Or just say 26?

DR. MERLOT

I don’t know. I always thought over 12 sounded more impressive.

FRANCISCO

Hmm. You could say under 1 million.

DR. MERLOT

That would be silly! Anyway, the winebot can not only dispense a glassful of any kind of wine at a moments notice, based on what you’re eating, but it will follow you around and defend you from muggers.

FRANCISCO

Why does it look like he’s got a mouthful of wine?

DR. MERLOT

No, he’s got nothing in his mouth. The wine chambers are here, in his thorax.

FRANCISCO

His cheeks are all puffed up, and his lips are red.

DR. MERLOT

Hey, screw you Hollywood people and your unrealistic attitudes towards appearance and weight, that’s BS pal, the winebot’s cheeks are little puffy so what, and his lips are a healthy pink. You’ve got a fat ass.

FRANCISCO

Hey. I mean it literalyl looks like he’s got wine in his mouth.

DR. MERLOT

How about a demontstration?

FRANCISCO

Okay.

DR, MERLOT

Here, hold this wine glass.

FRANCISCO

Why do I have to hold it?

DR. MERLOT

Well, this lab coat was just washed.

FRANCISCO

What does that have to do with anything?

Dr. MERLOT

I…I don’t want to sweat from excitement and get it dirty again. I might get too excited if I hold the glass.

FRANCISCO

Oh, okay. I’ll hold the glass.

DR. MERLOT

Okay, what’s your favorite meal?

FRANCISCO

Oh – filet mignon with scalloped potatoes and creamed spinach

DR. MERLOT

Okay, let’s say that’ swhat you’ve ordered, but you’re at a restaurant with no liquor license!

FRANCISCO

No!

DR. MERLOT

True story! No liquor license!

FRANCISCO

Fuck! How did I wind up here! Fuuuck!

DR. MERLOT

Well, don’t worry, because you’ve got the winebot 12 billion with you

- he heard what you ordered, and he’ll provide the perfect wine for the meal! Just say winebot, dispense?

FRANCISCO

(holding glass at Rob’s crotch)

Winebot…

DR> MERLOT

No, up here – (points to mouth)

FRANCISCO

Oh. My imaginantion run amock again. (holds near mouth) Winebot, dispense!

ROB spits wine into the glass.

FRANCISCO

Amazing!

Dr. MERLOT

Go ahead, taste it. That’s real wine.

FRANCISCO

Of course it is, didn’t you just say it was mixed in his thorax according to…

DR> MERLOT

Yeah, yeah sure. Drink it.

FRANCISCO

Alright, I will. But you seem awfully eager to make me drink this wine that just came from…hey, why aren’t his cheeks puffy anymore?

ROB puffs cheeks back out.

DR. MERLOT

sure they are, look.

FRANCISCO

Oh, my mistake. DOwn the hatch!

F drinks wine.

FRANCISCO

Oh….my….God….what…the f….was I thinking….this is delicious! It would be the perfect compliment for that meal that I described earlier.

MERLOT

Yep, I told you.

FRANCISCO

Let’s try again!

MERLOT

Sure!

ROB goes off stage .

FRANCISCO

Where’d he go ?

MERLOT

He needed to recharge is power. His winebot. Power.

ROB returns.

FRANCISCO

That was fast.

MERLOT

Winebot runs on…curtain static.

FRANCISCO

Okay. How about a white wine? Good for Salmon and asparagus?

ROB runs off again.

FRANCISCO

Where’s he going?

MERLOT

Mmm. Salmon! I love salmon.

ROB returns.

FRANCISCO

Winebot, dispense!

ROB spits into the glass again, this time it’s pink.

MERLOT

There you go. White. Wine.

FRANCISCO

This looks like a Rosay.

MERLOT

Hmm. Are you sure?

FRANCISCO

It looks a little pinkish. Are you sure he’s not just holding wine in his mouth?

MERLOT

Mabe the winebot has determined that rosay is more appropriate for the meal you mentioned!

Francisco drinks it.

FRANCISCO

Wow! he’s right! This is wonderful! Why did you design the winebot to look like a dude with wine in his mouth?

MERLOT

I thought it would be funny. Now then, you’ve seen the winebots awesome skill at wine selection and production and spitting I mean dispensing, now let’s demonstrate it’s awesome mugger-stopping power.

Let’s get Jonny Fido up here to be the mugger.

FIDO gets on stage.

MERLOT

Okay Jonny, you’re going to pretend to mug Francisco, but the winebot is going to stop you.

ROB goes off and gets more wine in his mouth.

FRANCISCO

Why’d he leave again and then come back, And now his cheeks are puffy again.

FIDO

I don’t want to get wine on me,

MERLOT

Trust me, just pretend you’re a mugger and try to take Francisco’s wallet.

FIDO

I don’t want to get any wine stains on me.

MERLOT

Trust me.

FIDO

Okay fine, give me your wallet – (Rob punches him in the groin) AH MY NUTS!

FRANCISCO

The amazing winebot 4 trillion!

a minimalist knock knock poem

Knock knock.

Doctor.

NERD!