Tuesday, December 31, 2002
Cracked glasses and stained trousers
I am a bad temp
posted by Andres at 11:03 AM
Monday, December 30, 2002
Martin Scorsese Presents Daniel Day-Lewis In: The Daniel Day-Lewis Acting Showcase!
Starring: Daniel Day-Lewis & others
Directed by: Martin Scorsese
Written by: Negligible
The opening moments of this film do a perfect job of letting the audience know what they’re in for. Against a cloth backdrop depicting a map of New York City circa the mid 1800s, a nude Daniel Day-Lewis begins donning what can only be described as a ridiculous carnival outfit. As he dresses, he speaks directly into the camera:
“Hello. I’m Daniel Day-Lewis. With the help of Marty Scorsese, I’ve put together this three hour showcase to prove once and for all that I am the best actor. Period. So make sure you’ve covered the floor with pillows, because I’m going to knock you on your ass with my acting. In fact, I’m so confident of my acting skills that I’m going to wear this ridiculous outfit and this immense, cartoonish mustache. Also, as a further handicap, I have arranged it so that in most of my scenes, I am acting opposite unsightly slabs of raw meat. And in some cases, Leo Dicaprio. Now, WHERE ARE MY KNIVES?!?”
With that, the cloth backdrop falls, and we are thrust into the world of “Bill The Butcher”, Day-Lewis’ latest fully-fleshed out cinematic character creation. For three hours, Bill swaggers about the streets of Civil-War era New York City, and holds our attention even while other actors do their best to disengage us from the proceedings. According to a recent interview in Premiere magazine, both Dicaprio and Cameron Diaz found it an interesting challenge when they were directed by Scorsese to “actively attempt to perform in such a manner as to make the audience feel apathetic and confused about what they were watching.” But both of them prove MORE than up to this odd task. There are several moments in the film where I found myself picking my nose and humming the theme from Battlestar Galactica, or beginning to unzip my pants – but as soon as Day-Lewis reappeared on the screen, I was once again rapt.
Now that this incredible showcase has finally been released, I am eagerly anticipating the next actual film that Day-Lewis chooses to make!
Next time, I shall review Spike Jonze Presents Nicholas Cage and Nicholas Cage In: Charlie Kaufman’s Unapologetically Self-Indulgent Parade Of Ultimately Unsatisfying Cleverness!
By the way, LOTR: TTT totally rocks.
posted by Andres at 12:25 PM
Sunday, December 29, 2002
NEW WORKOUT REGIMEN!
In an effort to curtail spending in 2003, I have cancelled my gym membership. However, staying in shape is still one of my top 38 priorities. Therefore, I have designed a rigorous new “workout” regimen in order to ensure that my lack of gym access does not cause (further) atrophy, weight-gain and stoopage to my already zaftig form. And I use the word “zaftig” with full knowledge of its manboob implications.
I have attempted to craft this regimen around the concept of found fitness opportunities. We generally don’t recognize these opportunities as we go about our everyday lives, but they are there, just waiting to be seized. Through the use of objects, people and situations that I come into contact with during my normal daily routine, I will mold myself into a physical specimen worthy of ogling.
Morning – Sneak up behind my apartment building superintendent’s untethered Doberman. Poke its anus with my novelty ‘Marvin The Martian’ motorized lollipop holder (activated) while yelling “woof!”. Elude.
Evening – 50 push-ups and 50 sit-ups!
Morning – Walk to work. Kick everything along the way.
Evening – Dash into ultra-exclusive Reebok Sports Club without presenting I.D., hop onto the nearest exercise machine and do as many reps as possible before being forcibly removed from the premises. For an extra-tough workout, resist being forcibly removed. For an expert-level workout, say lots of crazy racist stuff while resisting.
Morning – First thing in the morning, stand in center of apartment with right eye closed. Box my left eye’s floaters for 30 minutes. Get dressed. Chase floaters to work.
Evening – 50 push-ups and 50 sit-ups!
Morning – Make a businessman cry.
Evening – Watch the The West Wing. Every time one of the characters says something just a little too pithy, lift my dresser. Don’t put it down until President Bartlett says something omniscient, or until I see Toby’s beard. Bonus – whenever Mary Louise Parker appears on the screen, pleasure self to the point of exhaustion. For an expert-level workout, pleasure self whenever Lily Tomlin appears.
Morning – Place coffee table on curb. Watch from window. When someone tries to take it, run outside and tackle them. Once the table is safely back in my apartment, walk to work kicking everything.
Evening – 50 push-ups, 50 sit-ups & karaoke!
Morning – Chase floaters to work.
Evening – Drink until violent. Wrestle nearest barstool. Drink until weeping. Undress. While nude & weeping, lift nearest cigarette machine or jukebox. Resist being forcibly removed. Stumble home kicking everything.
Granted, some of these found fitness opportunities are not so much found as created.
Oh, and speaking of exercise, don’t forget I’m running a marathon! Training is going well. By the time April 27th comes around, I should be in good enough condition to force my body to journey the 26.2 miles in under a calendar year. See the blog entry from December 9th for details. It’s a worthy cause, and any amount helps.
posted by Andres at 12:34 PM
Thursday, December 26, 2002
The party is in full swing. A grey-haired, bearded gentleman wearing a flannel shirt and corduroy blazer taps his champagne glass with a dessert fork as he stands up.
Can I please have your attention? Everybody settle down for a sec. Thank you. Miriam, put Ramone down! If he gets hurt who the heck am I going to call for help with my laptop? (laughter of recognition from the crowd) Laptops, computers, servers! Gee wiz, I remember when we started this company, we got by with a typewriter and a mechanical owl! No wait, that was Clash of the Titans. (much less laughter) Heh. Alright, I should cut to the chase. First of all, I just want to thank each and every one of you for another year of hard work, and congratulate everyone on what has been our most profitable year to date. By far! So here’s to us!
People are eating more fudge, and purchasing more fudge-related products than ever. In 2002, Farber’s Fudgeworks saw an unprecedented rise in sales, due to a bold new approach to developing and marketing new products, and also, due to the anxiety in America’s social climate. With a renewed sense of impending catastrophe that this country hasn’t experienced since the height of the Cold War, Americans are engaging in more impulsive, anxiety-related consumption of sweets and junk food than ever before, and Farber’s has been there to comfort them, and to reap the benefits of their apocalyptic mindset!
With each new report of “terrorist chatter”, Joanne Q. Fudgeater shoves her chubby little paw into a fresh box of Farber’s Fudgeroos!
With each new volley of threatening language between the U.S. and North Korea, Roy G. Fudgelover flings a fresh Farber’s Fudgerang and catches it in his bloated, chocolate-smeared mouth!
Every time CNN.com takes a few extra seconds to load, Fatty Fudgerton nervously nibbles another leg off of his Farber’s Fudgerpillar!
Bottom line, fear sells fudge!
And Farber’s has capitalized on this new found fear with clever marketing tactics, such as leaving unmarked satchels full of fudge in the middle of airport terminals, or writing threatening letters to congressmen smeared with just a bit of our fudge. The profits we have been making from additional sales far outweigh the losses we have incurred from lawsuits and fines.
Smattering of applause.
But more importantly, this has been a year of innovation at Farber’s. You all remember at last year’s holiday party, I vowed that Farber’s would not only embrace 2002, but that it would really “get it on” with 2002 in a sloppy, sweaty clench in a bathroom stall, hiking up 2002′s skirt, wheeling it around, shoving it against the wall and whispering calm yet menacing assurances in its ear as this company unzipped its trousers and bestowed upon 2002 the thick, searing pleasure that only a visionary confectioner with clear fiscal goals could deliver!
Some muted chuckles and uncomfortable coughs.
Well I am as drunk now as I was then, but Farber’s has indeed followed through on that unfortunately phrased metaphorical promise! In 2002, I gave free reign to the gang in R&D to do anything and everything with fudge, and boy what a bonzanza!
The Happy Accident Pill! Not only has this improbable, cringe-inducing idea caught on, but the popularity of fraternity & sorority “mud wrestling” parties at college campuses across the nation is still growing! And E’s latest “Wild On Fudge” special has really given the pill’s sales a huge boost! But I tell ya, the popularity of the Happy Accident pill is no happy accident, but more like the result of happy careful marketing, my friends, and for that we have Len Burgess to thank. Thank you Len!
Len’s idea to market the pill to truckers, hikers and other restroom-averse individuals really paid off. And the free samples in Martha Stewart Living really helped. Again, profits have greatly outweighed losses from lawsuits.
The Fudge Doppleganger! Another great idea! This holiday season, thousands of people spared themselves the agonizing experience of attending holiday gatherings, and sent a Fudge Doppleganger in their stead! I think I see a few here tonight!
Tammy Peterson from accounting’s head splits in half and falls to the floor as her date tries to kiss her cheek. He looks aghast for a moment, and then shakes his head smiling as he breaks off a chunk of her ear and nibbles it.
Let’s not forget about the Farber’s Fudge-a-pult, Farber’s Fudge Pomade, Farber’s Fudge-bots, Farber’s Fudge-Alert Home Security Systems, plus the Fudgerang and Fudgerpillar I mentioned up top. According to the latest Q-sell advertising recognition report, the name “Farber’s Fudgeworks” is now as recognizable to the average American as “Sea Monkeys”, “Charleston Chew” or “Oui Magazine”. Clearly, we have a ways to go before we reach the echelon of Hostess or Lil’ Debbies, but Farber’s is well on its way. So, here’s to Farber’s!
posted by Andres at 9:10 AM
Thursday, December 19, 2002
Be patient. At some point I’m going to write something really funny.
posted by Andres at 12:18 PM
Monday, December 16, 2002
Muchovision and The Boliviguay Board of Tourism proudly present:
GIANT TUESDAY NIGHT OF AMAZING INVENTIONS AND ALSO THERE IS A GAME!!!
Tuesday, January 14th @ 7pm
1626 Broadway between 49th & 50th
$12 + 2 drinks
Featuring Andres du Bouchet as your host, Francisco Guglioni!
With stand up comedy from Sean Conroy, Becky Donahue, and Eugene Mirman!
Plus, the invention-related high jinks of Chris Deluca, Jonny Fido and Michael Reisman,
the amazing vocal talents of Marcel Downer, and music from the Spicy Meat Brothers (Mike Birch, Eric Chercover and Randy Soare)!
Brought to you by the hit motion picture Bananimal!
posted by Andres at 3:45 PM
Monday, December 09, 2002
I am going to run a marathon for charity! Of course you have questions:
FAQ – (pass this on to anyone else you think might be interested in making a tax-deductible contribution to a great cause!)
Q: You, Andres du Bouchet, are not seriously going to run a marathon, are you?
A: Yes I am. On April 27th, 2003 in Sandy Hook, New Jersey.
Q: Okay. Why?
A: To raise money for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. And to whip myself into shape while focusing on something worthwhile.
Q: So how much do you need to raise, and how can I help?
A: I need to raise a total of $1900 to be allowed to participate in the marathon. You can help by writing a check (fully tax-deductible!) payable to The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, and mailing it to me: Andres du Bouchet, 308 East 78th St. #5, NYC 10021. I will submit all of the checks I collect to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. Any amount helps.
Q: How can we trust that you’ll give the money to them?
A: You’re making the checks OUT to them in the first place, right? Also, I’m not an asshole. Wait, let me rephrase that: I’m not a liar.
Q: Why can’t I just mail my contribution straight to them?
A: Then I wouldn’t get credit for raising the money. I need to fill out paperwork for each contribution I collect and then send it to them.
Q: Okay, fair enough. So, you’re going to run a marathon. But you are so overweight and clumsy!
A: That wasn’t really a question.
Q: Oh yeah. Well, you see my point though, right?
A: Yes, yes I do. I fully acknowledge that I am a flat-footed, knock-kneed, wide-hipped, clumsy, doughy, out-of-breath, out-of-shape man who is approximately 40 pounds overweight, and whose closest friends frequently mock him for his lack of agility.
Q: So there’s no way in Hell you’ll be able to finish a marathon, right?
A: Wrong. First of all, a marathon is not about agility, it’s about endurance. In April of 2001 I completed a 10 mile race without ever slowing down to a walking pace at all. If I bust my ass and train like crazy for the next five months, I’m betting I can do the same for 26.2 miles. I’ve already started training with other volunteers from the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society’s Team In Training Program, who will guide me through a workout regimen in the months leading up to the race. It may not be pretty, but I will finish the marathon. Whether it be by jogging, gallumphing, lurching, careening, stumbling, walking or crawling, I will finish it. This I swear!
Q: Yeah, whatever. My tax-deductible contribution still goes straight to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society no matter how embarrassingly this turns out for you, right?
A: Yes. Even if I take three steps, collapse clutching my ankle, and sit there weeping as all of the other runners use my back for a springboard, your tax-deductible contribution still gets put to good use. The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society is committed to finding cures for leukemia, lymphoma, Hodgkin’s disease and myeloma, and improving the quality of life of patients and their families. The Society invests $20 million annually in support of more than 280 researchers; provides financial assistance to patients; sponsors scientific conferences around the country; produces educational materials and videos; and runs more than 50 Family Support Groups nationwide. Because they receive no federal funding, they depend on donations for continued support of these needed programs. The support that you provide to the Society is invested wisely. And I’m telling you, I’m going to finish the marathon, and in a better time than you would guess.
Q: Hey, if you want to torture and embarrass yourself for the sake of a charity, that’s cool with me. Let me get my checkbook.
A: Again, that wasn’t a question, but thanks!
Q: Oh yeah, what if I want to learn more about this program and the charity it’s supporting?
A: Then check out this link:
I think the level of commitment and passion these people have for their cause is amazing. I’m excited to be a part of it for the next five months, and I hope you can throw a few bucks my way to help me reach my contribution goal of $1900. Remember, it’s 100% tax-deductible, and it all goes to them. I’m just the one collecting it. Every little bit helps. Thanks for reading, and if you have any questions at all, feel free to e-mail me at either email@example.com or firstname.lastname@example.org, with “marathon” as the subject so I know to answer it quickly. Thanks!
Andres du Bouchet
posted by Andres at 12:54 PM
Saturday, December 07, 2002
Here’s an oldy but a goody.
by Reisman & du Bouchet
An office. FINGERMAN behind a desk. DAN enters.
Hello Mr. Fingerman.
Ah, Dan, good to see you. Please have a seat.
DAN sits and hands a resume to FINGERMAN
Here’s a copy of my resume.
You know who you look like? Clark Kent. Anybody ever tell you that, you look like Clark Kent?
Actually, yes, I get that fairly often whenever I wear these glasses.
(trying to get a reaction)
Dan, I like to think of this company as a family. And if you were to join the Fingerman Family, you wouldn’t be so much an employee as you would be my son. Well, more like a nephew. Actually, I’ve only got one sister, and she’s a lesbian. So let’s say she and one of her friends, you know what I’m talking about, got together with a man that they know, perhaps the neighborhood pharmacist, or the Western Union man. And they took him to the clinic, and they gave him a jar, and some magazines—-
Dan, what was it like to be raised by two women?
Actually, I was raised by a man and a woman, my parents are still togeth–
As for me, I can’t have kids. How can I put this euphemistically? My doctor says my “pistol” doesn’t have a high enough…
No, sperm count.
So, did you like it when I said that?
When you said sperm count?
No, before, when I told you that you look like Clark Kent, did you like it when I said that? Were you happy that I said that to you?
Uh, sure…it was very flattering.
I really enjoyed telling you that you looked like Clark Kent.
Um. I was wondering if we could actually talk about the position of regional sales manager. As you can see from my resume, I have extensive experience in—
Take off your glasses for a second, take them off.
Superman! Okay, you can put them back on.
Clark, you just missed Superman! He was just here a second ago, but you missed him. (A “Did you like that?” face)
..and I really think that my qualifications would make me an excellent fit…
Mmm Hmm.. (looking at resume). Let me take a look at this.
FINGERMAN begins trumpeting the “Superman” movie theme with his voice. He stops before the last three notes.
Dan, in the Fingerman Family…
DAN trumpets the rest.
No, you’re too late. Dan, in the Fingerman Family, we pride ourselves on being very good at non-verbal communication. And this is how I’m feeling now.
He writes the word “SUPERMAN” on a piece of paper.
No, sad, I’m feeling sad.
But you just wrote “Superman”.
Clark, I really don’t think you’re Superman material.
What? Look, I don’t understand what’s going on here, we haven’t talked about my qualifications at all! You’ve just been playing these weird games, drawing pictures, making weird trumpet noises, and there’s no way you wrote that with that pen…
Dan, you’re right. I’m sorry. After the way I’ve been behaving, you might think that I’m a little bit (makes CRAZY NOISE)
Yes, frankly, I do.
Okay, so let’s talk about what you did here at this place called “Wall Street”, what did you do there?
You have heard of Wall Street, right?
I want to hear you talk about it.
Well, I was senior researcher for South American commodities…
DAN, frustrated, takes off his glasses.
Look, you want me to say I’m Superman— Okay, fine, I am Superman.
Could you say it like you mean it?
Will it help me get the job?
Yes it is I, Superman!
And you’re not going to get away with this. Brainiac?
Ooo! Yes! I like where this is going. Yes, Superman, while we were sitting here, my evil robots were rampaging across downtown Metropolis –
Enter STAN. He looks like DAN, which is to say, he also looks like Clark Kent.
Here are the numbers you wanted, Mr. Fingerman.
Oh, Dan Fleming, I’d like you to meet Stan Lemming, he’s our Market Strategist.
An eerie pause where STAN AND DAN look at each other, mirroring each others’ movements with their glasses. SUPERMAN THEME begins.
I think we’re all going to get along very well here.
SUPERMAN THEME IN STRONG, and they all “fly” away.
posted by Andres at 10:53 PM
Friday, December 06, 2002
Hey, if anyone from The Onion ever reads this, feel free to use this headline:
Al Qaeda announces partnership with AIDS, tornados.
Hey if anyone from Everybody Loves Raymond ever reads this, feel free to use this piece of dialogue:
“Raymond, I would appreciate it if you would show my novelty hat the respect it has become accustomed to.”
Hey if anyone from Saturday Night Live ever reads this, feel free to create a character around this catchphrase:
“Boom! No more babies!”
Hey if anyone from Scientific American ever reads this, feel free to write an article about:
Hey if anyone from The apartment directly above my girlfriend’s apartment ever reads this, feel free to:
Take your fucking clompity-clomp shoes off or put in wall-to-wall carpeting.
Hey if anyone here at my current temp assignment happens to see me typing this non-work related nonsense:
feel free to passive aggressively allow your banker’s phone lines to ring off the hook so that I have to answer them.
posted by Andres at 10:22 AM
Thursday, December 05, 2002
OF METEORS AND WHIRLPOOLS: a poem of sorts
by Pegbeard McGinty, Tiny Toilet Pirate
4 meteor showers, but only 3 whirlpools.
The sea is dark and there is much flotsam and jetsam.
Har! I scratched my beard and got a splinter! Me beard’s a peg! A splintery wooden peg! Har!
Why do I keep writing “Har?”
posted by Andres at 2:21 PM
Wednesday, December 04, 2002
Hey there folks. Okey-doke listen up. Tonight’s game against the Milton Township Fourleafs is big. We’ve already had to forfeit all of our day games, which means we can’t afford to lose any more, period. Plus, you all know how much I hate these guys. If we lose, well those little gold-hiding bastards are never going to let us hear the end of it, are they? Looky here. Shamrock Shenanigan has been riding me hard all week on account of his tire realignment center out-grossing mine this quarter, and the way I figure it there’s no better way to smack that little yippy skippy smile off his face than to BEAT THOSE LEPRECHAUNS TONIGHT! Okay?! Here’s what we need to focus on: patience. They’re starting Lucky O’ Jiggers tonight and you know that when he’s on the mound he tries to make you eat the junk, go fishin’, dangle the lumber, you know, swing at bad pitches. Not tonight. Tonight we don’t bite. That’s our motto. Tonight we do not bite. Just get up there nice and relaxed and think to yourselves, “okey-doke, I’m full, I filled up on squirrels or maybe I drained an itinerant or two in a back alley, I don’t need to bite unless it’s a nice, ripe, alabaster-skinned, raven-haired virgin with pure type Oh-yeah blood runnin’ through her veins.” Get it? Hey stop snickering, Hank. So my metaphors aren’t the greatest. I’m trying here! What I’m saying is wait for your pitch. If we’re going to beat those goofy-hat wearing clover-hoppers we’ve gotta be patient. Those happy little trickster fucks have been acting all superior to us ever since they realized how much easier it was for them to integrate into human society. Oh sure, they’re just short Irish folk wearing funny hats who just happen to be around rainbows all the time. You’d think people would catch on. “Oh gee, my neighbor, Mr. Shellalagh St. Patrick always seems to have a giant freakin’ rainbow just sprouting out of his chimney. Not weird at all. And he’s always paying for everything with gold pieces. And he never. Ever. Ever stops dancing!” But noooo, they get to incorporate themselves into the general populace while we’ve gotta take pains not to get hunted down by stake-happy Buffy wannabes. FUCK! Do ya hear what I’m saying? Let’s go out there tonight and sink our teeth into those bastards! Metaphorically. And if we lose, let’s do it literally. Probably taste like one of those green McDonald’s shakes. Okay, on the count of three. One. Two. Three. “WE SUCK!”
NOTE: Vampires and Leprechauns have been natural enemies for as long as either race can remember, and both groups take great pride in the fact that they are among the few creatures of human myth that actually exist.* Vampires account for approximately 2% of the general population (much higher in some areas – Minnesota has a 13% vampire population), and leprechauns less than .5%. However, leprechauns generally have an easier time incorporating themselves into human society, largely because of their ability to move about during daytime hours. This is a point of major resentment among the vampires, as is the leprechaun’s seemingly limitless access to gold coins. However, leprechauns have long envied vampires for their sex-appeal and bowling skills.
*Vampires, Leprechauns, Mermaids, Centaurs, Microdonkeybots, Tiny Toilet Pirates, Scorpion Boy
posted by Andres at 10:36 AM
Tuesday, December 03, 2002
At the office where I am currently working, there is a man named Sandy Colon. Etc.
posted by Andres at 2:09 PM
Ensign! Yeah. Um. First of all, thanks a lot for all your help around here. You’ve been…I mean, you ARE a great part of the Pegasus team. Yeah. Okay, anyway I was wondering if you could do us a favor. Uh, there’s something in airlock #21. It’s making an awful ruccus, and it really seems to be scratching up the containment shell something fierce. Engineering says the only way to flush it into space is to go in there and manually release the airlock. So. I mean, you aren’t on shift right now, so we were thinking you could um. You know. Take care of that or something. Whaddya say? Pal. Here’s a stun pistol. Thanks champ!
posted by Andres at 2:01 PM
(seriously) My father has lost the ability to control the volume of his voice. Every single thing he says comes out at the same booming volume, with the same sense of urgency. For example:
HE’S GOT THE LAUNCH CODES, STOP HIM! SHOOT HIM IF YOU MUST!
Would be said in the same exact manner as
WHAT’S FOR DESSERT? CHECK THE CUPBOARD FOR THE COOKIES GRANDMA MADE!
DO YOU WANT TO COME SHOPPING WITH ME FOR STEAK SAUCE? ANY STEAK SAUCE YOU WANT!
(fictional) My father has also lost any ability to censor himself. For instance, we went out to a nice seafood restaurant this past weekend, and when the waiter asked for his order, he said
DO YOU REALIZE THAT IN SOME SOCIETIES IT WOULD BE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE FOR ME TO CHEAT ON MY WIFE OPENLY, THEN BLAME HER FOR IT AND HAVE HER STONED IN PUBLIC? BUT NOOOOOO, I’VE GOT TO BE ALL SECRETIVE ABOUT MY EJACULATORY INDISCRETIONS! I WILL HAVE THE CLAMS!
Just throwing some stuff up out of my turkey-daze notes.
posted by Andres at 1:46 PM
I just bought some over-the-counter tryptophan. Actually, it’s called TRYPTOPHAN-D. Taking one pill every 4-6 hours will make you feel:
Like strangling your parents
It really is like Thanksgiving in a pill. Oh, and it will also clear your sinuses. That’s where the “D” comes in.
Where The “D” Comes In is a children’s book that I do NOT recommend. Good Lord no. Published by NAMBLA. Bad news. Blechhh.
posted by Andres at 1:35 PM
So who’s familiar with the TURDUCKEN? Apparently it’s all the rage nowadays. It’s a turkey stuffed with a duck that’s been stuffed with a chicken. Not to be confused with a TURDUMPKIN. Which is a pumpkin that’s been stuffed with turd. I guess that’s more of a Halloween prank item than it is a holiday meal main course. Hoo!