So apparently I am a finalist for “unique comedy performance” (I think that’s the category) for the 2004 Nightlife Awards. I think that’s the name of the show. Anyway, some googling has revealed that the show is indeed real:
Town Hall’s website
Strange. I had no idea I had even been nominated, and now I find out I’m a finalist just two weeks before the ceremony. Also, I’m not sure what exactly I’m being nominated for. The woman who called me mentioned the nomination was for Francisco Guglioni, but she didn’t know if it was for one specific performance, if it was for the Giant Tuesday show, or if I was just being recognized for my slightly above average ability to say surreal and silly things in a vaguely almost Italian or maybe Spanish accent.
UPDATE! Once again, I have googled my way to enlightenment. It turns out that by the time I had been notified of my nomination, the award had already been won by Demetri Martin:
the winners of the awards that up until yesterday I had no idea existed
No shame in losing to him. Funny guy who’s been kicking major comedy butt over the past year or so.
So do I still drag my sorry ass to this ceremony?
Forgive me if this is ground well-covered, but I haven’t seen an episode of NYPD Blue Street Hills in ages. My Mom’s watching it now. Now I have nothing against profanity, and those of you who are even the least bit familiar with my writing and performing would probably venture to say that I am actually an avid profaniteur (just made that word up fuckballs) myself. Which I am. However, on this particular episode of Street Blues: NYPD Hill, it seems that they are trying extra hard to cram the word asshole wherever they can into the script. Maybe this was the very first episode in which they were allowed to use the word asshole? I’m not sure. The point is, the dialogue, though certainly more “street” and “blue” and “NYPD”, is also very stilted sounding. Here is a sample snippet from what I’m hearing in the next room right now:
COP #1 – Look, Tayshaun. I know you’re mad about what happened to your sister, but can this asshole crap.
Tayshaun – (defiantly) I don’t know nothin’!
COP #2 – You wanna be an asshole? Fine. But if you don’t help us get the asshole who did this, you’re just another spineless asshole.
COP #1 – Asshole.
Tayshaun – It was too dark, I couldn’t see the asshole!
COP #2 – Was it this asshole? (pushes some photos towards Tayshaun)
COP #1 – How about this asshole? (points at a photo)
Tayshaun – Stop being such assholes! I told you I didn’t see nothin’!
COP #2 – (writes the word ‘asshole’ in really tiny letters on a piece of paper and holds it up across the room) Read this out loud.
Tayshaun – “Asshole.”
COP #1 – Your eyes aren’t so bad! C’mon, you must have gotten asshole some glimpse of this asshole!
Tayshaun – He had…he had a bunch of tattoos! Like a real asshole would.
COP #2 – Now we’re talking!
(lengthy awkward pause)
COP #2 (con.) – Um…asshole?
COP #1 – Can you describe the tattoos?
Tayshaun – He had the word ‘asshole’ tattooed across his back. And he had a tattoo on his actual asshole. Don’t ask me how I saw that one.
COP #2 – Nah, only an asshole would pursue that line of questioning.
COP #1 – And we’re not assholes.
(a light rhythm begins in the background…bumbumbum bumbumbum…)
COP #2 – Assholes, we’re not! Not-by-a-long-shot!
COP #1 – Assholes? Not us!
COP #s 1 & 2 – We’re cops! And we’re going to catch the asshole-
COP #2 – Who raped
COP #1 – Chatrelle!
(I don’t know why it turns into a musical you twatflappers)
I hate booking a comedy show. Don’t get me wrong, I love creating the show every week, but I simply hate booking it. So here’s the deal, comedians. If you’re NOT funny, please stop asking me for spots.
Conundrum! No comedian who is not funny actually knows they are not funny. Therefore, how do I know I am not not funny?
Maybe I’m one of those comedians who absolutely has no idea that he or she (good Lord another conundrum) is merely a talentless attention-seeker wasting everyone’s time with their crapfuck shitfest stupid words? So why do I even book myself?
Hmm. I’m self-aware enough to realize this post sucks. That’s a start, I suppose.
So, I’ve seen The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King three times now, and I can honestly say that I will probably see it at least three more times. Geez Louise I can’t get enough of these movies. I’m a 32 year-old man with the taste of a 14 year-old Dungeon Master. Seriously. Taste me. That’s Dorito dust on my skin, my friend, and these corduroys are rank with B.O. and Dr. Pepper. You better roll a 14 or higher to get down with me and my graph paper.
What I mean is, what the fuck? How can I tear-up at the sight of horsemen charging into battle? At the sight of giant eagles? I am wired with Nerd Emotions v. 3.0.
The Lord of the Rings movies now stand as my favorite films of all time. Hands down. In fact, it’s really just one giant film, and it is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen as a moviegoer/geek/fighter/magicuser. Just wanted to say that. Sigh.
I’d like to apologize in advance to all of my future audience-members for the rise in Tolkien/D&D-type humor that you may detect in my work.
UPDATE: I’ve now seen ROTK four times in a span of eight days. Somebody stop me!
UPDATE: FIVE TIMES as of 12/26/03. You know something? I need to do more slo-mo hugging.
UPDATE: SIX! aaaaaaaigh!
From: Andres du Bouchet (drunk/nude)
To: The bathroom mirror (streaked with toothpaste)
Re: Various proposed “Cunilingus Rap” lyrics in no particular order + some notes
When it comes to downtown lickin’
And nether-regions pleasin’
My tongue’s got more kickin’
than Buffy’s second season!
Some cats start with the alphabet
Thinking tracing letters with their tongues’ll make you wet
But I got a better curriculum planned for your pelvis
I done studied up on Tolkien and now BAM I know Elvish
So lie back and relax as my tongue starts to track
You be so surprised you giggle like I was Bernie Mac
And I done scolded that kid with the glasses in a funny way
Now be flippin’ over girl, and keep that ass splayed
I’ll make a bee-line for your honey and go “Weird Science” on yo ass
I put the oingo and the boingo in your groin girl
My only regret is that I got only one tongue
And a minute of air is the capacity of my lungs
‘Cause if I had my way I’d spend all day
spelunking, nose-dunking, white boy myth debunking
Until you’re thinking just one thing
This frisky motherfucker done made my cooch sing
Make it so tired it’ll need a sling
my dribbles of drool grace your crotch like bling bling
Just call your V pong and my T’ll give it some ping
That ain’t a thunderstorm it’s just me gurgling
You say the grass on the field needs to be mown
Before a lickmeister like me can go down on the zone
But hey you know what I say
I’ll just build a nest like an Osprey
And make it homebase as I dive off the cliff face
of your mound and into the fjord
Lord your crotch won’t ever be bored
I got more activities lined up than a sing
You’ll think you sent your pussy to Club Med
The way I see it your pussy is like twenty five singles
And my tongue is the
(note to self – I can see I’m having trouble with the Club Med metaphor – I’m going for the “tongue as entertainment director” thing. also, not sure”fjord” is being used properly)
Gimme a V gimme an A gimme and an I, N, A!
You think I forgot the G but that’s the spot where I’ll pray
Five times a day like a muslim’s got Mecca I’ve got your
(note – find a antonym for vagina that rhymes with Mecca? insulting to muslims to mention Mecca in a rap about oral sex?)