January 2003
Friday, January 31, 2003
Ensign! Yeah, howzitgoin. Okay. Are you working on anything important right now? You have a bit of time to spare? Great. I was wondering if you could do me a favor. Yeah. See that? There on the ground? Seems like there’s some sort of “goo trail” starting in the bio-sciences lab and leading off into the shadowy recesses of the ship. The “bowels” of the vessel, if you will. Mostly catwalks and dangling chains down there with the occasional steam vent no biggee. Yeah, anyway, I was wondering if you could take this flashlight and this stun pistol and just sort of see where that “goo trail” leads and maybe kinda find out what’s making it. Sound good? Great. Huh? Nah, I doubt you’ll need the pistol, but you never know. Thanks ensign. Oh hey, one more thing. If you run into Clark, Meluskey or Choi, tell ‘em to report back to their posts. They’ve been gone a while. Oh wait, check that. Just Clark or Choi. Meluskey’s at the med station with that thing on his face. Okay cool. Hey, no need to salute. Good luck.
posted by Andres at 11:11 AM
I wonder if Bruce Banner’s girlfriend is always trying to piss him off during sex.
posted by Andres at 9:44 AM
Thursday, January 30, 2003
My personal debt is so massive as to be abstract. Like a moron, I allowed it to grow and fester unchecked, and now the amount of money that I owe to credit cards and banks has become so ridiculously huge that even the required minimum monthly payments are prohibitively large. Basically, if I want to pay my rent, insurance and utility bills every month…I need to ignore my debt. Simple enough. It’s easy to ignore numbers printed on paper. It’s also easy to ignore polite reminder letters. And more stern reminder letters. And angry warning letters. And phone calls and voicemails. After a while, the act of tossing unread mail or deleting a voicemail without listening to it becomes second nature. In fact, for many months now I have enjoyed a peace of mind and a level of creative productivity that I’ve never experienced before here in NYC. The End!
Not by a long shot. As with all things, every action (or lack thereof) has a reaction. Apparently, credit card companies don’t just keeping prodding you gently with letters and voicemails until, one distant day, you’ve “made it big” and can pay them back. Nope. They get impatient, and make your debt someone else’s problem. In this case, the reaction of one of my lenders (I will protect their identity by using an abbrevation: AMEX) has been to pass a fairly sizeable chunk of my debt along to a little something called a DEBT COLLECTION AGENCY. Amex is actually notorious for being the least patient of credit card companies. They will go from “You’ve been preapproved!” to “Hey fucko do you like being able to walk?!?” in no time flat. In my self-imposed haze of denial, I forgot this crucial point. And now I have the pleasure of dealing with GC Collection Services, who kicked things into action by harrassing my parents.
The one thing I hate more than anything else is when my personal problems start to affect other people. I know full well I’ve conducted my life in an irresponsible (and brilliantly hilarious) manner, and I’m always willing to accept the consequences of my own stupidity, but I start to feel very guilty when others get dragged into my messes. Feigning as if they thought my father was me (same name – but obviously different social security numbers you vulture scumbags!) they tried to milk him for the dough. Needless to say, he rebuffed them and then called me very concerned. I’m sure this was the effect they were trying for – stirring things up by getting my family involved. As a side note, they also harrassed my girlfriend if you can fucking believe it, calling her bright and early one morning claiming that I had given them her # as a place to reach me. Nope. All I’d stupidly done is call them from her apartment once. They captured her # on caller ID and then pretended I had voluntarily listed it with them. They literally told her “well, this is the number he listed with us.” Again, trying to pressure me by making those close to me feel as if they are somehow getting dragged into my mess. In effect, trying to turn my own loved ones against me. Or perhaps hoping to play on their concern for me so that they will pony up the money. Ain’t gonna work. It’s my problem and mine alone.
So anyway, I felt like I had no choice but to engage them in a dialogue if for no other reason than to get them to stop bugging the people I care about. Let me start by saying that in retrospect, these conversations were hilarious. On the one hand we have an antagonist who is convinced that I am a scumbag with plenty of money that I am simply choosing to withhold, and who is willing to lie and harrass in order to collect it, and on the other hand we have me: a broke, unemployed NYC comedian who loves puppies and democracy. What? OF COURSE this is all very one-sided! The collection agency can post their side of the story on their own loveably funny blog. I suspect they have a limited number of things they are allowed to say by law, because the resulting phone conversations don’t resemble actual conversations so much as angry word salads. Here are some heavily biased, edited, altered and editorialized samples. Snippets, if you will. For a fun challenge, try to pick the one that is almost 100% verbatim (to the best of my memory):
Snippet #1
WOMAN WHO HATES HERSELF
Well. It’s been three days. What have you done?
OUR HERO
Um.
WOMAN WHO HATES HERSELF
You were supposed to borrow the money from your family!
OUR HERO
I told you this is my problem. I’m not borrowing from anyone.
WOMAN WHO HATES HERSELF
Oh but it’s okay to borrow from my client?
OUR HERO
I’m broke. If I had the money I’d -
WOMAN WHO HATES HERSELF
They are taking steps against you sir!
OUR HERO
What steps?
WOMAN WHO HATES HERSELF
Steps!
OUR HERO
Well I’m broke. When I have money I’ll -
WOMAN WHO HATES HERSELF
Steps are being taken!
OUR HERO
Can you define “steps” for me please I -
WOMAN WHO HATES HERSELF
You know you’re in over your head sir!
OUR HERO
Sure I guess you could -
WOMAN WHO HATES HERSELF
They are taking steps against you sir, didn’t you read your contract?!
OUR HERO
I’m broke.
WOMAN WHO HATES HERSELF
The balance is due in full!
OUR HERO
Oh okay. Hold on a sec…(pause) okay I’m still broke.
WOMAN WHO HATES HERSELF
Steps! Youhaveuntilnoontomorrowtopaythebalanceinfull. (she hangs up)
Snippet #2
MAN WHO RESENTS THE WORLD
Do you want to handle this voluntarily or do we need to take it to the next level?
OUR HERO
Well I’d like to handle it voluntarily but -
MAN WHO RESENTS THE WORLD
Great let’s get your Dad on the phone.
OUR HERO
No I’m not involving anyone else this is my -
MAN WHO RESENTS THE WORLD
I say again are we going to handle this voluntarily or do we need to take it to the next level?
OUR HERO
You haven’t defined either of those choices. What do you mean by “take it to the next -”
MAN WHO RESENTS THE WORLD
DID YOU EVEN READ YOUR CONTRACT?!?! (seriously shouting angrily, like he’s personally offended by my situation)
OUR HERO
Um.
MAN WHO RESENTS THE WORLD
YOU’RE IN OVER YOUR HEAD, YOU KNOW THAT SIR!!!
OUR HERO
Well yes I suppose -
MAN WHO RESENTS THE WORLD
Do we need to take this to the next level?
OUR HERO
(chuckling) What do you mean by “next level”, you haven’t -
MAN WHO RESENTS THE WORLD
I’m glad you find this so funny Mr. du Bouchet!
OUR HERO
I’m laughing at your tone! This is ridic -
MAN WHO RESENTS THE WORLD
I MASTURBATE TO WAR FOOTAGE! Youhaveuntilnoontomorrowtopaythebalanceinfull. (he hangs up)
Snippet #3
OUR HERO
Yes, I was just hung up on before. Some guy was yelling at me.
WOMAN WHO HATES HERSELF
Oh he wasn’t yelling at you he just has a stern tone.
OUR HERO
Well I suppose he’s probably trained to use that tone in order to get results no big deal. Anyway, I -
WOMAN WHO HATES HERSELF
Oh no he’s not trained to speak in any particular way, he just takes his job seriously. This is a very serious matter.
OUR HERO
Well yes. And I’m sure you’re trained to say that as well. Whatever. I’m -
WOMAN WHO HATES HERSELF
EXCUSE ME! I AM OFFENDED SIR! I AM NOT TRAINED! I AM NOT A MONKEY!
OUR HERO
Oh listen I’m sorr
WOMAN WHO HATES HERSELF
EXCUSE ME! I AM SPEAKING HERE! I AM SPEAKING HERE! I AM NOT A MONKEY! Youhaveuntilnoontomorrowtopaythebalanceinfull. (she hangs up)
The monkey one is the most accurate one, believe it or not, but they all capture the general flavor. I don’t actually recall the one guy ever saying he liked to masturbate to war footage. But basically it’s the same conversation every time.They demand the balance in full. I tell them gee I’m broke. Which I am. They then tell me steps are being taken or that it’s going to go to the next level, but they REFUSE to define what either of those things mean, they just keep repeating them. Then they give me some apparently meaningless deadline, because each time they call the missed deadline seems to hold no weight – it’s like they’re calling for the first time again. Anyway, it should be interesting to find out what “steps against me” entails. There’s no such thing as debtor’s prison, right?
So how, you ask, am I going to deal with this now?
Let’s just say that ignorance is bliss.
posted by Andres at 9:23 AM
Saturday, January 25, 2003
It is time. Too long have I neglected this blog. Too far has my gaze strayed from this text-based sanctuary. Now, like an osprey to its driftwood-crowned pinnacle of sea-piercing rock, I have returned! Secure in my creative eyrie.
And apparently, I now write like I fart: using too many compound adjectives!
(one time I farted Lewis Carroll’s Jabberwocky in its entirety:
SCENE: The bedroom
ME
I don’t feel so good.
MY GIRLFRIEND
Maybe dinner isn’t agreeing with you. Get up and take some alka-seltzer.
MY ASS
‘Twas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe…
MY GIRLFRIEND
Ah! What was that sound?
ME
Ooh. Ah.
MY ASS
All mimsy were the borogoves and the mome raths outgrabe…
MY GIRLFRIEND
There it is agai- Aigh! WHAT’S THAT SMELL?!?
ME
Oooooh. I’m starting to feel much better.
MY ASS
Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!”
He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought–
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.
And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!
One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.
“And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arm, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!”
He chortled in his joy.
‘Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe
MY GIRLFRIEND
(cough, gasp, cough)
ME
(snoring)
MY ASS
And now, the entirety of The Silmarillion…)
Anyway, not counting yesterday’s decidedly whiney and unprofessional rant (which was basically an e-mail cut, pasted and posted), I have been pretty lazy about posting stuff of late. I have a hard time concentrating on being creative when things aren’t stable with the rest of my life, and right now things are pretty wacky. I alluded to them at the beginning of the last post, but at the risk of being too self-indulgent I will spare you all the details. I’ll just let my current situation “inform” my writing, like any good artist. Hence, I bring you my next post…
posted by Andres at 11:22 PM
Friday, January 24, 2003
Sorry I haven’t posted anything in a while. Between eviction, threatening calls from debt collectors, unemployment and torturing myself by running in Central Park during the coldest weather in NYC’s history, things have been…interesting. Also, I recently had one of the more unpleasant showbiz moments of my life, thanks to the idiots behind a new reality show called Last Man Standing. At the request of my friend Adam, here’s the sloppy, raw account of the audition, written just moments after I returned from it. Sorry for the rough quality – I wanted to keep it REAL. When you read this, you’ll probably think to yourself “Well, it sounds like du Bouchet chose a pretty stupid way to audition anyway.” True. Very true. I take full responsibility for not coming off well in the audition. However, I have never, ever felt as belittled at any other audition in my life. It’s hard to convey the snide, unprofessional attitude these fuckeroos had – just know that:
I am a lovely and talented human being.
These people are schmucks who enjoy feeling powerful by making others jump through hoops.
Try creating a REAL tv show, you dipshits.
That being said, here is the unedited first e-mail I spat out after this experience:
> Sorry I didn’t stick to talk to you DuBouchet. Hope
> it went well.
NOOOOOOOOO it did not. Oh no. Not at all no. Nope.
Egads no. NOT. Oof. Argh. Zippity zappity flarg. Not
good. Nope.
So those guys were from the Tonight Show, eh? I guess
I’m never going to appear on the Tonight Show then.
They HATED me, and what’s more, I think I was sorta
rude to them on my way out. No, I’m positive I was.
RECAP!
Anyway, when’s the last time any of you saw me do
ANYTHING as myself? In my own voice? Almost never,
right? I do character stuff and sketch stuff. This
audition was supposed to be 2-3 minutes of standup
only, (I was specifically told no characters) so I
tried my best to throw some jokes together that might
qualify as stand-uppy. My main, grievous tactical
error, however, was this: I started my set out by
PRETENDING TO THINK I WAS AUDITIONING FOR AMERICAN
IDOL. Hardy har har. Oh man. So I “nervously”
introduced myself and then told them what a dream it
was to be there and I was very excited (they seemed
genuinely flattered by this – FUCKHEADS) and then I
said – “I am going to sing ‘It’s Rainin’ Men’ by The
Weather Girls.”
Their faces went blank. One of them looked away with
disgust. One of them made a check mark on a piece of
paper and rolled his eyes.
And then I launched into ‘It’s Raining Men’.
Oh how I sang. I sang a full minute of the song. They
looked ANGRY. Then…
“Oh, Andres, you’re about the 50th comic to make that
joke.”
And that’s when I went into my material!
I told some cute funny little jokes that are normally
Francisco jokes, which I think would have gotten some
chuckles under normal circumstances, but not when one
of them (the fat one) was ACTIVELY LOOKING AWAY and
the other one was doodling on a piece of paper. Then,
after a couple of jokes, I paused. That’s when the
not-looking-away-as-much guy said
“Andres, the big problem is that you started your set
by butchering my favorite song.”
It was his favorite song!
He thought I butchered it!
(forget about the fact that it was supposed to be bad
and ridiculous – the song had failed because he
genuinely hated my rendition of it, and he thought the
American Idol intro was hack and old news)
The lardmound one turned to him and said “It’s your
favorite song?”
They began to chat as I stood there. Then,
absentmindedly
“Okay, nice to meet you Andres.”
That’s when I smiled, turned to leave and said
“Yeah, whatever.”
And as I left I heard them say “Yeah whatever? What
the…”
And I didn’t hear the rest.
Incidentally, when the cameraman approached me before
the audition and asked me what I expected, I said
“Well, I expect to do a couple minutes of material to
some stonefaced network execs and then I plan on going
home and making some soup.”
YES! YES! YES!
Andres du Bouchet
I REFUSE to be successful. You can’t make me! (cue
weeping)
posted by Andres at 1:52 PM
Monday, January 13, 2003
Check out what Time Out New York is recommending this week! Yup, that’s me on Tuesday and Thursday, mofos.
Yeah, I said mofos.
posted by Andres at 3:47 PM
GETTING STARTED
CONTENTS:
I. Installing On-line Shut-in on your hard drive.
II. Subscribing.
III. Creating your Shut-in.
IV. Navigating the On-line Shut-in “Introverse.”
I. INSTALLATION:
Installing your new copy of On-line Shut-in is as easy as not dancing. Simply place the CD-ROM in the appropriate drive and follow the prompts that appear on the screen. On-line Shut-in will take up a tiny amount of space on the furthest corner of your hard drive. You’ll hardly notice it.
II. SUBSCRIBING:
Stare at the On-line Shut-in icon that should now occupy the bottom right hand corner of your computer desktop (it looks like a tiny man hiding behind a sofa). If nothing happens, double-click on the icon. If nothing continues to happen, try again. Remember, a “double-click” means that the two clicks must be in fairly quick succession. Today’s computer ‘mice’ are built to withstand repeated, firm clicks, so don’t hold back. Once the subscription template appears on your screen, you simply need to fill out the appropriate billing information. Our unobtrusive automatic withdrawl option ensures that you won’t have to walk to the mailbox or speak to anyone on the phone.
III. CREATING YOUR CHARACTER:
Three columns will appear under the banner “Creating Your Shut-in”. Click on one icon in each column to choose your shut-in’s gender, pastiness, and eyeglass prescription. Once you’ve set these parameters, click DONE to proceed to the bathrobe selection screen.
There are over 8,000 styles of bathrobe to choose from, with variable size, length, color, fabric, stain types and stain patterns. Make sure you pick the bathrobe that’s right for your shut-in, because he or she will be wearing it for the duration of the game! Once you’ve picked a robe, it’s time to determine how your shut-in makes a living.
The occupation screen has over 4 different types of occupations to choose from:
Freelance web designer
Novelist
Neighborhood curiosity
Famous physicist
Undiscovered corpse (this occupation will severely limit your playing choices)
Once you’ve created your on-line shut-in, it’s time to start not exploring our vast, virtual world – the “Introverse.”
IV. NAVIGATING THE INTROVERSE:
The Introverse is a gigantic virtual world, filled with thousands of virtual characters, each with unique personalities and objectives, and all of them interacting with each other to create a constantly-changing virtual “eventscape.” However, your virtual shut-in will only be able to experience this world vicariously, as he or she will never leave their home. Your character can:
Cook.*
Clean.*
Peer through the curtains.*
Go on-line.*
Watch tv.*
Pace.*+
Play on-line games.*
Shout at passersby through the mail slot.&
Engage in on-line discussion forums relating to on-line games.*
Solve age-old mathematical and scientific conundrums and receive international praise.^
Send and receive both snail and e-mail.*
Decompose.**
*Option not available to undiscovered corpses.
**Option only available to undiscovered corpses.
+Option not available to famous physicists.
^Option only available to famous physicists.
&Option only available to neighborhood curiosities.
posted by Andres at 1:55 PM
You can now play The Sims on-line. It’s AWESOME! After a hard day of work I get to go home and do it all over again, except really tiny. My Sim spends most of his free time at his computer playing Sim The Sims on-line, where he gets to escape from his 9-5 job at an investment bank by pretending he works at an ad agency with flex hours and free soda. OH THE FANTASY!
posted by Andres at 10:16 AM
Friday, January 10, 2003
Good morning!
I may not have much time to update the blog today, so I thought I’d throw out an old tidbit (tidbit is too grand a term for it) and mention a couple of things:
Please check out the archives on this blog, which are now grouped by month (only the 10 most recent posts will appear on this home page). The material in the archives is a mix of stuff I’ve written specifically for this blog, rough drafts of pieces that got published elsewhere, and even scripts of sketches and monologues that I’ve performed on stage. Lots of goofy and sometimes offensive time-wasting fun awaits you!
Check out the links I’ve squished into the top portion of this page. Let me know which ones are worth keeping up there – I think it needs a bit of weeding. At some point I’ll probably remove all of the stuff that’s not comedy-related. Like this link right here. I doubt any of you have it bookmarked.
I’ll be doing the “hosting as Francisco Guglioni” thing with some persistence these next couple of months, so if you enjoy that kind of stuff come check him (me) out:
Tuesday, January 14th @ Carolines
Thursday, January 16th @ Boston Comedy Club
Monday, February 24th @ Luna Lounge
You want more details? Pick up an issue of Time Out New York once in a while, or do a little web investigating! Or just e-mail me at gianttuesday@aol.com and I’ll add you to my e-list.
And don’t forget to check out my new headshot.
Okay, here’s the old tidbit:
Dear Giant Tuesday Night Of Amazing Inventions And Also There Is A Game,
I recently purchased some Evil Milk, as advertised on your show. Please help me. My cereal is now evil. My coffee is now evil. My cookies, by association, are becoming evil. Plus, I have an evil milk mustache.
Sincerely,
Doris Fauser
New London, Connecticut
P.S. Oh my God no the pancakes.
(Trust me, if I knew of a word with less grandiose implications than “tidbit”, I would have used it.)
posted by Andres at 10:15 AM
Thursday, January 09, 2003
Apparently these soups are awesome.
I do find the frequency with which Wolfgang uses the words “secret” and “touch” to describe his soups a bit unsettling though. Especially with regards to:
They’ll Never Believe You Chowder
Don’t Leave Us Alone Noodle
Just Between Us Forever And Always And Barley
Oh That Feels So Good To Daddy Country Vegetable
Meatball Shame
Work The Shaft Wonton
Manhattan Clam Shh!
If I Close My Eyes And Hold My Breath God Will Still Love Me Minestrone
Cream Of Sally Cries Alot In Class
Chunky Why Can’t I See My Own Grandchildren Potato Abuse Dumpling
Bleah. This makes me feel icky. See folks, when I force myself to write on this blog every single day, there is bound to be a drop in quality. Like that cell phone thing. Not that great, but a few little laughs in it. Hey I ain’t the Barry Bonds of bloggin’. More like the Lance Berkman or Albert Pujols.
For soup names that are actually funny (with ready-to-print labels!) check out The FUN section on Jonny Fido’s site.
posted by Andres at 4:17 PM
So last night, on my way from cheeseburger to bed, I found a cell phone in the backseat of a cab. Just seconds after I got home, it started to ring:
ME
Hello?
HIM
Hello!
ME
Hey, I just found this cellphone in the back seat of a cab.
HIM
THAT’S MY PHONE!
And so forth. Long story short, I gave the guy (“Mike”) my work # and today we’re supposed to figure out when and where I’ll give the phone back to him. Pretty boring, eh? I suppose there are other more interesting ways I could have dealt with him. And…action!
Ring!
ME
Hello?
MIKE
Hi you’ve got my phone!
ME
Yeah, it’s pretty nice. What’s this button do?
I hang up.
RING!
ME
Yellow!
HIM
Hey we just got disconnected. You found my phone, right?
ME
I duh buh buh buh. DUH!
HIM
What?
ME
That’s how you feel right now I bet.
HIM
Ha, yeah well I’m just glad someone found my -
ME
Oops, hang on just a sec.
I hang up, turn the phone off and go to bed.
The Next Day…
I turn the phone on at around noon.
Ring!
ME
Popeyes.
HIM
Huh? Popeyes chicken?
ME
Sure, how many pieces sir?
He hangs up.
Ring!
ME
(breathless) Okay, okay, I’ve got the money. Just tell us where to go and please for the love of God don’t hurt her. Don’t hurt her!
HIM
Sir, I’m sorry but that’s my phone you’re -
ME
WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME!?! (weep & mutter) don’t hurt her ohgod don’t hurt don’t -
As I mutter I gesture to my friend who is standing at the other end of the room. He cups his hands over his mouth and shouts:
FRIEND
We’ve got a trace! Let’s move out!
I hang up. And turn the phone off again.
Several days later I turn it back on and place it on a toy store shelf that contains nothing but speaking, voice-activated action figures from the popular Miyazaki animated feature “Baseball Monkey Yes!” whose dialogue processors were unfortunately produced by Kini Anwa-Yo Services, the most notoriously inaccurate Japanese-to-English translation service in action figure dialogue processor history.
Ring!
I press the talk button and stand back.
HIM
Hello?
BASEBALL MONKEY ACTION FIGURE
I did the play the crowd is for monkey!
Which triggers all of the other voice-activated dolls. The following dialogue is basically all simultaneous.
BASEBALL MANAGER ACTION FIGURE
You have need obtain the manners the monkey!
HIM
Hello? I’m trying to get back my phone. What? I’m sorry what?
BASEBALL BASEBALL ACTION FIGURE
For hitting stopped it, the pain is unbearable! I am a baseball.
HIM
What? Hello? Hello?
BASEBALL BAT ACTION FIGURE
Hier komme ich, einen Heim Lauf für sicher zu machen, und Sieg!
HIM
I WANT MY GODDAMN PHONE BACK!
I pick up the phone.
ME
Listen pal, I don’t know what game you’re playing, but these mentally challenged kids have enough problems to deal with. (to the side) That’s okay, Tommy, calm down, we’ll get your blank blank before naptime. Ow, stop.
HIM
Oh, I’m sorry, I’m just – where did you find that phone?
ME
Where did I FIND this phone? Excuse me, but I BOUGHT this phone with funds earmarked for the special needs of these special kids. I think you’re mistaken.
HIM
Oh I…I must have misdialed. Sorry.
ME
Shame.
I hang up.
The phone rings.
ME
It’s about time, McNeil. What are the coordinates?
He hangs up. The phone rings again.
ME
You’ve reached the peepee man. I’m the guy who likes to talk about peepee! $7.95 per minute! Let’s get golden!
He hangs up. The phone rings again.
ME
Pizza Hut.
He hangs up. The phone rings again.
ME
Hello?
HIM
Oh um. Hello?
ME
Yes, hello?
HIM
Um. Sorry to bother you, but did you find this phone in the backseat of a cab?
ME
Yup.
HIM
It’s mine.
ME
Yeah, alright. Hold on I’ve got another call.
pause
ME
Good news, you just broke up with your girlfriend.
HIM
What?
ME
Haha!
HIM
Listen asshole, I –
ME
Hahahahahahahahahahaha.
HIM
Hey y-
ME
HAHAHA! Booby! Booby booby ha!
He hangs up.
I’d like to stop writing this now.
posted by Andres at 3:44 PM
Wednesday, January 08, 2003
Hey there! Yeah, it’s a beautiful day today, huh? Good day for fishing. Things must be pretty slow around here, it being the day before Christmas and all. Yeah. Probably won’t be anyone out on the lake except for me. Won’t be anyone around to see what I’m doing out there. But just so ya know, I’ll just be fishing. All alone. Just me fishing. So I’ll tell ya what, I’m going to need some bait. Um, some line. And um…how about just for the heck of it asmanyleadweightsasyou’vegot. And a sack. I’m dressing up as Santa Claus tonight, so I thought a sack would be fun. And the weights are to um…weigh down the um…they are to keep my heart from floating away, since it is so light and full of love for my wife! She’s back home at our place walking our dog. Yep. Back at our house completely alive, that’s the last time I’ve seen her today! Can’t wait to get back and kiss my alive wife this evening. This quiet, not very many people around Christmas Eve. I’ve got a feeling that this Christmas Eve will be very quiet indeed. Hahahahaha! YES! VERY QUIET INDEED! Was that out loud? Oh. I meant, you know, what with all the snow and all, it’ll be nice and quiet. Oh, well I hear it might snow. I love my wonderful pregnant healthyasfarasIknow wife. So how about you, are you married to a living, breathing wife that you love dearly as well? And do you have any kids whose births you anticipated with great joy? I simply can’t wait for my not dead as far as I can reasonably guess wife to give birth to our child. It will certainly be a wonderful day that will definitely happen, seeing as how alive and well my wife is. Okay then. I’m off to the lake! Um. Try not to look, I’m a shy fisher. Merry Christmas!
posted by Andres at 1:40 PM
So I’ve been training for this marathon. That is, I had been training, up until the first holiday party of the season grabbed a hold of me, pinned me to a wall and calmly reminded me that I am supposed to be fat and drunk, not lean and sober. It then handed me the first of many beers and an awl. Now, after several weeks of non-stop eating, drinking, smoking and belt-hole punching, with virtually no exercise whatsoever…it is time to train again. My belt is no doubt relieved, as are my pants.
“Azar, my pants!”
From a book about a very lazy man with a servant named Azar.
But I digress. Last night’s group run took place in Central Park. In the freezing cold. We did a mere two loops around the lower section of the park, totalling approximately 3.4 miles. It was more than enough to remind me of how out of shape I am. As I painfully lurched along as part of the Beginners group, the team trainers would glide by as if they were on roller skates. These sinewy, hollow-boned little perky people are amazing throwbacks of evolution. They’re equipped for a different era, and they know it, too. You can see it in their eyes:
“Oh man I wish we still needed to evade predators on a daily basis! Then this freakish body of mine would make so much more sense. Instead, I must resort to recreational long-distance running as a means of justifying this freakish, freakish, awfully freakishly freakish body of mine. C’mon! Just one lion! A couple of coyotes! A golden retriever! SOMETHING CHASE ME! SOMETHING HELP ME JUSTIFY THIS FREAKISH FREAKISH BODY!!!”
Or maybe that’s just my own bitterness seeping through. Tough to say.
posted by Andres at 10:18 AM
Tuesday, January 07, 2003
Apparently, a German family has been keeping their pet eel in a bathtub for the past 33 years:
That seems an especially eel-advised decision.
I don’t see what the big deal is. I’ve been keeping my pet snake in my pants for the past 31 years!
According to the mother, “It’s great for electrolysis.”
The Dad is really into Shakespeare. Every morning before he bathes he says “Tub eel or NOT tub eel? That is the question!”
It’s not that weird when you consider the fact that Germans spend most of their free time shitting on each other.
They must really love that eel. Now, that’s a Moray!
The eel hates it when the kids play “Caddyshack.”
When they want a jacuzzi effect they just sprinkle some cocaine in the tub.
Germans love beer!
I once met a German guy who was a real dick!
The Germans are still terribly ashamed of the Holoc…wait a sec. I think I’ve gotten off topic.
But when the topic’s gettin’ off, I’m never off topic! OH!
Okay, enough.
posted by Andres at 3:34 PM
Fortune recently announced their 100 Best Companies To Work For. Among the top ten were Adobe Systems, J. M. Smucker and Wegmans Food Markets. The #1 company to work for?
Puppy Playpen Choco-Yum Ticklezone! (Industries)
posted by Andres at 3:08 PM
On New Year’s Eve, the band Phish ended a two-year hiatus with a marathon concert at Madison Square Garden. Phish fans were delighted to hear of their favorite band’s return, but were also saddened to learn that they had been on hiatus for two years.
posted by Andres at 3:01 PM
Hey there ensign! How was your surface leave? Great! Yeah, me and the Mrs. just spent some quiet time together, it was nice. Yeah. Okay, so here’s the situation. There are these things attached to the main reactor core. They look like those little sponge cakes we sometimes get for dessert in the commissary, but they’re moving and squeaking. Anyway, they really seem to be sucking power out of the core, and we tried irradiating the whole chamber to kill them, but for some reason the radiation just made them bigger. Yeah, so now they’re the size of sofa cushions, and they’re still stuck there on the reactor, sucking away and squeaking. SO, we were wondering, if you’ve got the time, but really as soon as possible, we were wondering if you could put on this radiation-proof suit and helmet, and grab this for want of a better word spatula thing that engineering built. And um. Go in there and see if you can scrape a few of those guys off the core. Here’s a stun pistol just in case. But seeing as how they reacted to the radiation, I wouldn’t be too trigger happy with it! Okay pal? Yeah. Super.
posted by Andres at 2:49 PM
Monday, January 06, 2003
WARNING! FILTHY! OH SO VERY FILTHY! (goddamnyeah)
So, I went video game shopping for my fictional nephew the other day, and I was shocked and even appalled but mostly totally psyched by the slew of over-the-top violent & lewd games that are currently available for the Playstation2 and X-Box. If these games are any indication of the collective mindset of our children, then twenty years from now this planet will be a smoldering wasteland dotted with the occasional radiation-proof brothel and/or gladiator training facility. Egads. Here are just a few of the titles that caught my eye at the local Electronic’s Boutique:
Grand Theft Auto: Vice City
Steal cars, kill cops, and have sex with hookers, all against the backdrop of a Miami Vice inspired, sun-dappled city. With real 80′s music!
Hitler Golf
This is your basic golf game. Play on any one of 12 famous courses, as any of 12 famous golfers. Or Hitler! The graphics are amazingly detailed, right down to the wind rippling through the little monster’s mustache.
Yoda Fucks Stuff
The amazing imagineers over at Lucasarts have done it again! Combining the Star Wars universe with a Leisure Suit Larry M.O., they have created an addictive game in which you play Yoda. And you totally fuck all sorts of stuff!
John Madden’s ‘The Whore Deserved It’ 2K3
Upon first glance, this game is identical to the popular Madden football simulation. However, seconds into a contest between the 49ers and Vikings, I realized that in lieu of a football, the kicker had just belted a photorealistic depiction of a well-dressed, attractive woman down the field. As the 49er kick returner caught her and proceeded to get absolutely crushed by several of the Vikings, an mp3 of Madden’s voice chimed: “BOOM! That whore totally deserved it! First down Niners at the 22 yard line!”
Star Trek: Masseuse Cadet
Is your client a Ferengi? Rub those earlobes! Is it Captain Picard? Go for the scalp! Watch out for Riker’s wandering hands and his penchant for demanding “full release”.
Endangered Species Hunter: Cagematch!
In this first-person shooter, the objective is to slay as many different endangered species as possible within a certain time limit. I found this game a tad too easy, considering the animals were all locked in cages. Take THAT, Pyrenean Ibex!
Girls Gone Wild ‘n’ Postal!: Mardi Gras Expansion Pack
Based on the popular series of videos, and licensed out to the good people of ID software, this game involves shooting at hot college girls until they agree to expose themselves. “Watch out, though! Some of the saucy co-eds have guns of their own, and they’ve decided to be uppity bitches!” Just quoting the copy on the game box. Astounding. Today’s little girls are going to have one helluva time dating when they hit their teen years!
On-line Strip Embezzlement
Compete on-line against thousands of other players in this elaborate business simulation, where the goal is to climb the corporate ladder through lies, thievery, and stripping. The $159.95 game package comes with software, a webcam and thong.
Edusoft Presents: Representational Sex Ed. Through The Use of Bazookas and Mink-Upholstered Truck Tires
Billed as “sensible sex education for your pre-teen using imagery they can understand”, I’m not so sure the authors of this multimedia package had the right idea. As far as I can tell after watching this rapid-fire maelstrom of images, a young man and woman interested in trying sex for the first time should wear earplugs and shatter-proof visors.
Tom Clancy’s X-treme Objectivication and Desensitization Force II – Codename: “Titsplosion”
You play agent Pale Cyclops. In this espionage thriller, you must seek out and disarm a nuclear device that has been smuggled into the U.S. inside the left silicone breast of exotic supermodel Sexualica Bonertaster*, unbeknownst to her. Suffice it to say, you’ll need to disarm Sexualica before she’ll let you disarm the bomb! You are armed with nothing but a pistol, some piano-wire and your own nuclear bomb!
Martha Stewart Spread Eagle Pinball
I couldn’t bring myself to play this one.
Frodomy!
Any fan of the Lord Of The Rings books and films will either be overjoyed or repulsed by this one. Good taste prevents me from going into too much detail, but let’s just say that this game gives “the Cracks of Doom” a “hole” new meaning! AH YEAH! WOO! Dirty made-up video games in da howz!!
Belch.
*Yeah, I’ve used this name before. I promise never to use it again, or my name’s not Rod Pornocopter.**
** See *.
posted by Andres at 10:33 AM
Friday, January 03, 2003
“DRAGONS ARE REAL, AND I CAN PROVE IT, BUT I DON’T FEEL LIKE PROVING IT AND NO YOU CAN’T SEE MY DRAGON”
That might as well be what these Raelians are saying. Simply substitute the word “clone” with any wacky word*, and you’ve got a story just as ridiculous and worthless as the one that is currently, for some utterly mystifying reason, being given plenty of airtime, and therefore, a certain measure of credibility, by our idiotic media. Some people complain about the media’s political bias one way or the other. I have a friend who insists that all mainstream media is liberally biased. I know other people who believe the exact opposite, or who believe that the media is controlled by big business and skews reportage in favor of those interests, etc. My beef is much simpler. My main complaint about the media in general is that it is just plain STUPID.
Just look at the two people in the photo. Look at the dude’s outfit, and check out the amount of makeup that woman is wearing. They HAVE NOT succeeded in cloning a human. Case closed. You wanna bet? Heck, put me on cnn.com. Take a picture of me wearing a cellophane bikini (sorry for that image), and run it next to a story in which I claim to be able to communicate with fudgecicles using telepathy, but just can’t offer up any proof of it. It would be just as valid as this cloning story.
It’s a shame. The people responsible for telling the public about what is going on in the world have a wonderful opportunity to truly inform, analyze, educate, and even inspire. Instead, 99% of what we’re spoonfed is idiotic, lazy, sensationalistic, dumb, alarmist, panic-button oriented, bullshit. Sometimes, the media actually goes out of its way to instill a sense of dread and fear in us — how many stories about child abductions and murders were plastered across our headlines in 2002? Guess what? The actual number of those types of acts was no higher than it normally is. The media just chose to jump on those stories more often. It was the same with shark attacks for a while.
And remember that Chandra Levy story? She had disappeared and subsequently been found murdered every single year from 1985 through 2001, and yet the media decided to make a huge issue out of it in 2001, simply to freak us all out. Irresponsible, I say.
I think I’ve almost maybe somewhat alluded to the point I was trying to make!
*May I recommend the word “dogtopus”?**
** And, of course, “dogtopi”.
posted by Andres at 10:00 AM
Thursday, January 02, 2003
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Okay, I’m a day late, but this is the first opportunity I’ve had to pull my face out of the nearest celebratory holiday food-pile and do some typing. Anybody out there have any interesting resolutions for the new year? I generally tend to not bother with them, but this year I really resolve to:
Finally get back into shape and stay that way. The additional “I’m In A Wonderful Relationship” weight has outstayed its welcome. My girlfriend is great about it, and never makes it an issue, but if I were her I would certainly be repulsed by me. The consistency of my mid-section is positively gyoza-esque! HA! After three years together, she weighs the same as when we met, yet I am FORTY POUNDS HEAVIER. I feel like I’ve pulled a bit of a bait and switch on her:
“Wow, Andres, I’ve been having a wonderful time with you these past few weeks.”
“So have I.” (he begins to finger a plastic loop attached to the end of a small ripcord protruding from his left, firm, athletic-looking buttock)
“Are you seeing anybody else?”
“No, are you?” (his right index finger is now firmly in the loop, and his hand has closed around it)
“No, do you think – ”
“I’d love to see you exclusively.”
“Me too.”
“So, I guess that makes you my girlfriend, huh?”
“Yup!” (she pulls his muscular body close and tilts her head up to kiss him — meanwhile, his right hand yanks the ripcord!)
FOOM! With a loud hissing noise and the slight whiff of ozone, he quickly inflates to nearly twice his original size. She is stunned, but it is too late. She has already fallen for him. He farts.
And scene! Yeah, so I gotta lose the weight. There’s an original resolution, right?
My other main goal this year is to just keep on doing what I’ve been doing in terms of writing and performing comedy. I think I finally “found myself”, or whatever you want to call it, in 2002, and this year I just want to keep exploring whatever that is. Ideally, it will all somehow lead to me earning all of my income through comedy instead of temping. On that day, I pity the poor banker who says something snotty (and by “snotty”, I mean “anything”) to me. Remember, I am very large. Even once I’ve lost all the weight, I will still be more than strapping enough to pulverize most bankers. YAY! If ever a bridge has been burnt before:
“Hey pal, would you mind collating these reports?”
“I’ve got a better idea. How about I collate your face?”
“I don’t follow.”
“How about I file my boot in your ass?”
“Not sure what you’re getting at.”
“How about I fax a ‘Request To Kick Your Ass’ form to the ‘Ass Kicking Department’, wait for the proper approval signatures, and then, pending said approvals, how about I kick your ass is what!”
“Um…these reports just need to be — ”
“Here’s an idea! How about I call Travel, and make travel arrangements for my fist to travel first-class on a one way flight from ‘Wherever My Fist Is Right Now’ to ‘The Bridge Of Your Nose’! Asshole!”
“Is this one of your comedy routines?”
“WAIT, I GOT IT! OH YEAH, THIS IS WHAT IS UP – how about, now listen closely – how afuckingbout I go into your Lotus Notes calendar, and create an appointment called “Get MY Face Fucking Rearranged Hard By Andres’ Bludgeoning Fists” and then right click on it, go into ‘preferences’, choose ‘make this a repeating event’, and then choose ‘every goddamn minute’ as the interval. THEN I choose ‘alert with sound’, and BOOM as soon as I hear that little ping noise I fucking BOOM! WHAM! YaHOWZA mutha fucka! Whoop!”
“Um.”
And so forth.
I also promise to write in this thing every day from now on.
If you have any real resolutions, or barring that, any really funny ones, post them in the comments.