Alright, Humvee salesmen get to your dealerships, because you’re about to receive a host of new, young, lanky customers! That’s right, the NBA draft has come and gone once again, replenishing and rejuvenating the talent of one of the most entertaining spectacles in the United States: strip-club shoot-outs! Here is my depth* analysis of the first round:
1. Milwaukee chose center Andrew Bogut, whom I have never heard of. However, I believe this to be an excellent pick. In order to compete in the NBA, teams need what I call “anger in the middle”, and who would be angrier than a young man who’s been called “Booger” all his life? No one. Excellent pick. Opposing teams will soon learn to stop PICKING ON THE BOOGER. Stat predictions: 4.8 points and 28.6 boards per game.
2. Atlanta goes with avid bird slapper Marvin Williams, a half forward. Now, I’ve never heard of this young man either, but in order to justify the phrase “bird slapper”, which I just made up, I’m going to go ahead and say that this is a risky pick for the Atlanta…team. Marvin might indeed put up big bucket totals, but his reputation for slapping around birds could come back to peck him in the heiney. I’m going to be optimistic though, and predict 11.3 and 8.6. You can pick whatever stats those numbers stand for.
3. The Utah franchise chose Deron Williams, a guy who made big headlines! I would imagine. I’ve never heard of him, but somewhere, possibly his hometown’s paper, there must be oversized headlines, a limited edition for the terrifically near-sighted, for example, of his exploits on the field. Court, I mean. In those headlines, I’m sure they mention what his forte is. It is THIS skill that Utah hopes to capitalize on! I predict they’re right.
4. With Chris Paul, the New Orleans Hornets acquire the complete point guard prospect. He’s quick, athletic, shoots the ball extremely well, and most important, is a true floor general who knows how to lead.
5. The Charlotte Noodle-Tempest went ahead and snagged junior high phenom Raymond Felton. At 13, Raymond will have a hard time holding his own as a rookie, but my sources assure me that “I have never heard of Raymond Felton and do not know what I am writing right now because I am so fucking hungry.”
6. With shooting guard Martell Webster, the Portland Trailblazers get the complete package: speed, size, reach, gait, heft, breadth, tanginess, vim, vigor, chutzpah, pizzazz, feistiness, whole-grain, Atari, zestitution, and sunroof.
7. Toronto is a city in Canada, and whoever they picked will not want to stay there.
8. The New York Knickerbockers chose Channing Frye, whose inevitable Sportscenter nickname of “Carroll” Channing “Catcher In The” Frye will drive him to madness. However, this madness shall prove beneficial to the Knicks, whose CATCH THE MADNESS campaign will drive up ticket sales. Plus, opponents will cringe in confusion at the sight of Channing charging down the court while crying and fending off imaginary SNAKEBATS!
9. After a sweat-drenched afternoon of penetration-punctuated entwinement, I enjoy slamming open my love’s bedroom window and bellowing to the construction workers below: “Part of the fun, is a job well done!” At which point the construction workers usually toss me up a can of ice-cold beer and shout, in unison, “You are Der Lovemaker!”
10. Golden State picked Ike Diogu, a man whose name can be rearranged to spell Doug Ikie, which is a slightly less weird name.
11-58. Time to go buy some lunch, dildodudes!
*No, not in-depth.
Q: How many nuns does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Um. That’s all I’ve got for that one. Catching up on my posting!
I am going to continue picking my nose until it STOPS bleeding!
Make no mistake. The blood in and around my nose seeks to drive my finger out, but it shall not! I shall continue my campaign of firmly inserting my finger into my nostrils and scraping the inner-lining of my nose until the blood realizes it CANNOT win this war and ceases it’s being blood activities! Let us not forget the lesson of January 12, 2003, when I lost control of my bladder at Arby’s. Now, there are those who insist that the blood in my nose has nothing to do with the stain that assaulted my pants that day, but I ask you this: do you remember when Coach died on Cheers, and they replaced him with Woody? Thank you.
Also, my ongoing campaign to lose weight by eating Ben & Jerry’s is going well.
Okay. Here is the single stupidest thing anyone has ever written ever. I apologize to the poor SNR cast members who had to perform this last night. I wonder if it got any laughs…
CELIBATE LEOPARDY!
Game show music cues up
ANNOUNCER
And now, it’s time for another exciting episode of America’s least-watched game show, Celibate Leopardy! The only game show in which three contestants who have never had sex compete to determine which of two objects is more like a leopard! And now, here’s your host, Alec Tribeca!
ALEC
Thanks voiceover, and welcome to Celibate Leopardy, the only game show in which 3 contestants who’ve never had sex compete in trying to determine which of two objects is more like a leopard, i.e. “leopardy”. For those new to the show, leopardy means leopard-like, as in, that cat with spots sure is leopardy. Okay, lets meet our celibate contestants! First, from the Church of the Holy Chastity, it’s Sister Mary Catherine Terwilliger!
A nun jogs out and takes her place behind the game console.
SISTER MARY
Hello Alec, I’m excited to be here, and excited to attempt to determine which of two different objects is more like a leopard, or leopardy.
ALEC
And you’ve never had sex, right?
SISTER MARY
Of course not.
ALEC
Great! Now here’s our second contestant, a genital-free android, Unit L-14!
An android jogs out and takes its place.
L-14
Did you really have to mention the genital thing?
ALEC
And here’s Ernald Silverstein, a 43-year old computer programmer and nationally ranked Scrabble player who still lives in his parent’s basement.
Ernald jogs out.
ERNALD
I’m okay Mom!
ALEC
We’ll meet our celibate contestants in a bit, but first, let’s jump right to round one of Celibate Leopardy! Once again, not to beat a dead horse or anything, but this is the only gameshow in which 3 contestants who have never had sex –
ERNALD
Oh come on.
ALEC
- compete in trying to determine which of two objects is more like a leopard, i.e. “leopardy”. Here are your first two objects!
An alarm clock and a teapot are placed side by side on a pedestal.
ALEC (con.)
Which of these two objects is more like a leopard?
The Jeopardy theme plays.
Awkwardness is in the air. This is impossible.
Sister Mary buzzes in.
ALEC
Sister Mary!
SISTER MARY
Um. I think the alarm clock is more…leopardy?
Buzzer.
ALEC
Nope, I’m sorry, the teapot is more leopardy, Sister Mary. Nice try.
ERNALD
How the hell are we supposed to –
ALEC
Let’s meet our contestants now! Sister Mary, you are a nun.
SISTER MARY
Yes, that’s right.
ALEC
Fascinating. Unit L-14, you are a genital-free android.
L-14
You do NOT have to keep mentioning that I have no genitals. The mere fact that I am an android should be enough to –
ALEC
I didn’t know that we as a society had developed the technology yet to build androids.
L-14 shrugs.
ALEC (con.)
Much less genital-free androids.
L-14
Asshole!
ALEC
Ernald. That’s an interesting name. I guess.
ERNALD
My parents couldn’t decide whether to name me Ernest or Gerald, so they named me Ernald.
ALEC
Wow. I don’t have any problem believing that you’ve never had sex.
ERNALD
Hey!
ALEC
Time for round two! Which of THESE two objects is more leopard-like, or “leopardy”?
A hiking boot and a big foam “we’re #1″ hand are brought out and put on the table.
The jeopardy music plays. The contestants are resigned to their hopeless task.
L-14 buzzes in.
ALEC
L-14, the genital-free android, which of those two objects is more leopardy?
L-14
Um…the boot?
Buzzer.
ALEC
Nope.
ERNALD
This is so stupid.
ALEC
Time for final Leopardy! Which of these two sound clips is more leopardy? Clip number one!
An audio clip of a person repeating the word “leopard” in a monotone voice over and over again.
ALEC (con.)
And clip number two!
The sound of a large wild cat growling/roaring.
Ernald Buzzes.
ERNALD
The second one. Definitely!
ALEC
Nope. That was a bobcat. The first soundclip was more leopardy. Well, that’s all the time we have! Once again, nobody got anything right. And you guys have never had sex.
ERNALD
Shut up!
ALEC
Next week on Celebrity Celibate Leopardy, our contestants will be Godzilla, R2D2 and Tom Cruise. Goodnight!
Gameshow music to fade.