Dork, interrupted.

Hey sorry for the lack of posts lately, I’m kind of adjusting to some rather seismic life changes right now. Stay tuned for more hilarity!

Hey ensign!

Howzitgoin. Just wanted to stretch my legs a bit and figured hey Deck 14 sounds good. Don’t get down below Deck 18 much. Nice deck. I was just taking a break from logging some stuff. Into my log. I’m supposed to log every day, but sometimes I let it slide and then WHAM reports are due and it’s like, “you like being Captain, you better get to loggin’!” Log, log, log. Yeah. So let me ask you something, ensign…Flaherty. Thanks. Remember that nebula incident thingy last week? With the cloud thing that we couldn’t shake and then we were like holy shit, it’s alive? And it was controlling Lieutenant Zmmm like a puppet and we had to eject him through the air lock? You remember that? Yeah. So anyway, I’m logging about that incident right now, and I can’t decide on what to call that…cloud thingy. Entity? Nice. I like that. Entity. How about I go with Cloud Entity. I like the sound of that. Alright ensign! Flaherty. Well I’ll tell ya what. I was going to have you investigate another one of those weird slime trails we’ve been having lately, you know, the ones that lead from that egg thing we picked up down into the bowels of the ship, but instead how about you and me go play some Hover Pong? Entity. Awesome.

Shameless.

(whistling to myself as I avert my gaze)

MORE VIDEO GAME REVIEWS

Here’s a very rough draft of a second installment of video game reviews. Let me know which ones should stay, and which ones should go.

TURBO TAXXX

This variation on the popular software package brings some completely unnecessary spice to the annual ritual of last-minute tax preparation. I tried to use it on multiple occasions, but each time I wound up feeling groggily satisfied after 15-20 minutes, and then neglected to finish doing my taxes.

IT’S OKAY BECAUSE SHE’S A ROBOT

After a brief opening sequence in which a panel on the back of the head of a voluptuous, bikini-clad woman is opened to reveal glowing circuitry, this game entreats the user to “Go to town! It’s okay because she’s a robot!”

TOM CLANCY’S AGENT PALE CYCLOPS II: THE M.I.L.F. IMPERATIVE

Once again, elite secret agent Pale Cyclops must enter the fray of global espionage, this time in an attempt to solve the mysterious disappearance of the world’s hot moms.

HUGH JACKMAN’S PRANCE MASTERS

Who knew he had it in him? After “X-Men” star Hugh Jackman’s fabu-riffic turn on Broadway as Peter Allen, an interactive dance instruction video game was the next logical step. It even comes with a “dance pad” on which to practice your moves!

HOT TUB WOLFENSTEIN

The year is 1942. Hitler’s inner circle is relaxing at a secret lodge high in the Alps. You’ll need all your stealth, savvy, weaponry, and a good pair of swim trunks to unlock the mysteries of “Hot Tub Wolfenstein!” Whose hand is that on your knee? Oh, you frisky genocidal maniac, you!

MARATHON RUNNER

This game can get a bit tedious, especially around mile 15. I did enjoy the “Patented Real-Time 3D Cramp Vision”, though.

POOL IN WHICH THE BALLS ARE FAMOUS HEADS

I’ve often found video pool to be a bit boring, but in this game, the balls are the heads of famous people! Complete with stunned expressions of dismay and spattering blood effects. George Clooney’s noggin, corner pocket!

SPECIALSOFT PRESENTS: “EVERYBODY WINS” BALL-SHOVE

The object of this game? Shove the ball. It doesn’t matter how far or in what direction. What matters is that everyone is special, and everybody wins. I wouldn’t recommend this game for anyone without certain mental roadblocks. The constant confetti and fanfare everytime the ball is shoved gets old very quickly.

DOUCHEBAG TETRIS

This is no different than classic Tetris, except every time you eliminate a row, the computer sarcastically intones “Nice move, douchebag.”

WTVR

With the recent launch of Air America Radio, we can now choose to listen to inaccurately reported news with a left wing slant as well as inaccurately reported news with a right wing slant. Yippee. Am I the only person who finds Bill O’Reilly and Michael Moore repulsive? Am I the only person who thinks Rush Limbaugh and Al Franken are annoying windbags? Am I the only one who thinks that both Uma Thurman and Janeane Garofolo should be findings ways to invent a time machine so that they can travel back in time and convince themselves not to make “The Truth About Cats And Dogs”? I shouldn’t drag Uma into this. She’s never cornered me in a green room and babbled her political beliefs at me for TWO HOURS. My point is, I have no point. No wait. Yes. There’s a point coming…and here it is. What about a radio network for the rest of us? What about WTVR AM? I call it “Whatever” radio. Reporting news and opinion with neither a lefty or righty perspective, but rather a general, forlorn shrug? WTVR’s mission statement would be: “Humanity has been shitting on itself for the entirety of recorded history, and it shall continue to do so. Nothing anyone does really matters, and eventually we all die. Whatever.”

SQUACK

You’re listening to Squack and the Fuckman, it’s 7:32am and you’re probably heading to work, give us a call and tell us what’s on your mind!

CALLER

Yeah, hey Squack and the Fuckman, firsttime longtime!

THE FUCKMAN

Hoo! Honk honk.

SQUACK

What’s on your mind?

CALLER

I just want to say that I am OUTRAGED!

THE FUCKMAN

Honk.

SQUACK

Outraged at what?

CALLER

Damned if I know.

SQUACK

Yeah, tell me about it.