Thursday, February 27, 2003
So, they’re already talking about producing a second season of Joe Millionaire. I don’t blame them, considering how successful the first run was, but I have some doubts as to their ability to pull it off. The success of the first season was predicated on the fact that none of the women involved knew that they were being lied to. THIS time, all of the contestants will go into it assuming that they are being lied to in some capacity:
SLIMY TV SHOW PRODUCER
Yeah, we’d like you to be a contestant on the new season of Joe Millionaire.
No thanks. That show was one big lie!
SLIMY TV SHOW PRODUCER
Uh. Yeah, but now we’re gonna call it Joe BILLIONAIRE.
Count me in!
See? It probably wouldn’t play out like that. In my opinion, they need to change the name of the show so that the contestants are kept off-balance. Throw ‘em a bit of a curve. I recommend calling the show something along the lines of Joe Twelve-Inch-Cock-That-Ejaculates-Gold-Coins-And-Fire-Ants. See? It’s not all positive. The women will still assume that they are being lied to, but they won’t be sure which part is the lie. They’ll probably be thinking:
“Okay, I know I’m being lied to in some way. I sure hope it’s the part about the fire ants. If Joe actually has a twelve-inch cock that only ejaculates gold coins, well, then I will have it the jackpot. Pun intended. Even if he only had a four-inch cock, I’ll still be happy. As long as it ejaculates gold coins. If he had a four-incher that only ejaculates fire ants? Well, then I would feel betrayed.”
I can see it now – the interview with the happy couple a week after the show has ended:
Zora, it’s been a week now since the final episode of Joe Twelve-Inch-Cock-That-Ejaculates-Gold-Coins-And-Fire-Ants. In that fateful episode, Joe told you that he chooses you to be his love. And then he divulged his terrible secret – that he does NOT actually have a twelve-inch cock that ejaculates gold coins and fire ants. He merely has a seven-inch cock that ejaculates pennies and Raisinettes. Yet you stuck with him, because you love him for who he is. What have the two of you been up to since?
WHO CARES WHAT HER NAME IS
Well, we’ve been going to the movies a lot, and buying lots of gumbballs and going to park fountains and stuff like that. And this afternoon we’re going to the top of the Empire State Building. Joe wants to test out an urban legend.
The one about how if you drop a penny from the top of the Empire State Building and it hits somebody at street level, it can go through their skull like a bullet?
WHO CARES WHAT HER NAME IS
Yes, that’s the one!
Okay, we’ll be arresting you now.
Don’t worry, honey, I’ll start getting bail together right now! Hyurrrrnk! Hand…me….that…penny…sleeve…
Mmm! These really are Raisinettes!
Oh Good Lord I’ve actually written this.
posted by Andres at 10:38 PM
A few days ago, at around seven in the morning, I absolutely RIPPED a fart while lying in bed. It was incredibly loud and high-pitched. Very zippy, like a lawn mower had just inhaled helium. Anyway, half-a-second after I farted, I heard my roommate’s bedroom door SLAM open, I heard her drousily stumble across the apartment to the front door, and I heard her say “Hello?”
Yes, she was answering the intercom.
posted by Andres at 10:35 PM
I’ve been thinking…would it stop a heckler dead in their tracks if you complimented him or her as a comeback to one of their remarks? For example:
…and I said, “Fuck her, I hardly even know that broad!”
Boo, you suck! You told that joke completely wrong!
Hey pal, I don’t come down to the place where you work and slap the scalpel out of your hand, do I? Doctor?
See? I haven’t had a chance to try it out yet. It sure beats my old strategy of challenging the heckler to a “dandruff-off.”
posted by Andres at 10:30 PM
Aw man. I was totally “beer googling” last night. Beer googling is when you’re so drunk that when you meet someone at a bar, no matter how ugly they are, you totally want to go home…
…and masturbate to a pdf file of their college thesis. YEAH! HOO BOY!
You can find this joke and many others in my new book, 1001 PDF File Jokes.
posted by Andres at 10:20 PM
Hey gang. Here’s another oldy but goody. Initially Mike and I performed it, but as you can tell from this edit, it was adapted so that a man and a woman could play off of each other. Jonny Fido and Jen Sprague did a great job as Thomas Drake and Courtney Michelle Hewitt. Basically, you’ll find this sketch much funnier (or more disturbing) if you’ve ever been in an acting class that focuses on the Meisner Technique.
I Really Like The Shirt You’re Wearing!
by Andres du Bouchet & Michael Reisman
Thomas Drake and Courtney Michelle Hewitt enter, do a brief, ceremonial warm-up, and stand facing each other.
I really like the shirt you’re wearing.
You really like the shirt I’m wearing?
Yes, I really like the shirt you’re wearing!
I’m glad you really like the shirt I’m wearing.
They turn to face the audience.
Hi, I’m Courtney Michelle Hewitt.
And I’m Thomas Drake.
And I’m Courtney Michelle Hewitt. What you’ve just witnessed is a demonstration of a new acting technique that we’ve developed.
A technique that is sure to establish itself as the pre-eminent acting technique the world over.
Our acting technique is based on one core principle. Complimenting another person on their shirt.
We’ve learned that by simply trading compliments about each others’ shirts, two actors can bring a scene to a rich, full, emotional life.
Now how did we come up with this system? Thomas and I were enrolled in a very prominent and well respected two-year acting program here in New York City. Though we did not finish our first year of training…
Actually, we didn’t finish the first week of training. Which was only two classes.
And we never returned from the break in the second class. But from those one and a half classes, we have extrapolated what we think is a far superior technique to what we imagine the rest of their program is probably like.
Now, in that first class, the first exercise was for each of us to get a partner, face that partner, and make a simple observation about the other person.
Fortuitously, Thomas and I were paired as partners. To this day I still remember…do you remember what you said to me during that exercise?
Yes I do. I said “I really like the shirt you’re wearing.” And do you remember what you said to me after that exercise?
Yes I do. I said “Let’s quit this class before we have to pay for this class.”
After all, we had already learned a valuable lesson, which no amount of money could buy.
That lesson was clear. If you like the shirt I’m wearing, there’s nothing I can’t do.
Now wait a second, Courtney Michelle Hewitt, I know what this audience is thinking. They’re thinking – “certainly acting requires more preparation than simply complimenting another person on their shirt!”
You would think so, Thomas Drake, wouldn’t you? But watch…and learn.
They face each other again.
I really like the shirt you’re wearing.
You really like the shirt I’m wearing?
Yes, I really like the shirt you’re wearing.
I’m glad you really like the shirt I’m wearing.
I’m not convinced that you’re glad that I really like the shirt you’re wearing.
(crying) Why don’t you trust me?
(crying) It’s because I’m so insecure…I’m sorry. I’m so very, very sorry!
They embrace, clutching each other’s shirts and sobbing.
(feeling the fabric of Courtney’s shirt) Is this 100% cotton?
Yes. It’s from Express.
I really like it.
You do? Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
They begin to kiss.
(breaking away from the tonsil tango) And scene.
They turn to face the audience.
Do you see how complimenting each other’s shirts really helped to unlock the emotions stored within us?
You see, all of us carry around a lot of emotions inside of us.
Inside our shirts.
Yes, I like that. Inside our shirts. Now if what you’ve seen here has piqued your interest, perhaps one of you would like to come up here and try the technique for yourself?
If we could just have a volunteer from the audience…
Thomas does what he has to do to wrangle a volunteer from the audience.
Okay, what’s your name? Well, (name), you’re going to be working in this exercise with Courtney. I want you to stand right here, facing her…okay, make sure you make eye contact, and work moment to moment.
Thomas will coach the volunteer constantly in a loud manner. As soon as the volunteer talks:
I can’t work with this.
Okay, (name), I understand you’re nervous, etc.
The exercise continues until Courtney flips out angrily. Thomas gets between them to prevent any injury to the volunteer.
Scene! Scene! Scene! Let’s have a big hand for (name)!
Volunteer returns to audience.
There was a lot of good work there.
It felt good, even though (name) wasn’t giving me too much to work with.
I know. (to audience) But do you see how by simply complimenting Courtney’s shirt, (name) was able to unlock some serious emotional energy?
Now if what you’ve seen here has piqued your interest, perhaps you’d be interested in enrolling in our acting school. To find out more about our program, log onto www dot irealliliketheshirtyou’rewearing dot edu.
Courtney and I will be hanging out after the show if you have any more questions, or if you just want to take a closer look at our shirts.
Remember, if you like the shirt I’m wearing…
There’s nothing I can’t do! Good night!
posted by Andres at 10:04 PM
Friday, February 21, 2003
“Dammit, Superman! If only your super vision included a super sense of composition and lighting! These pictures are crap!”
A couple of days ago, CNN.com ran the following opinion poll:
Space exploration should rely on:
About 80% of those who responded chose C, which I heartily agreed with, and another 10% chose each of A & B. Okay, so a vast majority of those who participated in the poll were of the opinion that space exploration should rely on both man and machine, which makes perfect sense. Space travel is a tricky business, as was all too clearly and tragically demonstrated by the recent Columbia disaster, so only through a combination of human ingenuity and machine precision should we attempt it. Still, according to 10% of those polled, space travel is such a dangerous endeavor that we should only use machines – robots and computers are more precise than humans anyway, and if we lose one due to accident or malfunction, it is simply an issue of hardware and not of human life. Definitely a defensible argument. My problem lies with the 10% who chose A. In their opinion, space exploration should rely on man alone, with NO HELP FROM MACHINES. These people are either as stupid as the person who wrote the poll, or they are privy to some knowledge about Clark Kent’s true identity that I am not. Seriously, is choosing A any different than saying “Let’s send SUPERMAN into space! We’ll just give him a camera and tell him to take pictures and collect samples and stuff! SUPERMAN YAY!”
This would explain some of CNN.com’s earlier polls, such as this one:
If your girlfriend becomes buried in her car during an earthquake, you should:
A. Call 911.
B. Scream for help and start digging.
C. Repeatedly fly around the Earth in the opposite direction of its natural rotation until it begins rotating backwards and time reverses. Make sure to stop before your girlfriend is underage!
Hey, take a look at the third choice! It’s a good thing R. Kelly doesn’t have Superman’s powers, right? HAHAHAHAHA!
Whew. I’m ready for the weekend.
posted by Andres at 12:46 PM
Thursday, February 20, 2003
Okay, please allow me to indulge my paranoid side for a second here. Is it possible, just possible, that this color-coded “Terror Threat Level” system is being used not so much to protect us, but to control us? Heh heh, I told you this was going to sound paranoid, so bear with me. It’s an interesting exercise in taking a bit of cynicism and extrapolating it into a wild, paranoid delusion:
The stated goal of the color-coded system is to inform American citizens of the degree of “lookoutiness” with which they need to approach their everyday lives. But there really aren’t any practical things we can do to adjust our behavior according to the threat level, so all it really does is make us anxious and scared. I think that’s what the government wants. If they can keep us anxious, keep us scared, keep us frightened, we’ll be much more likely to support whatever policies they propose:
We’re at code Orange, look out! CODE ORANGE!
Pretty scary, huh?
I can’t stop staring at backpacks!
Shh. It’ll be okay. I promise the scariness will go away once we do this…
And this to them…
Okay, whatever you need to do. I don’t know any of them personally, so fuck ‘em.
And also we’ll need unfettered access to this and these…
Huh. Okay, that’s a little creepy, and I may regret it later, but sure, go ahead, whatever you need to do to keep us safe!
Alright cool. I guess we’re back to a BLUISH-GREEN then. Thanks, we’ll be in touch. DID YOU HEAR THAT?
It was probably nothing. Seeya.
And so forth. It seems to me that the color system is a pretty effective management tool. When it was announced that hundreds of thousands of protestors were going to be rallying in opposition to war last weekend, what did Bush say?
“Democracy is a beautiful thing. I support the rights of all Americans to gather and express themselves in a public forum in a peaceful and organized manner, whatever their opinion. Keeping in mind that we are now under an ORANGE ALERT, and that large public gatherings would undoubtedly be targetted for attack by terrorists. Heck, why let ‘em play Tee-ball when you can throw ‘em the heat? I just don’t get it. Well, if the American people wanna let the terrorists play Tee-ball, go ahead, gather in great big peaceful groups. It’s your right as Americans in these decidedly ORANGE times. Did you hear that? Probably nothing.”
It’s not a real quote. I made it up to suit my paranoid fantasy. How many people ended up marching? ELEVEN. Check the statistics, I made them up myself. The threat alert system could prove to be such an effective management tool that the current administration would conceivably employ it during the 2004 election. Imagine it, one of those big U.S. maps on television with each state a different color according to the current threat level for that state. As the voting results begin to pour in, the administration would simply adjust the terror level for that state:
Okay folks, we’re back from commercial and we’re in front of the map and boy oh boy their has been a lot of activity. Let’s break it down by voting district and you can see the map looks like someone spilled skittles all over it.
I love those.
Yes, well, as you can see here, the country is a nice bluish-green in the middle and it gets progressively hotter or more terror-likely near the perimeters and major cities. Every time the Democrats get ahead in a particular region, the terror threat level for that region spikes back up and voter turnout declines dramatically. They just can’t catch a break. New York looks like it’s going to pop right off the map. I don’t think our computer has a red that is red enough for the alert they’ve issued there.
Now how are the terrorists able to keep so on top of things?
I don’t know, it’s scary isn’t it? They’re THAT crafty. Let’s just thank our lucky stars-and-stripes that our government is able to track their activity and update the terror threat levels accordingly. The government is recommending that in the areas with highest threat levels, only gun owners leave their homes to vote. If you don’t own a gun, it’s recommended that you go to your polling location with a gun owner, and let the gun owner vote for you. After the gun owner has voted themselves, of course.
Of course. Here’s a thought, do you think the government could just be doing it to influence the voting?
Hmm, what and odd theory. I hadn’t -
THIS JUST IN, BOB! The terror threat level for this studio has just been upgraded to RED! We’d better lay low. Let’s go to commercial.
If I possessed the knowledge of how elections and election broadcasts are actually run, I’d be better able to write a witty sketch with this premise as a starting point. But you get the idea. Or not, if I’ve done a really crappy job.
Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if they started to assign personal terrorist threat levels to each of us based on our party affiliation. For each election, all registered voters will received a letter in the mail telling them their party affiliation, polling place, and what threat level has been assigned to them personally.I should point out that I come up with most of my crackpot theories right after I’ve had my second or third Sudafed Latte of the afternoon. TERMITES!
posted by Andres at 12:41 PM
Yesterday a co-worker at my current temp job said the following: “Oh, you’re a comic? So are you Bill Cosby funny or Richard Pryor funny?” Those were my two choices. I thought long and hard about it, and I realized that my comedy has been more influenced by Cosby and Pryor than I had previously thought. It had never before occurred to me to question why so many of my stories are from the point of view of an African-American Obstetrician with a terrible freebase addiction. I gave her a brief synposis of my “Daddy let’s us eat chocolate cake for breakfast while he runs down the street on fire” bit, but she didn’t get it. Apparently, she was just wondering about how often I curse on stage. She informed me that as a churchgoer, she couldn’t stand listening to a performer who uses foul language. Even, apparently, as was the case with Pryor, if the performer is a GROUNDBREAKING GENIUS. Not to take anything away from Cosby, of course, who also deserves to be on the Mount Rushmore of stand-up comics. I just find it lazy to dismiss an entire extremely important and influential artist’s life’s work because of his propensity to curse or talk about “dirty” subject matter. It’s just lazy and dumb and lazy and makes me angry and all religion is stupid and she’s a very nice co-worker. Ahem. Anyway, I ended the conversation quickly and politely, without making reference to my “My Penis” bit, or my “Rod Pornocopter” bit, or my sketch about a pill that turns your shit into fudge, or my…
posted by Andres at 10:16 AM
Monday, February 17, 2003
In these uncertain, dangerous and complicated times, I think it’s important that we periodically take a moment to collect our thoughts and reflect on what it means to be human. These links will go a long way towards helping you achieve that:
Italian porn-star Rocco Siffredi repeatedly trying to recite the entire McDonald’s Big Mac jingle without ejaculating.
Italian porn-star Rocco Siffredi repeatedly attempting to sing the entire Oscar Mayer Bologna song. Without ejaculating.
Needless to say, he doesn’t quite succeed. Yes, both sound clips are just me, with the aid of sound-wizard Eric Willhelm. ENJOY!
posted by Andres at 1:33 PM
Sunday, February 16, 2003
I think they’re going about this whole Terror Threat Level thing all wrong. Instead of using a color-coded system, they should use a system based on swarthiness. In other words, the amount of suspicion with which we would be advised to stare at a person would be based on the amount of facial hair they had. For example, during an ALL CLEAR period, we would only be advised to stare suspiciously at someone with a big, full, Arabesque beard. During a MODERATE alert period, we would be advised to stare angrily and suspiciously at someone with a minimum of a neatly trimmed beard. During a HIGH alert, such as the one we are in right now, we would be strongly advised to stare with patriotic anger and defiant suspicion at someone even if they only had a five-o’-clock shadow. I’ve been shaving a lot lately.
posted by Andres at 12:45 PM
In preparation for tomorrow’s huge snowstorm, I’m spending today sharpening my axe and pruning my hedge maze.
posted by Andres at 12:38 PM
So, I went to the peace rally today. What a sausage-fest. Seriously, guys everywhere. Grilling sausage. Selling sausage from carts, walking around selling sausage, giving lectures and handing out pamphlets regarding the history of sausages and sausage-making…
…you know something? I think I may have been at a genuine sausage festival. Maybe Mulberry Street wasn’t the right place to start marching. Oh well. I’m still against invading Iraq, but I am 100% in favor of invading my mouth with delicious Italian sausage!
Speaking of delicious Italian sausage, I bought a Rocco Siffredi movie on DVD yesterday. Now here’s the thing that bugs me about the way they wrap-up porn purchases when you check out of your local Pornograteria: they wrap it tightly in a plain brown paper bag, so that the shape of the VHS or DVD box is unmistakable. When people see you with it, they know that there’s only ONE THING that is wrapped that way – porn. In their strange attempt at providing you some privacy, the pornshop cashier has actually provided a red flag. It’s this same thing when you see people walking down the street drinking something out of a brown paper bag. You don’t think “Hmm, what can that be?” You know right away that it’s an alcoholic beverage of some kind. Which is why I’ve thought of a great new way to wrap porn purchases. I think that when you buy a porn VHS or DVD, they should wrap it in a HUGE pink box with white ribbon and a giant white or baby blue bow on top. Maybe even have a few helium-filled balloons tied to the top of the box that say “Congratulations!” on them. That way, when someone sees you walking down the street, they see the shame on your face and see the box and think “Poor sap got suckered into going to a baby shower.” But the SHAME on your face is really with regards to the PORN in the box! Voila! That way, you don’t have to do any acting. As you head home to masturbate. With the porn.
That’s in the giant pink box.
Full of shame.
posted by Andres at 4:03 AM
Hey folks, how was everybody’s Valentine’s Day? Mine was great. Rebecca and I drank some nice white wine, ate some nifty cheese fondue, and watched The Fellowship Of The Ring Special Edition with the cast commentary running. The combination of an inordinately high intake of melted cheese and wine plus Tolkien made us kinda nauseous and we had to hit the sack before any smackative whackative ejaculative acitivities could take place. Today was no different, as we finished our meal with chocolate fondue, which again sent us into a tailspin of nausuea. And then I went and performed.
You know who probably didn’t have a very good Valentine’s Day? Scott Peterson. It must have been tough for him to have to pretend he was sad about his “missing” wife for the whole day. I don’t trust that guy’s story. He leaves for a solo fishing trip on Christmas Eve and then comes back to find that his wife, Laci Peterson, is gone? Here’s why I don’t buy it:
1. It was later revealed that he had been having an affair behind his wife’s back.
2. He took out a large insurance policy on his wife just weeks earlier.
3. He had submitted his wife’s obituary to the local paper TWO MONTHS before her disappearance.
4. Two days before her disappearance, he got new vanity plates for his car that said BACHLR4EVR*.
5. He posted the following message on craigslist.org in their “Missed Connections” section:
YOU – wearing a pink bikini, sunbathing on the dock on Christmas Eve Day
ME – dumping a large, lumpy tarp-wrapped object into the lake from my fishing boat -
I thought we made eye contact. Respond to this message if you enjoy media circuses!
Let’s hope he doesn’t try the whole “Dead Zone” defense once this undoubtedly goes to trial:
“Your honor, I had to kill my wife and child because one time when I put my ear to her belly I had a vision of our baby boy growing up to be the next Hitler.”
It’s such a cliche to use that defense. At least it’s not as embarrassing as the “Terminator” defense:
“Your honor, I had to kill my wife and unborn son because I AM FROM THE FUTURE! THE BABY WOULD HAVE GROWN UP TO LEAD A REVOLUTION AGAINST THE MACHINES!”
(he begins to try to peel his face off in the traditional Mission Impossible motion)
The judge looks at him angrily and says “Mr. Peterson, are you trying to convince this court that you are a robot from the future? Stop it.”
“LONG LIVE THE ROBOTS. OW. OW.”
“Mr. Peterson, your face is not removeable! Order in the court!”
That would be embarrassing.
*Yes, I know this is too many characters for a license plate. Scott lobbied his local DMV and Congressman for TWO YEARS so that he could get this plate. I’m surprised his wife never grew suspicious.
posted by Andres at 3:57 AM
Saturday, February 15, 2003
Let’s face it. The Israelis and Palestinians are never going to find peace until both sides accept…
…Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. WOO!
posted by Andres at 6:19 PM
Thursday, February 13, 2003
In this day and age of ceaseless sword-rattling, of perpetual conflict, of rampant hatred and unrest, of all-in-all impending DOOM, I have been spending a lot of time “looking inward” and contemplating potential paths to peace. Though to the casual observor, my sessions of deep, deep contemplation may seem like nothing more than a grown man softly weeping while lying in the fetal position in the backseat of a windowless 1988 Honda Civic (many thanks to Joey Gino, owner and manager of Gino’s Autoyard, for indulging me and for providing blankets), to me they are profoundly provoking, rich with epiphany. And now, these countless (Joey Gino has actually kept a log, but to me they are countless) sessions have finally delivered unto me a perfect, glorious solution. I now know the key to peace.
Earth needs to be invaded by aliens.
HEAR ME OUT! Only through conflict with an “other” will humanity finally be able to band together as one, unified species. Only after coming face-to-bulb with a ferocious alien warrior that resembles a giant upside-down tulip will humans finally see how similar they are to each other! So what if my skin is lighter than yours? So what if my religion frowns upon the consumption of different meats than yours? At least neither of us has a serrated beak. Whoah, but THAT thing does! Help me fend it off, brother!
Imagine a coalition of North African Muslims and Italian Catholics banding together with a rag tag band of Norwegian Atheist rebels to launch an assault against the K’lurvian amino-gel processing plant! You know, the plant that the K’lurvian Hive Master built on the island of Cyprus to process all of the human captives from the Mediterranean sector into gel cubes for consumption by K’lurvian Homonculi Drones? That’s the one I’m talking about!
Imagine a Hindu and a Jew back-to-back, fighting off a quartet of K’lurvian Absorption Pods!
“Sanjiv, you take the two on the left! Lumpy and Donut-face here are all mine.”
“Roger that, Josh!”
Imagine a Buddhist screaming in agony as a K’lurvian Mind Wrencher begins its nefarious psychic assault, and then suddenly WHAM! The Mind Wrencher’s left tentacle is GONE! Its howl of pain is cut short as its octagonal torso is pierced by a shaft of scrap metal. “Take that you octopus freak. Courtesy of Armenians From Ohio In The Name Of Zeus. Are you all right, Chen? C’mon, you can buy me a pint of contraband Chilean lager.”
The cool thing is, the piece of scrap metal is from the Eiffel Tower! Poetic justice!
There. I think I have quite clearly and eloquently made my point. If presented with a common threat, humanity will surely band together. Of course, we’d be trading culturally and religiously spawned war and strife for species originated war and strife, and the Earth would probably be a smoldering wasteland, but at least we’d all be getting along.
In conclusion, I can’t believe Frenchie got booted off American Idol, and I think that Peterson fella killed his wife and dumped her in a lake.
posted by Andres at 10:46 AM
Feel my PLUG! Here are my remaining February spots:
Thursday, February 13th @ 8pm
MC Robert Cohen
356.5 West 40th St. between Eighth and Ninth
Saturday, February 15th @ 10pm
10:17 Comedy Night
The Gershwin Hotel
7 East 27th St. between 5th and Madison
Tuesday, February 18th @ 8pm
Via Della Pace
48 East 7th between First & Second Ave.
one drink min
Saturday, February 22nd @ 9pm
The Brooklyn Brew-Ha-Ha
Boudoir Bar @ East End Ensemble
273 Smith Street between Sackett & Degraw…IN BROOKLYN!
$5 + 1 drink
Monday, February 24th @ 8pm
Eating It – HOSTING
171 Ludlow St. between Houston & Stanton
$7 gains you admission and a drink
Tuesday, February 25th @ 8pm
Ars Nova Theater
511 West 54th Street
Friday, February 28th @ 10:30pm – oops, I can’t do this one, I’ll be moving due to EVICTION! YEAH!
Chicago City Limits
1105 First Ave. at 61st St.
posted by Andres at 1:07 AM
Wednesday, February 12, 2003
I’d like to start a new social catchphrase:
“Pulling a Jenga”
Here’s how it works. Whenever a party or other social gathering that seems to be going along quite well suddenly disperses as a result of one person’s departure causing a chain reaction of departures, the first person to decide to leave at the start of said chain reaction has “Pulled a Jenga.” For just like in the popular game, the removal of one small piece has resulted in the entire thing toppling.
I’m not explaining myself very well. Perhaps a playlet:
A small group of friends have been eating, drinking, and generally having a fun time at Bill’s apartment. At around midnight, Bill offers to grab more drinks from the fridge.
Alright, who needs another drink? Paul? Jill? You good Jim? Sally you need a drink?
What time is it?
It’s almost midnight.
I’d be up for another drink. C’mon, the night is young!
Midnight schmidnight, have a drink.
Yeah, I’d love to but -
Yeah! There we go! Whaddya need, Jill? A Corona?
No, no, I’m sorry, I should really go. I’ve got to get up early tomorrow for a meeting in Philly, I’ve got a lot of notes to review…I’m going home. Sorry guys.
Whoah. Hey, no problem party pooper. Thanks for dropping by, Jill. Okay, what about you guys? Need a drink?
Jill starts gathering her coat, her bag, etc.
I…guess I should be good and get some rest too. Ah, I hate to do this but I think I’m headed home too guys. Thanks for the spuds and suds, Bill.*
Paul gets up and starts putting on his coat.
Yeah, I guess we’re not as young as we used to be, huh? I should get some sleep too.
Sally and Jim both also get up and start getting ready to leave. Suddenly, the party is over, just seconds after at least three of them had actually wanted to continue drinking. It looks like Jill totally “Pulled a Jenga” on Bill’s party.
(chuckling) Wow, it looks like Jill totally “Pulled a Jenga” on your party, Bill.
The rest of them stare at Bill. Whereas “Pulling a Jenga” is a cool social catchphrase, “Yahtzee” is just a weird non-sequitur.
So what do you think?
*I guess they were eating potato chips and drinking beer all night. Weird.
posted by Andres at 12:40 PM
Back when I was in the Commando Gigolos, you could drop me in the wilderness with nothing but a bottle of Dom Perignon and a twelve pack of condoms, and in just two weeks…
…you’d find me dead with a blood alcohol-level through the roof clutching a balloon animal! WHO’S WITH ME?!?! WOO!
posted by Andres at 12:30 PM
I think that Ferocious P. would be a great name for a rapper.
posted by Andres at 12:25 PM
It’s too bad Houston Street doesn’t run North/South. Then you could live in a neighborhood called WOHO!
posted by Andres at 12:19 PM
Tuesday, February 11, 2003
It’s that time of the year again, when a few of the better Hollywood movies receive accolades based on their merit and/or (mostly or) enormous publicity budgets. Yes, the Oscar Nominations were announced today! So let’s start our Oscar prognosticating!
But first, what’s with this whole Israel/Palestine situation? Seriously. I am torn between my support for Israel, the only democracy in the Middle-East, and my concern for the Palestinians, a fugitive population that is being manipulated by both their own criminal leaders and other fundamentalist regimes in the region in order to create a permanent impasse to peace. Do I think the Palestinians are being treated too harshly by Israel? Yes. Do I think Israel has a right to defend itself from suicide bombers? Yup. Do I think suicide bombings would cease if Israel pulled out of Gaza and the West Bank? Nope. But do I think the Palestinians deserve a better situation? Yep. Now, before I continue my philosophizing, I should point out that my knowledge about the conflict is that of a layman, a casual observer of the news. A typical American dope. Now, here’s how I see it: it’s a chicken/egg dilemma. An unwavering supporter of the Israelis would say that the Palestinians have brought their current situation upon themselves. By necessity, Israel must maintain a tight grip on Gaza and the West Bank in order to protect itself from acts of terrorism such as suicide bombings. It must impose police rule on those areas to protect the Israeli people. Hence, the chicken of oppression has been hatched from the egg of terrorism. A stalwart advocate of the Palestinians would argue that Israel invites acts of terrorism by their treatment of the Palestinians. Hence, the chicken of oppression has laid the egg of terrorism. Now, I don’t think full-fledged peace is really possible in the region. You’ve got one democractic country that is surrounded by several fundamentalist theocracies and dictatorships that will simply never acknowledge Israel’s right to exist. Peace won’t happen. Occasional acts of terrorism will be a constant. But I think it is possible to bring a much higher level of stability to the region. And in order for that to happen, the first step should be for people with extremely limited knowledge about the situation to shut up and talk about THIS YEAR’S OSCAR NOMINATIONS! So here’s my in-depth analysis!
Let’s start with the BEST ACTOR category:
Adrien Brody in THE PIANIST – I didn’t see this.
Nicolas Cage in ADAPTATION – I thought Cage did a great job in a quirky double-role. The film itself was disappointing.
Michael Caine in THE QUIET AMERICAN – I didn’t see this.
Daniel Day-Lewis in GANGS OF NEW YORK – My pick. Day-Lewis was phenomenal. The film itself was disappointing.
Jack Nicholson in ABOUT SCHMIDT – I didn’t see this.