I’VE HAD THIS PHONE CONVERSATION COUNTLESS TIMES OVER THE PAST WEEK:
Oh hello, my name is Andres and I’m calling from Central Synagogue.
Um. We’re trying to arrange tutoring time for all of the kids whose Bar/Bat Mitzvahs are coming up within the next six months or so, and I was wondering if you wanted to schedule some time for Aaron to come in.
Mmm hmm. Aaron. Ah…
You want to talk Aaron?
Oh okay you’re not –
Eh. Aaron –
You’re not his Mother?
You want his mother?
Can I leave a message for –
Yeah. Yes. Call back and leave message.
Okay, so you want me to [DIAL TONE]
I’m guessing cleaning lady. Why pick up the phone at all? WHY? Grrrr. When I’m a cleaning lady I’ll know well enough to leave the phone alone.
“Hilarilog” is a word I’ve used on stage many times to refer to my little black comedy notebook that I sometimes carry with me. It’s a clever little word that I made up by taking the first half of the word “hilarious” and the second half of the word “peanutlog”.
Incidentally, I also made up the word “peanutlog”, by taking the first half of the word “peanutopia” and the second half of the word “ploplog”.
Peanutopia is one of the few places on this Earth that truly lives up to its name.
Ploplog, however, is yet another of my hilarious (there’s that word again!) made-up words. I constructed it by rearranging the letters in the name of the famous author P.P. Gollo.
If you haven’t read P.P. Gollo’s latest book Rhino Pile, I highly recommend it. Though not quite as suspensful as his 1999 Gaymont Prize Finalist The Edge of Envy, and not quite as funny as his 2001 Schwartz-O’Neill Blue Ribbon recipient Scent of the Senator’s Thumb, I still found Rhino Pile to be one of the most incisive books I’ve ever read about turn-of-the-century skiing.
It’s random shit like this which earned me the White Rose Seltzer Genius Annointment at this year’s Akron Stagetime Allotment Carnival.
Wow. It sure has been a long time since I’ve been THSI druk and attempted to blog, whew.
et’s ee, what about toda. Well, I guess it was good, but I;m not theat craz¥ about my job ,and I don’t feel like I’m getting enough writring done lately,.
My blog is not to good.
Man this was nt a godo aidea.
Ensign! Ensign hey. Hey! Whoah! Slow down! There ya go. Hey howzitgoin’. You’re in an awfully big rush big guy. With your stun pistol drawn and everything! It’s that thing that escaped from the Bio-Sciences Lab, huh? Yeah, well don’t sweat it, someone’ll find it. Anyhoo, I was wondering, just kind of thinking out loud here, if you could take care of a little something for me when you find some time, but really as soon as possible thanks. Okay here’s the dealy-O. Somehow, don’t ask me how but you know typical whoopsydaisy stuff, somehow there’s this evil version of me on the ship now. And he’s really charming and really persuasive and stuff, but believe you me he is evil. Okay, here’s the kicker: he’s been going around telling everyone on the ship that I’m the evil clone, and that he’s ME. Kuh-razy, right? So here’s what I need you to do. If you see another me – but with his hair parted on the left hence evil, I want you to zap him, got it? That’s parted on his left, not your left. It’ll look like your right. But it’s his left. Got it? Cool. Alright, I gotta run. I think your creepy-crawly fella is about to come around the corner here, so good luck with that. And keep an eye out for the evil me. Hey, which way to the…ah forget it. I know the way, of course I do. Okay bye!
Inevitably, a bunch of us comics are all sitting around drunk, and someone will bring someone else up, and then someone else will mention how they heard that that person has a HUGE/TINY penis.
“Hey I heard [NAME OF LOCAL COMIC HERE] has a huge shlong.”
“Hey guess what I heard about [NAME OF DIFFERENT OR MAYBE EVEN THE SAME LOCAL COMIC HERE]? He’s apparently hung like a peanut. Tiny.”
I wonder what people say when my name comes up? Probably not much, seeing as my philandering days are way behind me, and also weren’t that philandery in the first place. Hmm.