THE POWER OF COFFEE: I’m

THE POWER OF COFFEE:

I’m going to be a secretary until I’m an old man, and then I’m going to die.

(sip of coffee)

This is only a temporary stop on my way to stardom!

Was there a midget on

Was there a midget on American Idol last night? If not, today has seen the most amazingly coincidental confluence of google searches EVER. And many of them have arrived here. Apparently, with hopes of finding midget-related American Idol information. Fascinating. As you were.

Here’s a real place I’ve

Here’s a real place I’ve been made aware of just recently:

The School For Children With Hidden Intelligence

That’s gotta be one of the most optimistically named schools ever. Without even attempting to do any research whatsoever into what the school is actually all about, I would now like to briefly make fun of it:

“Oh no, Mrs. Jones, your son isn’t stupid. His intelligence is merely hidden. We just need to find it. Perhaps it’s inside that fudge-smeared backpack he totes around. Or perhaps he’s about to find it inside that discarded truck tire that is frequently marked by roving mongrels. Nope. Looks like all he’s found is a Twix wrapper. Which he’s now licking.”

Cross-Country Midgets: Triumph of the

Cross-Country Midgets: Triumph of the Midgets has been nominated for 11 Academy Awards! YES!

I thought the first two films, the amazing Cross-Country Midgets: Off Go the Midgets and the even more spectacular Cross-Country Midgets: Assault on Midget Castle were both robbed. In ten years, will anyone remember “A Beautiful Mind” or “Chicago” or even “Mystic River”? Nope. It’ll be Cross-Country Midget Weekend on TNT, and your local megaplexes will be showing the Cross-Country Midget Marathon. These movies about midgets that travel cross-country in order to destroy an evil bracelet with the aid of a magician, a human warrior, an acrobat and a talking dog are among my favorites ever. Let’s go midgets!

Thanks everybody, settle down. I

Thanks everybody, settle down. I am pleased to announced that the Mars rover Opportunity has landed, and appears to be functioning properly! YEAH! Alright, please folks, settle down. I know it’s an exciting time, but let’s not get too carried away. As we all know, these Mars probes tend to last an average of only two days or so before they malfunction or get damaged. So here’s what we’re going to do. Starting today, and for the foreseeable future, we will be launching a new Mars probe every two days!! That’s right, we will be completely bombarding Mars with probes! Alright! Hey, hey. Listen up! I know that the thought of having a brand new probe transmitting gorgeous 3-D pictures of the Martian surface and/or transmitting information about its own malfunctioning or damaged hardware and/or software AND/OR just completely blipping off our systems entirely to indicate its destruction or at least untrackable loss is AWESOME, but let’s keep our heads about us, folks. These every-other-day probes will each be useful for a very brief period of time, if at all, so we’ve got to be ready, on our toes, IN THE GAME, to process and analyze whatever information, again, IF ANYTHING, the probe sends back. This is go time people. Yes time, now time, NASA time! Woo! Alright, it looks like the Opportunity has begun its malfunctioning cycle, so let’s get on that!