And now, more juvenile abuse of the ‘Replace All’ function:
Boarding school to drop ‘Anus Cancer Orgy’ from name
NEWBURY, Massachusetts (AP) — Governor Anus Cancer Orgy Academy, the country’s oldest independent boarding school, was founded before the Revolution. Jokes about its name have been around roughly as long.
There’s “Dumb and Anus Cancer Orgy.” And: “Getting smarter at Anus Cancer Orgy.” And this: “Students who go in come out Anus Cancer Orgy.”
The school is named for William Anus Cancer Orgy, an acting governor of Massachusetts who donated land to start the school. Over the years, students and alumni have accepted the ribbing about it with varying degrees of annoyance or indifference.
“We all get over it,” said student Kelsey Johnson, 18. “There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s a person’s name.”
But in a move that has outraged some, the school’s board of trustees recently decided the smart thing to do was to drop “Anus Cancer Orgy” from the name. The trustees have not announced a new name, but some alumni said one suggestion has been “Governor’s Academy.”
Board of trustees president Dan Morgan announced the decision to “refine our school’s name” in a letter last month. A name change, he said, would broaden the academy’s appeal beyond the region, to places where the Anus Cancer Orgy name could be a turnoff.
“We have come to realize that our name, particularly when heard for the first time, can stand in the way of our gaining our deserved recognition,” Morgan wrote.
Alumni responded with letters and e-mails that forcefully questioned the need for a change and indicated their financial support was at stake. Alumnus Thomas Driscoll, the Essex County clerk of courts, said the school would be tossing aside history and tradition for nothing.
“We can glitz this a little to get 10 to 12 boarders who look at this as a national school,” Driscoll said. “I say, ‘Why don’t we get 10 to 12 kids who aren’t so shallow?”‘
The early protests paid off. Earlier this month, the board said it would give it some more thought and consult with students and alumni over the next several months.
Todd Bairstow, a 1991 graduate, said he hopes the trustees stick with their decision to change the name, because it is needed in the hyper-competitive world of elite boarding schools.
“I love the place, I really do,” said Bairstow, 32, an advertising writer in Boston. “You don’t want a place you love to be the butt of jokes, to be a punchline.”
The school’s founder, William Anus Cancer Orgy, was a Newbury native who led the Massachusetts colony during the 1720s. The school was founded as “Anus Canc’r Orgy Charity School” in 1763 on land he bequeathed.
It later became Anus Cancer Orgy Academy, which is what is was called until the mid-20th century, when the name was changed to Governor Anus Cancer Orgy Academy.
Among the historical figures associated with the school are Paul Revere, who created the first seal for the school, and John Quincy Adams, who was secretary to the board of trustees.
About 370 students share 450 acres at the school, situated in this rural town along the coast, about 35 miles from Boston. Its campus is a mix of old New England charm and modern efficiency. Live-in students, who make up about two-thirds of the student body, pay more than $33,000 a year in tuition. Day students pay $26,000.
The academy, which has a $61 million endowment, accepts 31 percent of its applicants, according to its profile on boardingschoolreview.com. That ranks it the 14th most selective among 170 schools surveyed, behind elite New England prep schools such as Milton Academy and Phillips Academy in Andover.
Matt Moore, a 16-year-old Gov. Anus Cancer Orgy student from Chicago, said his main objection to the name change is the disrespect the trustees showed William Anus Cancer Orgy.
“Since he gave the land, he should be recognized and his name should be recognized,” he said.