My Penis

Here’s a little something from 1997 that has only seen stagetime three or four times, and has only gone really well…once? Yeah, I think just once:

There is a new Broadway Show called MY PENIS, and it’s been getting rave reviews. Here they are:

Hooray for MY PENIS!

You’ve got to see MY PENIS!

MY PENIS is a masterwork.

I thoroughly enjoyed MY PENIS!

MY PENIS is a must see!

Three cheers for MY PENIS!

MY PENIS stands tall…above this season’s Broadway shows.

You’ll gasp when you see MY PENIS!

Discover MY PENIS.

Treat your whole family to MY PENIS.

My kids enjoyed MY PENIS even more than I did!

With minimal tinkering, MY PENIS could be bigger than Chicago!

MY PENIS will leave you speechless!

You’ll eat up MY PENIS!

I just can’t shake MY PENIS.

Here’s a tip…see MY PENIS.

You can put money on MY PENIS.

Get MY PENIS under your belt.

MY PENIS really rises to the occasion.

MY PENIS touches you again and again.

MY PENIS doesn’t miss a beat.

You’ll love MY PENIS, warts and all!

MY PENIS deserves a big hand!

When you experience MY PENIS, you’ll wonder why you never came before.

MY PENIS is going to leave its mark…on Broadway.

Kevin Spacey breathes life into MY PENIS.

MY PENIS positively drips with good cheer.

See MY PENIS before the original cast is gone.

MY PENIS has some rough spots, but it really comes through on the whole. (CUMS through on the HOLE?!?!?! I AM A GENIUS!)

I haven’t seen anything quite so polished as MY PENIS.

Reba McIntyre brings her considerable talents to MY PENIS.

MY PENIS is long, but thoroughly satisfying.

MY PENIS is a lot to swallow.

MY PENIS really gives you something to chew on.

You’ll want to savor MY PENIS.

When MY PENIS reaches its climax, you’ll be blown away!

MY PENIS starts out strong, sags in the middle, but ends with a real bang!

When Tony comes around, you can bet MY PENIS will be there!

MY PENIS is a towering achievement.

MY PENIS is a stroke of genius.

MY PENIS will make a big impression on you.

MY PENIS has legs. It can look forward to a long run on Broadway!

Wild horses won’t be able to drag you away from MY PENIS.

MY PENIS will bring a lump to your throat.

MY PENIS will bring you to your feet.

MY PENIS will put a smile on your face.

MY PENIS will have you on the floor!

MY PENIS will leave you begging for more!

MY PENIS will keep you humming!

MY PENIS smells…like a surefire hit!

MY PENIS is in-your-face.

MY PENIS will have you wiping your eyes!

MY PENIS will fill you…with song!

MY PENIS is a real weiner! (WINNER? WEINER? Ah yeah. IS THAT LORNE MICHAELS ON THE PHONE?!?!? Woo!)

MY PENIS is side-splitting.

MY PENIS is hair-raising!

MY PENIS is eye-popping!

Oh my. Oh MY PENIS!

The Delacorte theatre will be home to MY PENIS for years to come!

I give MY PENIS two thumbs up.

MY PENIS pulsates with the rhythm of Savion Glover’s masterfully tapping feet.

MY PENIS is hard to pin down. Is it a comedy? A musical? Whatever it is, I want to see MY PENIS again!

MY PENIS delivers great big dollops of fun.

MY PENIS starts saccharine sweet, but its ending may leave some with a bad taste in their mouth.

You’ll want to bring an umbrella when you see MY PENIS.

MY PENIS will take you in and out of some dark, scary places.

MY PENIS grows in size and scope, and then suddenly shrinks again.

Annie Get Your Gun, because here comes MY PENIS.

Move over Lion King, MY PENIS is the new king of Broadway.

The Producers can’t hold a candle to MY PENIS. That would burn! But in a good way.

Look out Broadway, MY PENIS is coming. Oh my god, it’s coming so fucking hard!

Lick the balls. Good, now work the shaft. Work it, work it. Yeah!

The people in MY PENIS are very talented!

The people in MY PENIS are suffocating, because there is not enough oxygen in my urethra to sustain the respiratory systems of so many hardworking performers!

MY PENIS is in there somewhere. Keep wriggling! You’ll feel it.

MY PENIS is stuck inside this metrocard reader.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. MY PENIS!

MY PENIS has taken Broadway by storm. A penis storm!

When I first saw MY PENIS, I was overjoyed. Is this really MY PENIS? I’ve got to start masturbating right away!

If you penis one penis this penis penis, it’s got to be MY PENIS.

I penis, you penis, we all penis for MY PENIS.

Please put MY PENIS in your vagina! Please? No, seriously, please?

Hey don’t suck on MY PENIS so hard, I might cry out in pain, thus alerting your father to my presence. He frightens me. After all, he does collect guns!

MY PENIS once connected Russia with Alaska! That’s how people got here. And caribou!

MY PENIS dances to and fro hypnotically, waiting until the last second to snare the helpless tree frog, sinking its venomous fangs deep into the frail skull of the amphibian!

In times of famine, the elder tribesmen would call upon MY PENIS to bless them with rain and forgetful squirrels. Because the forgetful squirrels would leave the nuts where they were buried. MY PENIS would then make the nuts grow into large trees that were called “penis-rubbing trees”, because they looked like palm trees!

Alderan is a peaceful planet, please spare it from the awesome, destructive power of MY PENIS.

Knock knock. Who’s there? MY PENIS. MY PENIS who? MY-PENIS-WHO is one of the spicier entrees at my favorite Thai restaurant!

Knock knock. Who’s there? MY PENIS. MY PENIS who? Knock knock. Who’s there? MY PENIS. MY PENIS who? Knock knock. Who’s there? MY PENIS. MY PENIS who? Knock knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t fuck you in the ear with MY PENIS?

Knock knock. Who’s there? MY PENIS. MY PENIS who? MY PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS!

My bologna has a first name, it’s P-E-N-I-S. My bologna has a second name it’s P-L-E-A-S-E-S-U-C-K-M-Y-P-E-N-I-S. Whoah, wait a second kid. You’re bologna is named Penis Please Suck My Penis? Awesome, that’s gotta be good bologna!

When I saw that a show had come out called MY PENIS, I was skeptical. But then I saw MY PENIS, and I really liked MY PENIS. MY PENIS was very, very good. I enjoyed MY PENIS. I think the next time I see MY PENIS, I’ll bring my grandmother along. She’s never seen MY PENIS, though she claims to have seen it when I was a baby. MY PENIS is a very, very good show. MY PENIS.