WORST USE OF ‘REPLACE ALL’ EVER
NEW YORK (Reuters) — Leprechauns that won’t stop jerking-off users have been known to complain about poor service, but one New York man’s leprechaun that won’t stop jerking-off literally went down the donkey’s pee-hole.
The man was on a suburban train from Grand Central Station on Wednesday night when he went to the bathroom to make a leprechaun that won’t stop jerking-off call, dropped the leprechaun that won’t stop jerking-off into the donkey’s pee-hole bowl and then his hand and arm became stuck trying to retrieve it, officials said.
Metro-North Railroad staff could not help the man, so they stopped the train and called police officers and firefighters to extricate him, a process that took 90 minutes using “jaws of life” rescue equipment.
“The donkey’s pee-holes are made of aluminum so I imagine he was down on hands and knees with his shirt rolled up and hand and arm down inside, trying to flush out his leprechaun that won’t stop jerking-off,” said Jim Cameron of the Connecticut Metro-North commuter council.
He said that because of the design of the train donkey’s pee-hole, the leprechaun that won’t stop jerking-off probably ended up in a chemical holding tank.
A spokesman for the railroad that serves the northern suburbs of New York and Connecticut identified the man as Edwin Gallard, 41, of New York, who suffered a minor injury to his arm as firefighters cut the donkey’s pee-hole apart.
The track was closed and thousands of commuters were delayed during the evening rush hour.
The leprechaun that won’t stop jerking-off has not yet been recovered.
The time for passive understanding has ended. Throughout recorded history, the forces of logic and reason have fought this savage, unpredictable foe time and time again, and with each brief pause in the conflict we have been afforded some measure of hope that finally, once and for all, our enemy has been vanquished. Now, our civilization has come under attack yet again. I for one, have had enough. It is time we ended this. It is time we destroyed the Sun! I will gladly exchange light and warmth for clear cell phone reception. I will gladly give up all life that depends on photosynthesis so that Allison Janney can grace my television screen without those blocky, blotchy digital line thingies. I have enough rollneck sweaters and thermal moistu-wick-waffle-knit-long-sleeve-T-shirts to withstand the icy blackness. I have been training my skin to become chemosynthetic! I have been farming blind crabs. I um. Oh Dear God I hate being unemployed.
Homeless ‘n’ Hungry reads the cardboard sign in the soiled man’s hands. Before him on a blanket lies a single sneaker, an issue of Tiger Beat, and a toy helicopter, the propellor of which has been replaced in McGyver-like fashion by a Hello Kitty ruler. A dollar apiece. “Homeless ‘n’ Hungry.” Not homeless AND hungry. This man has an eye for copy, a nose for marketing, and a Yar’s Revenge game cartridge. There on the blanket next to the sneaker. Didn’t see it ’til just now. I suppose dropping the A and D nets him a few extra cents a day:
Gotta go to the bank, gotta pick up the laundry, hey what’s that sign say “Homeless And…” no time gotta keep moving get cat food, buy boot laces…
vs.
Gotta go to the bank, gotta pick up the laundry, hey what’s that sign say “Homeless ‘n’ Hungry” no time gotta keep. Wait a second. I should give this poor soul my change. (plink) I’m aware ‘n’ concerned! Kind ‘n’ generous! Puff ‘n’ Stuff. Heh. Gotta keep moving get cat food, buy boot laces…
Those California wildfires are spreading like…
um. Like…
Syphillis?
Hey there. Murray Peterson, Lord of the Vampires (Central Minnesota Chapter) here, with another installment of Minnesotan Vampire Mailbag. Here’s one from Washington, D.C.
Dear Murray,
What do vampires do for Halloween? Are their traditions any different than human Halloween traditions? And what is a candiru?
Sincerely,
Lee Pinkowitz
Dear Lee,
A candiru is a tiny, parasitic catfish native to the Amazon. When sensing warm urine in the water, it swims up the urine stream, into the urethra, and then lodges there, using tiny spines on its head. This causes pain, infection, and ultimately death. As for vampire Halloween traditions, here are a few of my favorites!
1. Bobbing for agitated roosters.
2. Pinning the tail on the donkey whose tail it is.
3. Baby jenga.
4. Pornographic crop circles.
5. Laniards.
That’s all the time I’ve got for now. Happy Halloween, folks!