HAY MUCHAS COSAS INTERESANTES EN UNA PAELLA, aka “The Spanish Guy Sketch”
(this version performed on Dec 8th 2001 as well)
Juan sits at his desk. He has a very self-satisfied look about him. There is a phone on his desk.
The phone rings. Juan answers it.
JUAN
Hola? Lo siento, pero no hablo ingles. Si, bien. Adios!
Jim approaches. He is an intense guy. He is carrying a document.
JIM
Hi, how’s it going? (they shake hands) My name’s Jim. You’re new here, right?
JUAN
Si, me llamo Juan.
JIM
Oh, do you speak English?
JUAN
No hablo ingles. Solamente hablo espanol.
JIM
So you don’t understand what I’m saying?
JUAN
Es correcto, no entiendo nada de lo que me dices.
JIM
Well…I guess I’ll get someone else to help me with this then (referring to document he’s carrying).
JUAN
Si, eso sera mejor.
There is an awkward pause here. Jim feels something is not quite right, but he can’t put his finger on it. He shrugs it off and thinks about it no more.
JIM
Bye.
JUAN
Adios!
Jim leaves.
Terry comes over. She looks stressed and overworked. She has been suspicious of Juan for a couple of days now.
TERRY
Good morning, Juan. Nice weather we’re having today, huh?
JUAN
Si, hace buen tiempo, pero puede llover manana.
TERRY
You just made a comment about the weather, right?
JUAN
Si.
TERRY
Okay, look, I have a real big prob –
Cole enters. He is laid back and friendly.
COLE
Hey Terry, hey Juan!
TERRY
Cole.
JUAN
Hola Cole!
COLE
Did you guys see the Knicks game last night?
JUAN
Si, que partido! Entre el rebounding de Marcus Camby y el sharp-shooting de Latrell Sprewell, los ultimos minutos fueran los mejores del juegos. Si siguen asi yo creo que Jeff Van Gundy y Los Knickerbockers van a llegar a los playoffs.
COLE
You said it, man. What was the final score again?
JUAN
Ciento seis a ciento dos.
COLE
That’s right. Gotta run, bye guys.
JUAN
Adios!
Cole leaves.
TERRY
Okay, look, this is really upsetting me. You clearly understand English. The work is piling up, and we could really use your help on a number of different projects. You’ve been here for a week and you haven’t done a damn thing – why would they hire you in the first place if there was going to be such a language problem?
Juan happily shrugs.
Jim returns.
JIM
Hey Terry. You’re wasting your time. Juan doesn’t understand English. Isn’t that right, Juan?
JUAN
Si Jim, no.
TERRY
There, he’s doing it again! If he doesn’t understand English, then how can he keep answering our questions?
JIM
He’s answering in Spanish.
JUAN
Si, solamente hablo espanol, no entiendo nada de ingles.
JIM
See?
TERRY
I’m getting our supervisor.
Terry leaves.
JUAN
Adios!
Cole returns.
COLE
Hey guys. Juan, maybe you can help me out with this. What is that Spanish dish with all the seafood and stuff all mixed together with the yellow rice? I love that dish.
JUAN
Paella.
COLE
Yeah.
JIM
Oh, I love paella.
JUAN
Si, hay muchas cosas interesantes en una paella.
COLE
All that chicken…
JUAN
Si, pollo.
JIM
Rice
JUAN
Arroz.
COLE
Clams.
JUAN
Mmm…Almejas.
JIM
Shrimp.
JUAN
Oh, camarones, si.
COLE
Sausage.
JUAN
Chorizos.
JIM
Roasted peppers.
JUAN
Pimientos morrones – delicioso!
COLE
You said it. Man, just thinking about it is making me hungry. I’m gonna go grab some lunch.
JIM
Bye.
JUAN
Adios!
Cole leaves. Jim shifts uncertainly.
JIM
I also like sushi.
JUAN
Oh, si, si.
JIM
What’s the Spanish word for sushi?
JUAN
Sushi.
JIM
Outstanding.
Terry returns with Marc.
MARC
So what’s the problem here?
TERRY
Juan hasn’t done any work since he started here!
JIM
He doesn’t speak English.
TERRY
He doesn’t speak English? Juan, how many chromosomes are there in the human gene?
JUAN
Cuarenta y seis.
JIM
That’s Spanish for forty six, right?
JUAN
Si.
JIM
Outstanding.
TERRY
See?! We’ve been having conversations with him! Sure, he’s answering in Spanish, but he understands everything we say! He’s faking it! He is a big fat lying nasty fake! Fatty!
MARC
Hmm, I see. Juan, what do you have to say for yourself?
Juan stands up, and reads from a crumpled piece of paper he pulls from his back pocket, in a very proper, overpronounced American voice.
JUAN
Listen. This sort of thing happens to me a lot, so I had an English speaking friend prepare this speech for me to help alleviate tension. Terry, I too would be upset if my coworker were unable to assist me in any way whatsoever, with any work at all. Ever. How can I claim not to understand English when I answer your questions accurately, even if I am indeed answering in Spanish? Sure, I could use the excuse that I do know some basic English but am too embarrassed by my halting pronunciation to answer in English, but this doesn’t explain how I can answer questions about the weather and sports, or even more unlikely, a question such as “how many chromosomes are there in the human gene?” Surely this argues for a more in-depth knowledge of English, a knowledge that you must now suspect I possess. To this I say…trust your heart. Also, Terry, I am not fat, as you can plainly see.
JIM
Can I take a look at that?
JUAN
No.
Juan folds up the paper and puts it back in his pocket.
MARC
That was beautiful. I think we can all learn something from Juan.
TERRY
Bullshit! I call bullshit on you mister! Bullshit on all of you! Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit! I quit!
Terry storms out.
JUAN
Adios!
MARC
Okay. With Terry gone, it looks like we need a new project manager. Juan, I’m promoting you to Terry’s position.
JUAN
Un promocion! Muchas gracias, no te vas arrepentir, Marc, no te vas arrepentir!
MARC
I love this guy! I don’t understand a word he’s saying, but I love this guy!
JIM
You know, I’ve been here eleven years without a promotion and he’s been here a week…but I can’t help but be happy for him too! Congratulations, Juan!
JUAN
Muchas gracias! Adios!
They leave. Juan goes back to sitting there smugly.
The phone rings.
JUAN
Hello. Whoah, whoah, whoah, slow down amigo, I don’t speak Spanish!
Cheesy smile to audience with thumbs up, similar to the ending for the “Donkey Punch” sketch I wrote for Nora Dunn’s canceled sketch tv show.
posted by Andres at 12:20 PM
Monday, August 26, 2002
The Pants Sketch
(This version performed on 12.08.01 @ A Library Somewhere In Westchester. Seriously.)
Lights up on two men in mid-conversation, laughing uproariously. They are holding cocktails. They are standing upstage left. Their pants are down around their ankles, and they don’t seem to notice or care.
ROBERT
Oh I do enjoy a good joke.
DAN
Yes, jokes can be very funny. Is it drafty in here?
ROBERT
Yes, I have the air conditioner on full-blast.
DAN
It’s very drafty.
Pause.
ROBERT
You know, I’ve been feeling a bit self-conscious lately.
Dan shuffles to downstage right to refill his drink.
DAN
Really? Why’s that?
ROBERT
Well, it’s just that I find it very awkward to walk around like this. (pause) I mean, I’m used to wearing glasses, and these contact lenses make me feel completely off-balance.
DAN
You’ll get used to them.
ROBERT
I hope so! I’m going swing-dancing with Ashley this Wednesday night, and I don’t want to look like a fool out there!
There is a knock on the door. Robert begins shuffling to the door upstage right. Dan shuffles back to upstage left.
ROBERT
I’ll get it!
Robert opens the door. Andrew enters. His pants are also down around his ankles.
ANDREW
Hello all!
ROBERT
Andrew!
ANDREW
I parked my motorcycle in the driveway. I hope you don’t mind.
ROBERT
How on Earth can you ride a motorcycle dressed like that?
ANDREW
What do you mean?
ROBERT
You’re not wearing a helmet!
ANDREW
Oh, don’t be silly, I left my helmet outside with the motorcycle!
ROBERT
Andrew, allow me to introduce you to Dan.
Andrew and Dan shuffle towards each other.
ANDREW
Ah yes! It’s a pleasure.
DAN
Likewise.
They attempt to shake hands at center stage, and are both jolted by static electricity.
ANDREW
Ow!
DAN
Ooh, that smarted.
ROBERT
What’s wrong?
DAN
Just some static electricity.
Robert shuffles to center stage.
ROBERT
You see, that’s why I need to run the air conditioner constantly. All of this dry heat causes a terrible amount of static electricity.
ANDREW
How ironic. You must run up a huge electricity bill…just to keep from being electrocuted!
They all laugh uproariously. Robert starts to shuffle to downstage left.
ROBERT
Oh I do enjoy a good joke.
DAN
Yes, jokes can be very funny.
ROBERT
Who wants to play Twister?
ANDREW
You read my mind!
DAN
Wait, we can’t play Twister like this!
ROBERT
Why not?
DAN
We need music!
Dan shuffles over to the stereo upstage left and turns it on. Goofy lounge music begins to play. Meanwhile the other boys are setting up the game center stage. There is assorted enthusiastic Twister-talk as this is going on.
Andrew stands off to one side and spins the dial.
ANDREW
Right foot green!
They all put their right foot on green. Andrew spins again.
ANDREW
Right foot blue!
They all put their right foot on blue. Andrew spins again.
ANDREW
Left foot green!
This is impossible for them to do, since their legs can’t separate that far. They shift about uncertainly, and then laugh hysterically.
DAN
Delightful! Twister always ends with some crazy mess like this!
The doorbell rings. Andrew shuffles to the door.
ANDREW
I’ll get it.
Andrew opens the door. Jeff is standing there.
ANDREW
May I help you?
JEFF
I’m sorry to interrupt your…(looking at the situation) I’m sorry to interrupt you, but my car just broke down just about a mile down the road. I was wondering -
ANDREW
Please, come in, do make yourself comfortable.
JEFF
Thanks. I was wondering if I could use your phone to call -
ANDREW
I said, make yourself comfortable.
JEFF
I’m fine, thanks. I have a calling card, so -
The fops clear their throats. Jeff slowly figures out they want him to drop his trousers. The three pansies murmur their approval, clap politely, etc.
DAN
Well played!
JEFF
I just need to call AAA.
ROBERT
What kind of car do you have?
JEFF
Um…it’s a Nissan Sentra.
DAN
What kind of engine?
JEFF
It’s a V6.
ANDREW
What color is it?
JEFF
Grey.
ROBERT
The car or the engine?
JEFF
The car.
DAN
Ooh, even better!
(Pause)
JEFF
So can I please use your phone?
ROBERT
Oh, we don’t have a phone.
The others murmur their agreement.
JEFF
Okay. Well, it was really nice to meet you gentlemen. I’m going to leave now.
Jeff begins to pull up his pants. Assorted disappointed grumbles from the pansies. “But you just got here,” etc. Jeff drops his pants and they approve. He lifts them slowly, and they again are disappointed. Jeff plays with them, finally dropping his pants again by mistake. They Aw/Ah! Alternately, ending with a big HEY!! And they toast his pantslessness. (author’s note – this is the funniest part of the sketch, it just doesn’t read that funny)
DAN
Well played!
JEFF
I’m sorry, I have to go…
Aw! He pulls his pants back up.
ROBERT
Well at least shake our hands!
All three men shuffle towards her to shake his hand. Each shocks him.
JEFF
Ow.
ANDREW
Ouch.
JEFF
Ow.
DAN
Ouch.
Jeff exits.
ANDREW
That’s static electricity for you.
They laugh.
ROBERT
Oh I do enjoy a good joke.
DAN
Yes, jokes can be very funny.
Long pause.
ANDREW
I’m chilly.
BLACKOUT