Here’s a sketch that I wrote (and that James Greenberg helped shape and spiff-up) which was originally going to be in one of our Only Children shows, but now seems to be destined for the shelf:
Sounds of surf and gulls. Lights up on an empty stage.
There is a single “theater block” on the stage, (under which is a clean black T-shirt), and a genie’s lamp on the ground.
The sound of a prop plane slowly fades in until it sounds like it’s directly overhead. A CASTAWAY, in torn black T- shirt and shorts, runs onto the stage looking skyward and frantically waving…
CASTAWAY
Help! Over here! Help! Help! Over here! Over…dammit!
The sound of the prop plane fades away, leaving only the sounds of the surf and gulls.
CASTAWAY (CON.)
There goes another plane, and I’m still stuck on this damn island. This place stinks, my skin hurts…
The castaway notices the lamp.
CASTAWAY (CON.)
What the…a lamp!
He picks up the lamp and inspects it. He squints at it and starts to rub it. And then reads the uncovered inscription.
CASTAWAY (CON.)
Oh, very clever.
Suddenly, with a clap of thunder and a flashing of lights, all goes dark. As the lights fade back up, we see the castaway is no longer alone. A GENIE now stands on the beach as well.
GENIE
Who has summoned the almighty Genie of the Lamp?!
The castaway stares, unfazed.
GENIE (CON.)
Who has summoned me? Was it (does a pointing sweep of the room and lands on the castaway) YOU?!
Still, the castaway just stares.
GENIE (CON.)
It is I, the Almighty…the…c’mon pal, you’re killing me here. We both know you rubbed the lamp. Work with me.
CASTAWAY
So let me get this straight. You’re a genie.
GENIE
The Almighty Genie of the Lamp!
CASTAWAY
Right. And I inadvertently summoned you by rubbing this lamp so that I could read the inscription on the lamp.
GENIE
Yes!
CASTAWAY
Which reads “rub this lamp.”
GENIE
Pretty ironic!
CASTAWAY
Alright, I’ll play along. I’ve had stranger delusions since I’ve been stranded on this Godforsaken island.
GENIE
I am no delusion! I am the Almighty Genie of the Lamp! And it is now my duty to grant you three wishes!
CASTAWAY
You’re going to grant me three wishes?
GENIE
Yes! What is your first wish, master?
CASTAWAY
Okay, um…that’s the entire explanation?
GENIE
Yes! Your wish is my command!
CASTAWAY
There are no other rules or restrictions or…codicils or anything like that?
GENIE
No! You may wish for anything at all! What is your first of three wishes?
CASTAWAY
You’re sure?
GENIE
Look, it’s pretty simple stuff. I’m the genie of the lamp, you rubbed the lamp, you get three wishes. Now what wish can I grant for you. Master.
CASTAWAY
Well. If there are no other rules or regulations…
GENIE
None!
CASTAWAY
Or provisos? What about provisos?
GENIE
No provisos! Make a wish!
CASTAWAY
Then I’m going to go for the obvious.
GENIE
What do you mean, “the obvious?”
CASTAWAY
You know, what a kid would say.
GENIE
I don’t follow.
CASTAWAY
Infinite wishes.
GENIE
Oh, ha ha ha, that would be nice, wouldn’t it? No, you don’t understand, you only get three wishes!
CASTAWAY
No, you don’t understand. My first wish…is for infinite wishes.
The genie processes this. He goes deadpan. And then…
GENIE
Fuuuuuuck me.
CASTAWAY
Yeah, that’s why I was asking if you had explained everything, because usually, at least the way it works in stories and stuff, is that there are guidelines such as ‘no wishing for more wishes’, etc.
GENIE
Fuuuuuuck meeee! I can’t fucking believe it! Wait, how did you phrase it again?
CASTAWAY
Infinite wishes.
GENIE
Infinite wishes! Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit.
CASTAWAY
Are you new at being a genie?
GENIE
Um, no! No, I’ve been a genie for over four hundred years, okay, and I’ve granted thousands upon thousands of wishes. Three at a time. Little wish hat-tricks. Fuck!
CASTAWAY
No one has ever wished for infinite wishes?
GENIE
Nope, not a one. No, you are some clever S.O.B., I’ll give you that. Ohboyohboyohboy I am so screwed.
CASTAWAY
I thought the whole wishing for more wishes thing was a cliché…
GENIE
Well I guess I didn’t get cc’d on the Genie Cliché newsletter, Mr. Genius Innovator Of How People Wish For Things! Fuck!
CASTAWAY
Sorry. Anyway, for my first of an infinite number of wishes, I wish for –
The genie points and yells.
GENIE
Oh my God what’s that?
The castaway turns to look. Meanwhile, the genie gets down on the ground and frantically tries to re-enter the lamp with both feet first, as if he is struggling to pull a shoe onto both feet at the same time.
CASTAWAY
I don’t see anything. I’m going to turn back around now.
The castaway turns to see the genie struggling to get into the lamp.
CASTAWAY (CON.)
I really WISH you’d stop doing that.
Beat. The genie stops and stands back up.
GENIE
(fuming) Your wish is my command.
CASTAWAY
It’s a good thing I wished for those infinite wishes, huh? Otherwise, you’d probably be all smug and say, “Yes master, that leaves two more wishes!” And I’d be all “What are you talking about?” And you’d be like “you said ‘I really wish you’d stop doing that’” and I’d be all “why you crafty genie, BAH!” And you’d laugh and laugh.
GENIE
No. You see, I’ve never pulled that kind of crap on anyone. I’m not an asshole, like some people. When I said “Your wish is my command”, I was being sarcastic, I wasn’t granting a wish. It wouldn’t have counted against your three wishes.
CASTAWAY
Oh that’s right, I get THREE wishes! That means I get two more normal wishes before I need to tap into those infinite wishes that I used the first wish to wish for.
GENIE
You’re a real dick.
CASTAWAY
I wish I had a Snicker’s bar!
The genie, frowning, hands the castaway a Snickers bar.
CASTAWAY (CON.)
I wish I had another Snicker’s bar!
The genie hands him a second Snickers bar.
CASTAWAY (CON.)
Oh no, I’m all out of wishes! Why did I waste my last two wishes on Snickers Bars? Ahhh! Noooo! Snickers Bars Noooo! Why! (throwing a fake tantrum)
The genie stares and fumes.
CASTAWAY (CON.)
Wait a second. What did I wish for with my first wish again? Oh, that’s right! Infinite wishes! Let’s get started then, shall we?
GENIE
Wait. Before you start wishing willy nilly, let me just warn you. It’s not too late to use a wish to wish that you only had three wishes. Which I would promise to grant unconditionally. However, if you want to stick with the infinite wishes, I can’t promise I won’t be a real tool.
CASTAWAY
I’ll take my chances.
GENIE
Alright, then shoot.
CASTAWAY
I wish I were home.
GENIE
Your wish is my command!
The lights go dark and the sound of thunder booms. When the lights come up…
CASTAWAY
Why are we still here?
GENIE
This island is now your home!
CASTAWAY
What?
GENIE
You said you wished you were home. Well, you now own this island! It’s all yours. Home sweet home.
CASTAWAY
Ah, now I see what you meant about being a real tool.
GENIE
Yep.
CASTAWAY
Fine. I wish you would get rid of my sunburn.
GENIE
Your wish is my command!
The lights go dark and the sound of thunder booms. When the lights come up…
CASTAWAY
Ow! Hey! My skin hurts even worse than before! I wished for you to get rid of my sunburn!
GENIE
I did. I got rid of that sunburn, and replaced it with one about 20% worse.
CASTAWAY
Okay, fine. You’ve made your point. I’ll wish for something really simple. Um, how about this. I wish that my shirt were back in one piece.
GENIE
Your wish is my command!
The lights go dark and the sound of thunder booms. When the lights come up, the Castaway is now wearing a whole black T-shirt with no rips, gotten from under the cube – he has placed the original, ripped shirt under the cube…
CASTAWAY
That’s much bet – aaaahhh!
GENIE
What’s wrong?
CASTAWAY
The starch! This shirt is starched!
GENIE
Yes, that is officially the single starchiest shirt in human history.
CASTAWAY
Ah, it’s rubbing against my sunburn! My skin!
GENIE
You could scrape barnacles off of a ship’s hull with that shirt.
He rips it until it matches his old shirt.
CASTAWAY
I wish I had a sumptuous four-course meal of shrimp cocktail, caesar salad, filet mignon and a hot fudge sundae.
GENIE
Your wish is my command!
The lights go dark and the sound of thunder booms. When the lights come up, the castaway looks around as he doubles over in pain.
CASTAWAY
Oooh, my stomach. What did you do to me?
GENIE
You said you wished you HAD a four course meal. So you had it. It’s all in there, trust me.
CASTAWAY
But why do I feel so awful?
GENIE
The portions were huge. Think Outback Steak House times two.
CASTAWAY
Every wish is going to wind up like this, huh?
GENIE
Yeah, basically.
CASTAWAY
Isn’t there some sort of genie code of ethics?
GENIE
I’ve never heard of one. Maybe it’s published by the same people who wrote “The Genie Cliché Newsletter”, or “The Asshole’s Guide To Wishing For Infinite Wishes,” a book you seem to have read.
CASTAWAY
Fine, I wish that this meal was out of me.
GENIE
Your wish is my command!
The lights go dark and the sound of thunder booms. When the lights come up…
CASTAWAY
Aaaaaah. Hey…OH, COME ON! You made me crap myself! Oh…
GENIE
You said you wanted it out of you!
CASTAWAY
Ah! Dammit! ALRIGHT! You know what, I wish I never met you. I wish you were back in that lamp, and that I never found it to begin with!”
GENIE
Your wish is my command!
Black out with crash of thunder, lights up and there’s the same empty stage, cube, lamp.
CASTAWAY
Help! Over here! Help! Help! Over here! Over…dammit!
The sound of the prop plane fades away, leaving only the sounds of the surf and gulls.
CASTAWAY (CON.)
There goes another plane, and I’m still stuck on this damn island. This place stinks, my skin hurts…
The castaway notices the lamp.
CASTAWAY (CON.)
What the…a lamp!
BLACKOUT